The day before yesterday involving the death of two children caused by a man in distress at the wheel of his bus upsets all of Quebec, and far beyond.
But how can we explain such a motivation to want to end the lives of young children? It is obviously too early to answer this question, as we lack details, but we do know that in general, men who end the lives of innocent children are commonly overcome with (sometimes delusional) anger that motivates a need for revenge.
Revenge
In very violent men, we often notice states of anger and an extreme sensitivity to rejection. These individuals, who generally come from violent and rejecting family backgrounds, have developed great anxiety that predisposes them to social adjustment disorders. In fact, their affective handicap promotes their isolation and this isolation strongly reactivates their past as a rejected child. This is how they find themselves in a perpetual cycle of rejection, isolation and psychological distress.
However, for men experiencing such distress, a single event (e.g. marital breakdown, pressure at work, financial loss, etc.) can become the straw that breaks the camel’s back, because this event reactivates an overflow of wounds. repressed since childhood.
Thus, the distress felt is such that they manage to conceive the death of children so that everyone manages to feel the same level of despair as them. A form of revenge which, of course, does not allow any appeasement.
Changing the cycle of violence
Unfortunately, there is no “miracle pill” that will make the tragic event that has just happened never happen again. However, we can suggest avenues for change. A first step is to bring these men to become aware of their past which constantly activates their anger and their thirst for revenge.
Once aware of their condition, they must realize that their emotional reactions under stress have nothing to do with the other in front of them, this reaction is totally theirs.
In other words, it is not the behavior of others that is responsible for their distress, but rather their way of thinking and feeling about this situation. In fact, the man in distress must come to understand that the only implication that others have in their problem is that they reactivate their vulnerabilities without knowing it. They are in no way responsible for it.
Thus, the abusive man moves from a perception of external control (others are the cause of my problem, so I am justified in getting revenge) to a perception of internal control (my past is the cause). In fact, the other, who confronts me with my fear, is even essential to my healing, because it constantly brings me back to awareness of my erroneous thoughts and emotions.
It is therefore important for each of us to take the time to give ourselves internal control over what we experience. We must understand and feel that we are the key to our evolution. Do not wait for others to improve. All the elements that make up your reality will change if you learn to take responsibility for your suffering. Realize how important the people who confront you with your limits are, because without them we would not be asked to change, to evolve. And let’s never forget that every crisis is an opportunity for change.
Photo courtesy of Frankie Bernèche
Frankie Berneche, Ph. D. Professor of Psychology Cégep Saint-Jean-sur-Richelieu