What has changed the most in 30 years?
The evolution of roles and relationships between men and women. I would say above all that men have become “mothers” like the others. In 30 years, childcare is no longer the privilege of mothers, women are no longer reduced to motherhood, we see this through our laws. This is fundamental, because it changes the daily lives of mothers, fathers and children, it gives another dynamic to society and it changes the vision of roles in society, for decades to come. There is also the fact that domestic violence is no longer a private matter. The law has entered the home, but there is still a lot of work to be done, even if speech has been freed.
PHOTO HANNAH ASSOULINE, PROVIDED BY EDITIONS DE L’OBSERVATOIRE
Michelle Dayan, family law attorney
It is women who are the ones who ask for divorce in the vast majority. Why?
Yes. In 70% of cases, it is women who ask for divorce. Men only leave if they have someone else in their life in the vast majority, which is not the case for women. I also think that women have a greater intolerance to discomfort in a relationship and that they are less afraid of finding themselves alone. There is also domestic violence, women are the most victims and they want to leave. The first cause of divorce is adultery, the second, domestic violence. Violence is more aware, and we ask more questions. I systematically ask the question: “Have you suffered violence?” Lawyers, police officers, doctors must ask questions, because victims of domestic violence always feel ashamed.
Do you see any happy divorces?
Yes, more and more. When I started 30 years ago, very often, divorce was a tragedy. Today, divorce has become commonplace. Since your neighbor, your friends, your brother, your sister, your uncle, your aunt, are going through the same thing as you, you feel less alone. Mediation, which has existed in Quebec for longer than in France, allows you to find agreements and sometimes avoid conflict. The tragedy of separation is that it is always the end of something. An end is sad, but it is not necessarily a failure. I see more and more couples who divorce and get along well, but it is true that there are also couples who hate each other for life. We are unhappy before the divorce, but it can be the beginning of a new life. Many experience it like that and I see it among all generations.
Divorce among those aged 60 and over has tripled over the last 30 years. How do you explain this phenomenon?
Life expectancy has increased, we are in better health and we want to enjoy the 10 or 15 years we have left. Women at 65 want a social, romantic and sexual life, and the wind of freedom that blows on young women also blows on their mothers! We can be happy without being in a relationship, continue to live our lives. However, there can be problems of economic insecurity in a divorce, let’s not forget that, and the losers of a divorce from an economic point of view are women.
Do children take their parents’ divorce worse when they are older?
Yes! Children are very conservative! I see that after the age of 30, they are very surprised, and it doesn’t suit them, because the grandparents look after the grandchildren. Often, following a divorce, one of the parents is unhappy or in a precarious situation, so they have to take care of them and the burden falls on them. The family, in this somewhat troubled time, is a safe haven. The parents’ marriage, the family home that never moves, is something that reassures, but it can disappear and, all of a sudden, they become children again. There are also in some cases inheritance problems when one of the parents remarries and has other children…
Does the law evolve at the same pace as society?
No, society evolves more quickly and the law ends up ratifying a situation of morals that has evolved. This is the case for shared custody and for marriage for all where it was untenable, these differences in situation for homosexual couples. Lawyers are very conservative, as is Parliament. It is good to wait until there is a real need to legislate, but we are waiting a little too long, we should move faster. The law is very often 5 or 10 years behind, but it depends on the politicians, the government, and in France, we are very conservative, more than in Quebec.
What would you say to couples today to make their divorce go smoothly?
We are always responsible for 100% of half of the problem, except in cases of violence. We must question ourselves, everyone has their gray areas. A bond is made by two and unmade by two.
We Loved Each Other So Much – The French and Divorce: Broken Hearts, Reinvented Laws
Observatory Editions
218 pages