“Interpersonal relationships are so complicated. »
If the whole email pleased me, this sentence particularly made me smile. It is true that there is not much simple in the fact of interacting with others! The message came from a reader named Céline Germain and it was about the challenges of communication…
“I realize that we have a lot of trouble listening. People like to talk about themselves, but to hear from you… It’s rather rare. Often we start talking and the person in front of us is already thinking about what he wants to say. She is not in listening mode. »
Then, at the end of her e-mail, Céline asked me how we could learn to “listen to others by looking them in the eye with sincere interest”.
Short of answers, I asked two experts who teach interpersonal skills to give us a crash course. And, right off the bat, let me say that they loved the request…
“The first thing I thought of was: this reader is very intelligent,” Francesca Capozzi told me. What an excellent question! »
The psychotherapist and professor in the psychology department at UQAM believes that we take listening for granted, but that we understand it very little…
PHOTO ÉMILIE TOURNEVACHE, PROVIDED BY FRANCESCA CAPOZZI
Francesca Capozzi, psychotherapist and professor in the psychology department at UQAM
Effective communication is communication in which we are able to express our needs clearly and authentically, and then hear the needs of the other. Listening is therefore an important part of effective communication, but it’s hard to listen!
Francesca Capozzi, psychotherapist and professor in the psychology department at UQAM
This is also why Pierre Khoury, lecturer in the Department of Psychology at the University of Montreal, invites us to listen consciously.
“The first step is to get into receptivity mode,” he says. On the psychological level, it requires awareness of our listening intention. »
Concretely ? You can talk to yourself before chatting with someone; tell yourself that it’s time to be a little behind… But even though we are all ears, how can we prove to our interlocutor that we are really listening?
Francesca Capozzi is very interested in non-verbal communication. His first piece of advice is therefore to look the other in the eye. However, in some cultures, it is too intimate a gesture or it may be that we are not comfortable meeting the gaze of others for a long time.
“In this case, we can look at the person’s mouth,” suggests the professor. Research shows that it helps us stay focused and isn’t considered invasive. And if you’re very embarrassed, you can always look down, but it’s important to add other types of messages, like nodding often or making sounds. »
(We’re talking about “mm-mm” here, not train sounds, let’s say.)
Still in line with active listening verbal messages, psychotherapist Francesca Capozzi believes in the importance of paraphrasing what we hear. “What I often suggest to my clients – especially when I was working with teenagers and their parents – is to rephrase in their own words what the other person has said. »
This process allows everyone to know that they are heard or, better still, understood.
Pierre Khoury recommends adopting open questions, that is, sentences that begin with “who”, “what”, “where”, “how”, etc. “The open question not only demonstrates sincere interest in the other’s story, but it also acts as an invitation to reveal more,” he explains.
Because you have to know that empathy is a very powerful tool…
PHOTO MARTIN CHAMBERLAND, THE PRESS
Pierre Khoury, lecturer in the Department of Psychology at the University of Montreal
Intimacy (or the feeling of closeness to another) is often associated with the self-disclosure variable in the scientific literature. There is a circular movement that means that the more a person feels seen and heard, the more they risk revealing themselves and creating a reciprocal effect in their partner…
Pierre Khoury, lecturer in the Department of Psychology at the University of Montreal
The better we listen, the more we bond.
At the same time, Céline Germain mentioned it well in her email, we sometimes tend to take up too much space… It’s hard not to talk about ourselves. And there’s nothing wrong with wanting to talk, we get along! Pierre Khoury simply recommends that we slow down our speaking.
Because basically, by interrupting others, we are missing out on something beautiful…
“We lose the precious opportunity to know the other person, sums up Francesca Capozzi. When we change perspective and understand that listening is about the other and not about us, a window suddenly opens into the other’s world. »
At this point, it could be that we want to embellish said world… Who is not guilty of having offered unsolicited advice? This is a mistake as common as it is fallacious, according to the professor and psychotherapist.
“It’s a reflex! You do it because you think you’re helping, but you’re still focused on yourself and what you want to say. You are not listening. »
It is therefore better to ask our interlocutor what he expects from us: an opinion, advice or our simple attention.
Besides, what strikes me with all this new knowledge is how much listening requires energy. Which brings us to another very common mistake…
“We often make the mistake of being distracted without saying so,” says Francesca Capozzi. We don’t necessarily always have the energy to listen, but we have to make that clear. And that can be done with a lot of love: “I had a very intense day and I only have half a brain. I can try to listen to you, but I can’t guarantee to be there 100%.” »
The truth is that we are all fallible when it comes time to listen.
I will end with the wise words of Pierre Khoury: “Tell yourself that empathic communication is a developing skill. Don’t worry if it’s not perfect, your simple attempt will show sincere interest. »
And isn’t that just what we’re looking for in the other, deep down? Genuine interest?