She has traveled the planet and covered the worst conflicts. All these years, journalist Anna Maria Tremonti has kept a crushing secret to herself: for a year, she was beaten up by an abusive husband.
Posted at 11:00 a.m.
“What happened in that short time changed my life. For a very long time, it controlled how I felt, how I saw myself…”
In Welcome to Paradisea podcast in six 30-minute episodes launched this Tuesday on the CBC website, Anna Maria Tremonti, one of English Canada’s most respected journalists (The Current, The Fifth Estate), delivers a shocking testimony, chilling at times: at 23, and for a year, she was the victim of domestic violence. Think kicks, chokeholds, death threats. And bruises to camouflage, here or there, daily.
The series, which recounts his career in parallel (you have to hear him read, impassive, the statistics on domestic violence in a CBC news bulletin, in the third episode), follows like a real thriller.
If the first episode essentially sets the table (by presenting the reckless journalist that we know, with audio extracts from her coverage in Bosnia in support), the following ones (and we were able to listen to four of them) come back to this past until kept secret here: his meeting with the man in question, a certain Pat (also a journalist), their “perfect couple”, his first outbursts (he was a “volcano”), then his “repeated” blows. We’ll spare you the details, but obviously Anna Maria Tremonti, even 40 years later, hasn’t forgotten anything. And certain details (“it was a Sunday evening…”) of the narration speak volumes.
PHOTO ALEXANDRA BOULAT, SUPPLIED BY CBC
Anna Maria Tremonti
The story (on a dramatic music of the occasion) is interspersed with interviews with either friends, his father (still living), and especially his therapist, whose discourse and questions are indeed therapeutic. “What would you say today to the woman you were then?” »
Once finally divorced, we understand that Anna Maria Tremonti has immersed herself body and soul in her profession. But his past has left its mark. Deep, yet invisible to the naked eye. This is how she had the reflex to hide her bruises (unrelated to her story), refused for a long time to let her neck be touched, or suffered from her knees (damaged by the blows, she ended by learning). For years, his personal relationships also suffered. And today, she needs to understand: “now I need answers”, she also says in the 4and episode.
To end the shame
But why have you killed yourself all these years? “I can tell you now, answers Anna Maria Tremonti in an interview, I think it was shame. I felt like my story wasn’t worth telling, that others had stories that deserved more. I understand it better now: it was shame. And guilt. “And then you have to remember the time: it was the 1980s, his career was then embryonic. “I didn’t want to be stigmatized, to be seen as ‘the battered woman’. I was afraid it would harm me personally and professionally. »
And then the years passed. And the time has come: “I’ve had a long career at the CBC,” she says. And today I have the space to do it [se raconter]. »
And it is precisely these long-term consequences, and especially this misplaced shame, that she would like us to finally talk about.
Through this whole podcast, I’ve been reliving all that past pain, shame, and guilt, all in the wrong place.
Anna Maria Tremonti
“If just one person listens to this podcast and understands, like me, that this shame is not theirs, but their abuser’s, then that would be great. […] If just one person can listen to my podcast and realize that they might need help, then that would be great. […] I hope someone living with an abuser […] will realize that she doesn’t deserve this. That she deserves a better life. And that it is above all not her fault … “, insists the one who has carried, all these years, this heavy burden of internalized guilt. And who, it should be noted, is today in a “wonderful relationship” with Toronto City Councilor John Filion.
Finally, it is impossible not to wonder about the identity of this famous attacker. Is he still alive? Has he reacted to this series? Anna Maria Tremonti cannot answer the question (“I must not go there”). “But this series is less about him than about me,” she nuances. And yes, her identity is protected, she says, although she gives several details about her journalism assignments or awards (including one in human rights, note the irony!). “Someone might recognize it,” she concedes. But the journalistic community is not that small…”
Welcome to Paradisea podcast produced by Daemon Fairless, written and hosted by Anna Maria Tremonti