Why Some Spouses Don’t Talk About Money

People stressed about their finances often hesitate to talk about money with their spouse, but they should: It can be good for their relationship, according to a recent study.



People who worry about bills or managing finances in general often dread the possibility that talking about money will lead to an argument, so they avoid the topic, according to a study from Cornell and Yale universities published this month in the Journal of Consumer Psychology. Yet previous research shows that communicating about money helps couples spend more wisely and better manage debt.

“These people fear conflict, so they completely avoid the topic,” says Emily Garbinsky, a professor of marketing and management communications at Cornell University in Ithaca, New York, who co-authored the study.

Why this difficulty?

People may feel ashamed of having money problems, says Aja Evans, a financial therapist in New York City. They may worry that talking about money with the other person in a relationship will hurt their relationship. (Financial therapists help clients understand how their emotions and beliefs about money affect their financial behavior.)

“It’s a defense mechanism. But in the case of financial issues, the more you avoid them, the worse they get.”

People from families where money discussions were discouraged or lacking were not modeled for productive financial communication, says Megan Ford, a professor and financial therapist at the University of Georgia.

Everyone brings their financial baggage into a relationship. Sometimes it’s a handbag. Sometimes it’s three big suitcases.

Megan Ford, professor at the University of Georgia

By avoiding talking about money, we also miss the opportunity to better understand ourselves and our partner.

According to Brad Klontz, a psychologist and financial planner, most couples have a discussion at some point about their future together, including whether or not to have children. “But when it comes to money issues, I don’t think so,” he says. He asks his clients questions that probe the source of their attitudes, such as: “What are my top three financial goals?” or “What are my most painful and joyful memories about money?”

Cicadas and Ants

When it comes to money management, opposites sometimes attract, notes Scott Rick, a marketing professor at the University of Michigan who has studied the relationships between spenders and savers—the grasshoppers and ants, if you will—as a pair.

A person who is very strict about their budget may fall in love with a less frugal person.

It can be charming at first, especially for a frugal personality who has a crush on a financially carefree personality.

Scott Rick, professor of marketing at the University of Michigan

But over time, what fascinated us began to irritate us, especially if the couple had children and had to budget to meet the family’s needs. But generally, each spouse can balance the other’s extreme tendencies, says Mr. Rick, who admits to his grasshopper side. His wife is the ant of the couple, cautious about spending, he says.

“I’m married to a frugal person and it works because we both make concessions. I let her win on the big chunks, she lets me win on the outings and the holidays,” he says. “You can’t have one of you winning all the time; it’s vital to have both perspectives.”

M’s studyme Garbinsky and his colleagues show that the taboo on money can be broken. When people learn to view financial conflicts as “solvable” rather than “perpetual”—that is, based on irreconcilable differences—they are more likely to talk about finances with their partners, the researchers found.

This article was published in the New York Times.

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Three questions about financial discussions

Joint account or separate accounts?

Both.

Studies suggest that pooling some funds makes relationships more satisfying, says researcher Emily Garbinsky. Sharing a family account forces people to talk about money: “It gets couples on the same page.”

Professor Scott Rick says a joint account helped his couple see certain amounts of money as theirs as a unit, rather than as individuals: “For big decisions, it’s ‘our’ money.” Basic expenses—rent or mortgage, car payments, utilities, etc.—should flow through the joint account, he says, and be funded equally.

On the other hand, Rick also advocates for each partner to have their own account for personal items and bills for which they are individually responsible. That way, each partner can make everyday purchases without feeling like the other is scrutinizing every expense. “Everyone has their own interests and activities, that’s necessary,” he says.

How to start talking about money as a couple?

If talking about money intimidates you, start with a topic that doesn’t have too many high stakes, says Debra Kaplan, a psychologist and author of Coupleship Inc: From Financial Conflict to Financial Intimacy (Couple Inc.: From Financial Conflict to Financial Intimacy) So instead of starting with a big discussion about where you’ll live in retirement, start by establishing your next vacation budget.

When and where to talk about money?

Financial therapist Aja Evans recommends scheduling regular time—ideally once a month—to talk about finances. These money dates are used to review recent spending or progress toward financial goals. “I love the concept of a financial outing,” she says. You don’t have to do this at home; go out to dinner if you’re comfortable doing that, says Ms.me Evans.

If talking about money at a restaurant isn’t your thing, Professor Megan Ford still suggests varying where you do it. Instead of always sitting across from each other at a table, you could also go for a walk to discuss it. It’s good to clear your head, and walking side by side means you can talk without always staring at each other, which is less intimidating.


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