Become a parent | Precious grandparents

For the past year, Johanne La Belle has lived an eight-minute walk from the house of her daughter Sara and her grandson Enzo, one and a half years old. She sees them a few times each week. “I think it’s a privilege that I have. I’m grateful for that,” says the grandmother.

His situation is far from unique. In Quebec, many grandparents are involved in the lives of their grandchildren, whether or not they live near them. An upward trend, according to experts. The importance of their support has also been highlighted during the pandemic. How many families juggling telecommuting and school and daycare closures called grandma and grandpa for help? How many parents would have liked to be able to do this at the height of confinement?

Sociology professor at the Cégep de Victoriaville, Andrée-Anne Boucher notes that certain demographic factors have contributed to this growing involvement of grandparents. “They live longer, healthier. […] They continue to keep in shape and can therefore be very present, ”says the author of a master’s thesis on the subject.

On average, grandparents now have four grandchildren. Nothing to do with the large families of the beginning of the XX^and century. This rather low figure “makes it really easier to develop an individual relationship” with each of them, argues Andrée-Anne Boucher.

Expectations of grandparents have also changed. New parents generally want to receive their help, explains the professor.

New parents, new needs

“Grandparents have a fundamental role to play, believes psychoeducator Mélanie Bilodeau. […] They say it takes a village to raise a child. It also takes a village to take care of the parents who take care of the child. It is the role of the grandparents to be part of the proximal village of the family and then to meet the needs of that family. »

Your daughter has just given birth to your granddaughter and you are offering to take care of the baby? The offer is generous, but it may not be what she wants.

She suggests that grandparents ask their child directly: how can we help you?

“Sometimes going to our children’s house to carry a dish already prepared, to do a load of laundry or to do housework, it will be as important as taking the baby,” believes psychologist Suzanne Vallières.

Invaluable support

Even though they live in Orford, Monique Fortin and her spouse don’t hesitate to take Highway 10 towards the South Shore of Montreal to lend a hand to their two children. Last week, they went back and forth to distribute small dishes. “Support like that is really precious,” confirms their daughter Marie-Hélène Boucher, mother of Clara, 2, and Julia, 5 months.

For the grandmother, it is natural to be there for her family. “It’s never binding to come and help each other,” says the retired nurse.

When passing from The Press, the grandmother was going to return to Orford with Clara, after her nap. The little girl was very excited at the idea of ​​going to spend the night with her grandparents, assures Marie-Hélène Boucher. For her part, she was going to be able to spend a quieter evening with her baby and her spouse.

The challenge of distance

Marcela Vera also received a lot of support from her parents after the birth of her second child, Elena, who is now 14 months old. The Colombian couple spent two months in Quebec. “With them here, it was perfect,” recalls Marcela Vera.

Since the end of her maternity leave, the mother of Elena and 4-year-old Nicolas has struggled to find a balance in her life. She would like her parents to be there to be able to watch her children from time to time, a bit like what she experienced when she was young.

“I grew up with my grandparents. For me, it’s part of who I am. A lot of things come from them, because I spent a lot of time with them”, confides the one who would sometimes like to return to live in Colombia.

The importance of communication

Aware that not all mothers have the same chance as her, Sara La Belle affirms that it is a “privilege to have [s]a mother so close”. Words that echo those of Grandma Johanne, yet interviewed separately.

Although they appreciate the closeness, the two women found it important to establish certain limits to preserve their intimacy.

This approach corresponds to the recommendations for avoiding conflicts formulated by the specialists consulted by The Press. “Communication is the basis. Where is my limit? […] It is important to name how we intend to live our parenthood. What would we like and what would we like less? I already think that we are setting the table for the relationship to be adequate,” says Suzanne Vallières, co-author of Psy-guide for grandparents – Loving, supporting, comforting.

Perceptions of parenthood have evolved in recent decades, recalls Mélanie Bilodeau. Result ? “There is a clash of generations currently which is very great. New moms don’t necessarily want to raise their kids the way their mothers did. According to the psychoeducator, it is important for parents to talk about their vision of parenthood and for grandparents, to listen to them, to support them, without judging them.

All the families interviewed for this file agree on one thing: their life would not be the same without the help of grandparents.

“Sometimes I don’t feel like you and Dad realize how much this brings us. I find that you minimize it a lot, “said Marie-Hélène Boucher to her mother, Monique Fortin, at the end of the interview. To which she replied: “I think that, conversely, you too do not realize all that it brings us to have access to grandchildren. »