You have just registered your little one for a swimming lesson and after two sessions, he is having a seizure. Son no longer wants to participate. Should we insist? Persist, push or give up? Finishing what you started, does it really matter?
Posted yesterday at 7:54 p.m.
To this question, Cynthia Bédard, a 35-year-old mother from the Laurentians, is categorical: not only do her 10 and 11-year-old children have to try, but they have to persevere.
“We insist on this idea of being physically present in the activity, but also of involving one’s motivation,” she says. You have to do your best and apply yourself. Beyond performance, we encourage effort and perseverance. »
Valérie Lajoie also believes in the merits of effort and surpassing oneself. But she and her partner had to relax their thinking when their 9-year-old daughter shunned the extracurricular activities offered to her.
PHOTO MARTIN CHAMBERLAND, THE PRESS
Valérie Lajoie and her spouse Philippe Meunier, with their daughters Anaève Lajoie and Floraly Meunier
“Anaève tried all kinds of sports, such as skating, ballet, dance, gymnastics, running… But it made her anxious. She was not in the pleasure, but rather in the obligation”, indicates the entrepreneur who lives in Richelieu.
This sparked another thought in her: “My three children are different… The same formula doesn’t necessarily apply. And then, it is not because one is sporty that the other will be! »
His youngest discovered a passion for horses and started riding lessons.
At the Desautels-Bélair, the fact of having insisted with the eldest that she pursue gymnastics at the competitive level came close to disaster. “I wondered if we had worked hard, admits Martin Bélair, father of four daughters. She closed herself up, she started to sleep less well, to rebel against us for a yes or a no…”
We wanted her to continue because she had talent, but she didn’t want to know anything more!
Martin Bélair, father of four daughters
Turns out the 12-year-old preteen was tired of doing one thing, intensively.
Choose according to the personality of the child
According to the DD Sophie Leroux, psychologist at the CHU Sainte-Justine, to avoid family tensions around participation in activities, we must act upstream. “Activities should be chosen according to the child’s personality, temperament, anxiety level, development, skills, interests and, of course, energy level,” she says.
The danger is that the parent chooses an activity for the wrong reasons, be it performance, pressure from those around them, convenience or conformity… And then, it’s a safe bet that the child will become discouraged, lose interest and give up.
The parent who chooses to push his child without listening to his discomfort could send him the message that he does not respect his needs and desires or that his discomfort is unfounded, and therefore invalid.
If we don’t listen to our children’s signals, the danger is that the child will become detached from the parent, lose confidence, have low self-esteem or have trouble Know and set your limits.
DD Sophie Leroux, psychologist at CHU Sainte-Justine
It is for this reason that the famous theory that we must always “finish what we started” does not hold water, according to her. “We have to go back to our family values and we have to act in accordance with them,” says the psychologist.
For example, do we favor the value of pleasure in the pursuit or not of an activity, or that of surpassing oneself?
However, you should not be overprotective either. Meeting challenges helps children and teenagers develop, says Stéphanie Giardetti, psychosocial worker and owner of Karenuf, an organization that supports parents of teenagers.
Everyone has a comfort zone. This is the area where you feel safe. It’s important to have one… and it’s important to get out of it. And to do so, I recommend the technique of small steps.
Stéphanie Giardetti, psychosocial worker
A child who is afraid, for example, of jumping from a springboard at the aquatic center must be encouraged, supported and accompanied. And may need to consider jumping from a lower platform first. In short, the challenge must be realistic and gradual, but it must not be avoided. Otherwise, the child grows up being constantly accommodated. Uncomfortable, new or more demanding situations then risk becoming anxiety-provoking, says Ms.me Giardetti.
When Mr. Bélair’s daughter wanted to quit gymnastics after six years of investment, it was a shock. And the storm in the house, he says. “But once we all calmed down and listened to her, we realized that she wanted to continue to exploit her skills, but in a different way. Today, she is part of a recreational cheerleading group and she is much more smiling and relaxed. »