Un jour de David Nicholls

C’est de loin le 5 étoiles le plus facile que j’ai attribué cette année.

(oubliez le fait que ce n’est que le deuxième 5 étoiles que j’ai attribué cette année.)

(oubliez aussi le fait que j’écris cette critique la veille de la fin Matière noire qui sera probablement son plus grand concurrent)

Et au fait, merde ce livre.

Peut-être que c’est juste un mauvais timing pour quoi que ce soit, mais je pense que vous devriez vous rendre en Chine ou en Inde ou ailleurs et vous retrouver, et je m’entendrai assez bien avec la chose

C’est de loin le 5 étoiles le plus facile que j’ai attribué cette année.

(oubliez le fait que ce n’est que le deuxième 5 étoiles que j’ai attribué cette année.)

(oubliez aussi le fait que j’écris cette critique la veille de la fin Matière noire qui sera probablement son plus grand concurrent)

Et au fait, merde ce livre.

C’est peut-être juste un mauvais moment pour quoi que ce soit, mais je pense que vous devriez vous rendre en Chine ou en Inde ou ailleurs et vous retrouver, et je m’entendrai assez bien avec les choses ici. Je ne veux pas venir avec toi, je ne veux pas de cartes postales hebdomadaires, je ne veux même pas ton numéro de téléphone. Je ne veux pas non plus me marier et avoir vos bébés, ou même avoir une autre aventure. On a passé une très très belle nuit ensemble, c’est tout. Je m’en souviendrai toujours. Et si nous nous croisons dans le futur lors d’une fête ou quelque chose du genre, alors c’est bien aussi. Nous aurons juste une conversation amicale. Nous ne serons pas gênés parce que tu as mis la main sur mon haut et il n’y aura pas de gêne et nous serons, peu importe ce que c’est, d’accord ? Moi et toi. Nous serons juste… amis. D’accord?

Cela va être l’une de ces critiques personnelles. Juste pour que tu sois prévenu. Si vous ne l’aimez pas, détournez le regard maintenant. Spoiler tagging pour ceux qui ne sont pas intéressés.

(voir spoiler)[Have you ever had a best friend of the opposite sex? And by that I mean a REAL best friend, not a significant other who steps into that best friend role over time. That person you call first when something great happens or when something bad happens or you need to cry. The person who absolutely knows you the best, better than any other friends you have. A person you text constantly and do everything with. A person with whom everyone else around you thinks you are in a relationship because on the outside looking in, it appears as though you are. But a person with whom that line never actually gets crossed despite what everyone else around you thinks.

You see, until very recently, what I described above describes me and my best friend Indiana. And that kind of relationship is what Dexter Mayhew and Emma Morley, our two main characters in this book, have. They meet the last day of college and have a bit of a tryst one drunken night after a party, but then stay friends. For twenty years. This book examines one day (the same day, July 15th) of every year in the 20 that Dex and Em have known each other.

And I absolutely fucking loved it. I loved the complexity and the care with which Nicholls built these two characters and their relationship. Seeing the relationship and their lives in snapshots was beautifully done and it was a way in which I as a reader was really able to see the growth and changes in not only their relationship, but in their own separate lives, lives that always seem to cross, no matter the circumstances.

And their relationship was real. And what’s more, I BELIEVED IT. I BELIEVED EVERY SINGLE WORD OF IT. And maybe it’s because I had a very close, very deep, and very platonic friendship with a guy. And this relationship between Dex and Em reminded me of myself and Indiana, sometimes painfully so. But there’s still something missing. No, this relationship was so utterly believable to me because of the characters. There is so much about Emma that is me, and so much about Dex that is Indiana it really actually truly began to scare me in places. And though their story does not actually mirror mine, it came close enough in parts where I truly understood these two characters and their behaviors and motivations and feelings, and it made these two so incredibly real to me. This relationship is pulled and strained and is in parts completely and utterly dysfunctional, and in parts unbelievably tender and beautiful. It becomes unhealthy and toxic, but comes back together seamlessly at the right time. And only two people with such a deep connection can make this whole book seem as flawlessly un-contrived as it was to me.

About halfway though, Emma realizes that their relationship has become something poisonous and wrong and she makes the decision to walk away from her best friend.

