Lawrence is different. He is not “completely” hetero, even less gay, nor really bi. He has more of an attraction for grey. Narrative.
The young man, early twenties, gave us an appointment in a café in the north of the city to talk about himself, to get out of his “zone”, as he says, even if it stresses him out. And it seems.
It’s that he didn’t have an easy life, let’s say, and that too, it seems. “Around 11 or 12, my self-esteem was at its lowest,” he begins. I was rejected a lot in elementary school and I had social difficulties when I was younger. »
We guess he had a hard time. To give you an idea of the portrait: “I was bigger than today and I had brooches”, he illustrates. All his attempts to make a girlfriend prove futile. “I got rejected a few times and it convinced me that I would never have a chance with the girls in my life. […] So I had to be gay. “We had to? “In my head, it just never works. If this continues, I will be single without children at 80, he reasons. In my mind as a developing youngster…”
He tries himself, quite awkwardly, we understand (read: without consent), on two boy friends. Always around 10-11 years old. And of course, it’s going pretty badly. One of them spits squarely in his face after his attempt to get closer. “I will not do it again, he specifies, I learned, I know that it does not make sense. […] But I want to be happy. And I’m ready for anything! »
In high school, Laurent hides these past “events” as best he can.
But suddenly I’m being bullied because I’m not completely straight?
Lawrence
Luckily, he got it all wrong. It must be said that his social skills are refined. He ended up making a first girlfriend (in secondary five, his “first serious relationship”, with whom he had his first “experiences”), in whom he confided. “She herself was bisexual and she had had lesbian relations with her best friend…” In short, her orientation(s) does not make her a crease.
Laurent goes on with a second young girl, a story that this time stretches over nine months. It is with her that he has a first sexual relationship. “It went well, he confides, we made sure that the other liked what we were doing. Do you like it, do you want to continue, etc. “We see that he has come a long way, also in terms of consent.
With her too, Laurent confides: “It may be that I’m not completely straight,” he told her. And again, the confidence is without consequence.
Around 18, third girlfriend. This time, it only lasts a month. Laurent again suffers from a lack of self-esteem. “She’s too good for me, too pure, I’m self-sabotaging. »
We spare you the details, but the young man lives here a “dark” period. He broods, starts to smoke and falls even more hollow. He ended up consulting and has since been doing rather better, medication and therapy included. Except that he also realizes that he’s not exactly ready to enter into a relationship. “I need to work on my person, he summarizes. I’m afraid of falling back into this negative phase and being a toxic partner. And I don’t want that. So he signs up for different apps, looking for something “casual”, light-hearted, because he’s not ready to commit.
He is more in exploration mode.
At the same time, and during his therapy, Laurent continued to question his orientation. He even opens up to his parents by announcing that he is bi. “Maybe bi,” he says.
But I’m not into gay porn. […] I am attracted to female people in general. In English, there is a term: finsexual.
Lawrence
finsexual ” for feminine in nature. Without it necessarily being a woman,” he explains.
Having trouble keeping up? Normal. Imagine Lawrence.
It is that yes, he confides here, he consumes porn at the time, not gay, but trans. “There is a part of you that says: it is impossible, he analyzes, in all transparency. How can it be a woman? At the same time, she has a way of moaning that basically makes her a woman. Even if she has a penis…” And yes, it turns her on. We let him continue. Explanations (rationalizations) will follow.
Laurent is there in his reflection when the pandemic arrives. “At first it was fine,” he recalls. It was a quieter time. I had more time at home. I found a source of comfort there. And then it started to get long…”
Can you guess what’s next? It was also at this time that he ended up meeting, through an app, therefore, a first trans woman. And then ? He nods. “Yeah,” he said smiling, he liked it. “I am aware that I am different from other men, he specifies. I like this. A man with a beard, I’m not interested. But a trans woman? Yes. »
He also put it back with a second. “There is something that attracts me, I guess. In theory, there is an organ to penetrate, except that it is I who penetrate, he reflects. It helps me feel stronger, more beautiful, masculine, dominant. In short, it does not harm his self-esteem, we understand.
Still, he tried to talk about it, especially to his parents, but they seem to have trouble understanding. “Young boomers don’t understand those terms. They see black or white, nothing grey. Young people my age are more understanding. »
Since these two adventures, and some happy and less happy virtual exchanges, Laurent has taken a little “break” from apps. He has a fragile psychology and wants to work on his person, as we have said. Nevertheless, he insisted on testifying: “We must be open to the fact that our life and our identity evolve over time, he says. I think sexuality is more fluid than we usually hear it. And it’s more common not to be hetero among those 35 and under. Maybe it’s more complex than bi or hetero…” Anyway, he adds to conclude, “what matters is not your orientation. But let it be consenting and as healthy as possible…”
* Fictitious first name, to protect his anonymity