When positivity becomes toxic

Yes, positivity has its limits. And it can become downright toxic. Because sometimes we just want to cringe when we are served the famous “it’s going to be fine” or when we get the classic “it could be worse”. Experts tell us how to avoid falling into the trap of toxic positivity.

From healthy positivity to toxic positivity

When she shared her first post about toxic positivity on her Instagram account in 2019, American psychotherapist Whitney Goodman had no idea it would go viral. And even less that she would end up writing a book on the subject that would hit the mark to the point of being translated into twenty languages ​​around the world.

Published earlier this spring in Quebec by Éditions de l’Homme, the book Toxic positivity – Break free from the dictatorship of happiness to get (really) better was born as advice such as “keep a gratitude journal”, “write down 10 positive thoughts” or “stick Post-it notes of positive thoughts all over the house” exploded among his circle of therapists. “I always bristled at these kinds of practices,” said Whitney Goodman, joined by videoconference at her home in Florida. “I just had this ‘Oh my God, I hate this’ feeling. »

At the same time, distraught patients came to see her saying, “I shouldn’t worry about this, I just need to think positively, I have so much to be grateful for…” some of them even felt ashamed of experiencing feelings considered “negative”.

“There are times when being positive can be very beneficial; but there are also times when being positive – or too positive – can be harmful,” adds Alex-Anne Lamoureux, doctoral student in clinical psychology at the Université de Moncton. The one who is also an intern at the Center Mieux-Être Mind at Peace, in New Brunswick, began to take a close interest in this relatively new subject, but very fashionable since the pandemic, in her opinion.

“Sometimes we tend to want to confide, then we face reactions like: ‘it’s not that bad’, ‘it will pass’, ‘we have to look at the positive side of things’… The effect that it had on me, personally, wasn’t really helpful; my emotion still wanted to come out. It isolates more than anything else, ”says Alex-Anne Lamoureux.

Being positive… at the right time

But then, when does positivity stop being healthy and become toxic?

“You always have to assess the moment, your audience and your objective in the situation in question,” says Whitney Goodman. When someone is in a moment of distress, the best thing to do is to ask them, “What would be the most helpful thing I could do for you right now? Do you need to be motivated? Do you just want me to sit with you?” »

According to the psychotherapist, nine times out of ten, people just want “to be there, with them”. “Let us show them that we are not afraid of their pain and that we will be an anchor for them in this situation. »

If we take, on the other hand, the context of the pandemic or any other great moment of adversity – “when we know that we are immersed in an environment over which we do not have control for an indefinite or indefinite period” , explains Alex-Anne Lamoureux – adopting a positive attitude allows you to find a “light” to which to relate.

“We call it tragic optimism; it’s a term that was coined by Viktor Frankl, a survivor of a Nazi concentration camp,” notes the doctoral student.

But positivity becomes toxic when you “overgeneralize” this attitude to such an extent that it diminishes the importance of an experience that is difficult to live, she explains.

“A good example is that of a person who has just learned that he has a chronic disease. She is currently in shock, she is experiencing a lot of emotions, perhaps anger, great discouragement. So, when the person is still in this emotion, we must give them time to experience it so as not to minimize or repress all the feelings they may have in relation to this news, ”says Alex-Anne Lamoureux.

“All these phrases that you sometimes hear or perhaps also say yourself – ‘it’s not that bad’ or ‘it’ll be better tomorrow’ – they have a harmful effect on the person’s side. who receives them. »

Empathy, active listening and validating feelings then become key, in her view. And sometimes, says Alex-Anne Lamoureux, we just need to cry on someone’s shoulder. “Crying is a great way to express emotions; it’s really very liberating in itself. »

Adopt the right attitude

What can you do to avoid being exposed to toxic positivity and, above all, to avoid spreading it? Examples and tips.

In a professional context

“I have a boss who is too positive and I don’t like the way he tries to motivate me”, illustrates Whitney Goodman, psychotherapist and author of the book Toxic positivity – Break free from the dictatorship of happiness to get (really) better. “What can I do in this situation? »

Look for vent valves, other people who will allow you to express and experience your emotions in a space where you feel validated and understood, advises the psychotherapist. This will make it easier, she says, to tolerate this type of people in small doses.

But if you just can’t work in such an environment, adds M^me Goodman, it will then be necessary to evaluate the benefit-cost ratio in order to determine if the situation is viable in the long term… or if it would be better to seek a new workplace.

When we are parents

“You often hear parents say that all they want is for their child to be happy and healthy,” adds Whitney Goodman.

In his view, parents need to let children experience all sorts of situations in order for them to grow into well-adjusted adults – and not seek to gloss over potentially negative ones.

“Even with very young children, insists the psychotherapist. They must be allowed to experience feelings of disappointment, anger, and upheaval in a safe way, while validating their emotions. Even if it seems ridiculous to us that they worry about a cup, for example, it is better to tell them: “I understand, you wanted the blue cup, you got the red cup”, and be with them, rather than to look for the famous blue cup at all costs in order to avoid that they are upset. »

With all loved ones

“In general, it’s very difficult to witness human suffering,” says Alex-Anne Lamoureux, doctoral student in clinical psychology at the Université de Moncton. Even more when they are our children or people for whom we have a great emotional attachment. »

The reflex, in his opinion, will be to jump up to tell this loved one that “it’s going to be okay”. “You see this in parents who try to overprotect their children or who try to brush off unpleasant emotions or big challenges,” she says.

According to her, sometimes all it takes is a gesture, an eye contact or a simple compassionate presence. “Then quietly, after that, we can try to see what we can do, what the person needs. »