Then very quickly she turned, walked up to him and pulled his face to hers, her cheek warm and wet against his, speaking quickly and quietly in his ear, and for one bright moment he thought he was to be forgiven.
‘Dexter, I love you so much. So so much, and I probably always will.’ Her lips touched his cheek. ‘I just don’t like you anymore. I’m sorry.’
And then she was gone, and he found himself on the street, standing alone in this back alley trying to imagine what he would possibly do next.

And that part of the novel just gutted me. Completely. I had a very rare (and quite long, I might add) book cry. The words were beyond powerful and resonated with such an incredible amount of truth.

Especially for me. Because honestly, the same thing happened to me and Indiana about 3 months ago. And we still haven’t reconciled (even Dex and Emma were separated for several years in the book–only thoughts and memories survived between the two in those lost years). And that may not sound like much. Best friends going their separate ways. It happens.

But splitting with my best friend hurt worse than nearly every breakup I’ve ever had. Times would come up since we stopped talking that my fingers would seem to burn with the desire to pick up the phone and call or text. Thoughts of him and how he’s doing enter my consciousness every single day. And coming to the conclusion that sometimes fights can’t be fixed with words or « I’m sorries » or hugs or wine is really hard. Sometimes time is the only thing that can mend something broken, and even then there are times when even time doesn’t do the trick. Fundamental differences, some call them irreconcilable differences, persist in relationships and never go away no matter how many times « sorry » is said. That’s the hardest thing about splitting up. Knowing that there isn’t anything you can do to fix the problem. And journeying along with Emma and Dex as they fight their way towards these same conclusions was hard for me. Cathartic. Painful. But strangely helpful too.

I can relate to so much that Emma and Dex go through. Alcoholism, parenthood, dissolution of romantic relationships, finding an identity apart from your best friend, working your way through this thing we call life and trying to figure it out in equal parts together and apart. These same struggles and trials ran a thread through my life and relationship as well, and maybe that’s why the ending of this book hit me harder than a ton of bricks.

Seeing Emma and Dex’s relationship grow and ultimately change as the meaning of what July 15th is to the two of them reveals itself was a beautiful experience as I’ve stated before, but seeing these two friends (and eventually partners) kind of switch places later in life (in terms of success, attractiveness, style, drive, ambition, you name it) was something that was unveiled quietly and softly, and therein lies the beauty. This book is so real because it is so slow. It is twenty years of two lives. The change isn’t drastic but it isn’t constant either. And that’s what I loved about it. Seeing their lives play out in real time, chapters constantly ending and beginning until the dramatic conclusion that had me ugly crying for the second time while reading this.

So I fucking loved this book and I fucking hated this book and I will always hang onto this book because it is a rare sketch of a very unique friendship between two different people. It taught me that when a connection is made between two souls, past and future don’t matter. Sometimes relationships are completely irrational and nonsensical and can’t be explained. And sometimes two souls can and will find their ways back to each other once time has done its thing. And sometimes they can’t and won’t. But the here and now of any meaningful relationship, the meat, the juice, the essence of each one, will live on somehow. In thoughts and in memories. Choices we make or things we do. In an old almost forgotten inside joke, or a landmark only relevant to you. These relationships always stay with us whether we want them to or not. That is what connection is. That is what humans live for. What makes us different from other species. Who knows how long a person is meant to touch your life, or why they entered it in the first place. You just gotta love what you got for as long as you got it. And let it go when it’s time to say goodbye.

I wish I had a happy ending to tell you with regards to my personal part of this review. I decided to write this tonight because I ran into Indiana yesterday. And after a long hug and a few pleasantries (that had way more meaning to both of us than the mediocre words spoken between us would suggest) we both went our separate ways again, knowing time wasn’t done with us yet. And that encounter made me feel very unburdened on one hand, but still hurt like 10,000 licks of hellfire.
Woody Allen really says it best.

And that, my friends, is how this gorgeous, real, true, kick-in-your-gut, horrible, ugly-cry-including, profanity-causing gem of a book earned 5 stars from the cold-hearted monster who doesn’t give out five stars. Thank you to all and to all a good night. (hide spoiler)]