how to talk about it with the youngest?

Every year, 160,000 children are victims of sexual violence in France, as recalled by a campaign launched at the end of September by the government. Although discussing this subject can remain taboo with children, it is important not to avoid this exchange to give the little ones the keys to protecting themselves and detecting a dangerous situation. To do this, it is necessary to establish a calm and guilt-free discussion for the child, explains Doctor Tania Ikowsky, pediatrician, who heads the Children in Danger Pediatric Reception Unit (UAPED) at the Robert Debré Hospital (AP-HP).

franceinfo: at what age can we open this dialogue and talk about sexual violence with a child?

Tania Ikowsky: At any age, you must break this taboo and be able to talk about it with him, like all topics concerning his health or his body. So truly, from the age at which a child acquires the autonomy and sufficient speech to dialogue with his parents, it is important to talk about his own body in his right to privacy, and the fact that at no time does anyone No one has the right to make him uncomfortable or make gestures that make him feel uncomfortable or weird, or that would hurt him.

What words to use with children?

Depending on the ages of the children, we adapt to their cognitive development and the words they use themselves. So, as an adult, we will be especially careful not to induce interpretations in the child or suggest ideas that they would not have named themselves in their own words. It is always necessary to start from the child’s knowledge, from his emotions too, and to use the words he uses to be as accurate as possible in his understanding.

When a child is very young, we can ask him if he needs to confide. We can ask him if he has thoughts that bother him, or experienced things that make him uncomfortable, that make him feel strange, not good. These are concepts that a small child can understand. And when we take up his words, we always start by asking him what he means by that word and then, we develop with him what this word induces, particularly in him.

With adolescents, the dialogue will be a little different, you will have to know how to read between the lines. A teenager will rarely talk directly about sexuality to an adult, whether at home or at school. On the other hand, he will perhaps talk about a problem that affects a friend or a friend. He will perhaps ask surprising questions: “But when an attacker is questioned by the police, what will happen? Will he go to prison? Will these children see him again? Perhaps the adolescent asks indirect questions to get answers that will reassure him or guide him differently.

“Words are important, but our attitude, especially since it will be calm, caring and neutral, will help the child have a discussion without drama.”

Dr. Tania Ikowsky

at franceinfo

What is also very important in accompanying words is our attitude. The trap that the adult must not fall into is to dramatize and induce a lot of emotion in this dialogue, because the child will not retain a calm conversation about his own life. On the contrary, he will remember that this subject angers, annoys, frightens or upsets the adult in front of him. And so he can then decide to keep silent.

How to teach children to protect themselves?

Once we have been able to talk with the child about his own body, his privacy, we must be able to tell him that he has the right to say no, and we warn him. We put him in real-life situations where he might face danger, and we ask him: ‘What would you do if an adult came to ask you to follow them to the park? What would you do if a neighbor in your building came to pick you up and ask you to get naked in front of her? How would you react if an unknown adult asked you via text message to send them naked photos of yourself online?’ And we see what his reaction is, what his resources are.

You have to be wary of bad secrets.

Dr. Tania Ikowsky

at franceinfo

A tip that we can use with children is to teach them to distinguish a good secret from a bad secret. An adult who asks him to keep a good secret is necessarily a secret that is intended to please someone. It’s a short secret that you don’t keep all your life and which should please you, ultimately. A bad secret is a secret that we are asked to keep, but which we know, through a little voice inside ourselves, that it is not good. No one has the right to impose this bad secret on us if it is something that affects our body and our genitals for example.

As a parent, one piece of advice is to really be vigilant about the people who take care of your child in your absence. If you have childcare arrangements that you are not sure about, do not hesitate to ask the child afterwards how it went? What did he like during this time when you were away? What did he like? Take an interest in the child and give him one or more opportunities to say: “there, it’s not okay, I don’t feel well, there’s something that’s bothering me”.

What signs should alert you?

Clinical warning signs in young children can be completely abnormal sexualized behavior. For example, a child who will touch his genitals a lot and so frequently that it interferes with his other activities, or he has behavior or speech that shows either an inappropriate distance from the adult or a desire to go and watch. pornographic images, a desire to mime scenes of sexual intercourse with the adult or an older child, or even to try to undress, perhaps with force or violence, another child.

In daily life, there are also signals that should alert you. He may suddenly show signs of agitation, anxiety which set in and last, for example sleep disorders, nightmares and regressions where he may wet the bed again, behave like a child with bedtime rituals that become longer and longer or signs of discomfort with eating disorders.

In adolescents or older children, the warning signs should above all be a child who suddenly changes his behavior, with for example dropping out of school, sleep problems that set in, increasingly eating disorders. serious, signs of depression: all the signs which show a sudden change which we do not know how to attribute.

How should we react if we observe such behavior, or if a child confides?

Above all, we must never stay alone because we must be wary of our own emotions and our tendency to dramatize or minimize, as opposed to our anxiety and our immobility, for fear of doing wrong.

You need to seek support and speak quickly to a healthcare professional or a social worker who is familiar with this type of subject. Either this person will help to complete the dialogue with this child, or, and the time has come to take action, to protect him because there is an imminent danger of recurrence or because the danger is still present .

In these cases, there are three reflexes. Either dial 119, which is an anonymous toll-free number that allows you to immediately report a child in danger, or call the police by dialing 17. In many police stations, there are brigades specialized in this type of subject. Or, finally, alert a child protection worker. This could be a PMI doctor, a doctor or nurse at the hospital, psychologists or social workers in an institutional care setting. It is absolutely necessary to inform, transmit and speak with the child. These are the things that will protect him.