How do you accompany a loved one who is moving into their final lair?
Around me, people are aging. Friends begin to help their parents find a home better suited to their needs. I guess they are helpless in front of this vast construction site which combines organization and what is not said.
I would be too… How to be there for a person who has to “break house” and find his place in an environment that has nothing to do with the one he has maintained for decades, even a lifetime? Who has the words for that?
If moving is sometimes a sign of renewal, the symbol associated with the one that takes us to a residence for seniors seems less optimistic to me.
Are we preparing our parents to die far from home, far from us?
This idea can generate guilt among caregivers, even if we know that this is not the case… That simply comes a time when everyone needs a home adapted to their situation. That it is not the role of a child to become the parent or the nurse of a person who needs special care. It’s for the best, this move.
The question now is: how to talk about it?
I put it to Charles Viau-Quesnel, whose research focuses in particular on gerontopsychology and close support.
PHOTO PROVIDED BY CHARLES VIAU-QUESNEL
Charles Viau-Quesnel’s research focuses on gerontopsychology and caregivers.
“As with any difficult subject, the sooner we talk about it, the better the result will be, believes the professor in the psychoeducation department of the University of Quebec at Trois-Rivières. The subject is taboo. It’s not necessarily the move that scares us, but everything that precedes it. We never had the necessary conversations to prepare for it…”
Charles Viau-Quesnel points out that we can also call on a family doctor or a geriatrician to begin this difficult reflection. And if you prefer to do it yourself, there are some useful tips…
“You can express yourself about your needs, talk to the I, say what you are ready to do or not as a caregiver, suggests the professor. We can also address the most frequent apprehensions related to moving, among the eldest: the fear of isolation, that the relationship will be let go or that a CHSLD will be a place of death. If we see it like that, I understand why we don’t want to move! We must hear these resistances to talk about the activities offered in the different living environments, which can lead us to visit places. »
And this is where we have the chance to nourish the feeling of power of the person who is about to leave his house. The expert suggests, for example, asking her what she would like to have near her next home. Trees ? Swimming pool ? Space to walk?
We are here in an ideal scenario where the financial means and the health of others allow such choices to be made. The reality is sometimes much sadder, but we can still promote the takeover of the loved one.
PHOTO DEJAN MARJANOVIC, GETTY IMAGES
Allowing the senior to have control over their decisions can make all the difference.
Kindness and listening
“Often, we are less flexible as we age, but we compensate with our experience,” explains Charles Viau-Quesnel. An 82-year-old may be too tired to organize his move, but it’s not his first! We can ask her if she has any tips for doing the right boxes or finding the right mover. It will involve and value it. »
The Au fil du temps digital platform, designed by the Ordre des Psychologues du Québec, details the process that leads seniors to leave their homes. The experts there advocate benevolent conversation and even suggest questions to ask to consider this move.
“Mom, do you like living alone? »
They also explain that, for the elderly, there are many bereavements. Among them, the fact of leaving a place that reassures them and having to get rid of things they love due to lack of space. Hence the importance of familiar objects.
If you move to a smaller place, there will always be room for a photo album, a comforting throw or a souvenir from your trip…
The fact is that there is no perfect scenario for breaking house. According to Charles Viau-Quesnel, the main resource we can dream of to ensure a healthy transition is time.
“In an ideal world, we want to have time to find the necessary resources and they vary according to the person in front of us. »
The difficulty is that in Quebec, the tools offered to caregivers differ by region. The researcher therefore recommends contacting the Info-carers service to find out which ones are available to our family.
For example, Charles Viau-Quesnel believes that family mediation can be an interesting avenue, as this type of move sometimes rekindles old wounds. After all, it’s about finances, values and involvement…topics that can divide siblings.
Here, the luxury of time allows everyone to express their needs and manage possible interpersonal conflicts.
On the other hand, the adaptation does not end once the cardboard boxes are empty. On the contrary, Charles Viau-Quesnel noted that the distress of caregivers who lived with an elderly person can increase in the weeks following their move. This pain is explained, among other things, by an increase in guilt (especially if this person is angry with us) and isolation.
We now come home every day to an empty house.
Charles Viau-Quesnel retains a valuable notion: “You shouldn’t tell yourself that it’s a sprint and that moving is the end of the race. There is a lot of work to be done to set limits in relation to the loved one and find new benchmarks. »
Perhaps a little lighter work when you have the opportunity to have spoken about it openly…