Posted at 12:00 p.m.
The bereavement of a child is one of the most difficult bereavements to experience. Indeed, the death of a child contravenes the usual cycle of life. Regardless of their age at the time of death, the dead child leaves an immeasurable void for the parent.
The circumstances of the death also color the way in which the mourning will be experienced. For example, some circumstances are not always fully recognized or do not attract as much sympathy as others.
Grieving parents of children who died following an overdose testify that they do not benefit from the same support as those whose child died of cancer. The same goes for all parents who, depending on the circumstances of the death (suicide, death related to an eating disorder, murder associated with crime, etc.), are victims of the derogatory remarks or reproving silence of others. .
My 30 years of practice as a psychologist with bereaved people have allowed me to observe that ignorance and the resulting judgment constitute a risk factor for complications during the bereavement of bereaved parents.
Substance-related disorders, addictive disorders, eating disorders, impulse control disorders, depressive and anxiety disorders, etc., are mental disorders. When the circumstances of a death are related to these disorders, I frequently hear the parent wondering what he could have done to prevent the death of his child. Like sadness and anger, guilt is part of the usual affective manifestations of grief.
Yet, even more often, I hear parents suffer from hurtful remarks or judgmental silence from loved ones. Shame, embarrassment and guilt then come to color the grieving process.
To die of an overdose, reckless driving, or life sickness is to die of a mental illness. When a person judges the dead child or his parent, he demonstrates that he does not know the particularities associated with these disorders and he displays his ignorance about mourning.
Self-help groups and support from professionals are therefore important resources for parents. However, in order to allow them to express themselves without suffering the stigma that often continues after the death of their child, here are some behaviors to avoid:
- staying away from the parent because you feel uncomfortable in their presence;
- failing to mention the name of the child;
- speak ill of the child or judge him;
- say that the parent could or should have acted differently;
- interpret and seek to analyze the behavior of the child;
- be curious about the child’s disorder and the circumstances of the death;
- say you understand it, unless you have lost a child yourself;
- give him advice and tell him what to do;
- changing the subject when talking about his child;
- make remarks implying that his child has not benefited from the required assistance;
- reassure him that things will be fine and that time will fix things;
- finding an explanation or justification for death (moral lesson, personal growth, family unity);
- and “because it doesn’t just happen to others”, find out!
When there is judgment, there is often ignorance!