JANUARY
4
To everyone’s surprise, Taylor Swift arrives at the Bell Center, and lets it be known that she left Travis Kelce for Michael Pezzetta. After the match, Martin St-Louis said he was surprised by this situation. “In my opinion, she was going to Kansas City, and her Waze didn’t take her out to the right place! », he comments with a laugh.
13
The Edmonton Oilers are at the Bell Centre. In order to attract the attention of the National League, François Legault shows up at the game and informs Connor McDavid that he will shortly be traded to the Quebec Nordiques.
14
First weekend of the NFL playoffs. Aaron Rodgers claims a vast conspiracy prevented the New York Jets from securing a playoff spot. “The NFL is secretly run by the Illuminati and if I were a tree, would I be a weeping willow? he asks the voices in his head.
28
Conference finals in the NFL. After careful consideration, Taylor Swift reconnected with Travis Kelce, and the latter scored two touchdowns in the victory for the Kansas City Chiefs. After the match, the singer left this statement on her Instagram account: “How good it is to be back in Kansas City! In Montreal, I wanted to hug the mascot and she charged me $195. »
FEBRUARY
6
In a brief press release, the management of the Canadian announced that the menage a trois in front of the Canadian net will now be a menage a quatre. “For the modest sum of $195, any fan who wants to goal in a game at the Bell Center will be able to live their dream! », we write in full. Please note that parking is not included.
11
The New York Jets aren’t making the Super Bowl, and Aaron Rodgers sees it as another conspiracy. “The Jets have only made the playoffs 6 times since the start of the new millennium, and if you take that 6 and add another 6 with another 6, that’s 666,” explains- he.
17
Jeff Petry is left out before a Red Wings game in Calgary. Meanwhile, on RDS, Norman Flynn says that Petry is the Canadian’s best defender since the start of the season.
22
Opening of major baseball training camps. Commissioner Rob Manfred affirms that his circuit could expand by 2075, which pushes the site “Dans les officines” to produce this title: “MLB INTERESTED in Montreal? »
MARCH
1er
Two hours before the start of a game against the Coyotes, Ottawa Senators owner Michael Andlauer hired Patrick Roy as quality control manager. “It’s not very complicated,” he explains. For the moment, Jacques Martin is here, on an interim basis, and then, perhaps he won’t be, or maybe he will be, who knows, so we have to plan the moves in advance, at case I decide to do something else, but maybe not. »
PHOTOMONTAGE THE PRESS
11
Opening of the CF Montreal season. At half-time, we already noticed the death of a player, but fortunately, this dead man came back to life when a club therapist sprayed him with spray magic on the calves.
16
Start of exploratory work on the playing surface of the Olympic Stadium. “This way, we will have a beautiful new surface to welcome new rumors about the return of the Expos for several years,” said the Minister of Tourism, Caroline Proulx, at a press briefing.
17
Sensing a good deal, François Legault announces the creation of a new subsidy in order to attract the attention of major baseball. “We are going to pay 5 to 7 million dollars to Shohei Ohtani so that he can come and do push-ups in the stadium garage,” explains the Prime Minister enthusiastically. Montreal must stay on the map. »
PHOTOMONTAGES THE PRESS
APRIL
1er
In an extreme trolling gesture, Gary Bettman announces the return of the Nordiques, while indicating that Connor McDavid will soon be traded to Quebec. Everyone finds her funny, except perhaps François Legault. “5 to 7 million for an April Fool’s joke, seems to me to be a high price to pay,” he finally concluded.
10
In preparation for the presentation of World Cup soccer matches, FIFA officials are now requiring all residents of Vancouver and Toronto to be available 24 hours a day to pick up meals for the players, their make coffee, and also do their nails every morning.
16
The Canadian concludes his season at the Bell Center with one more defeat and is excluded from the playoffs. “We expected that this season,” admits Martin St-Louis. But, I’ll be honest, we didn’t expect the marketing team to bring back Metal, for example. »
17
Montreal town hall is splashed by another scandal: members of Valérie Plante’s team allegedly billed taxpayers for Youppi hugs. At a press briefing, Valérie Plante apologized. “Any expense for hugs and mascots that citizens would find themselves paying for is unacceptable,” she said.
MAY
1er
In the National Hockey League, the playoffs are in full swing. The Toronto Maple Leafs realize they don’t have a goalie.
13
To celebrate his birthday, PK Subban is launching a shocking book, Who won the Shea Weber trade and why was it the Predators?. Sales are not taking off that much.
15
Opening of the Alouettes camp. To try to attract Taylor Swift and the Swifties, the club’s management made a tempting offer to Travis Kelce: a $300,000 contract, private parking, and the possibility of eating the equivalent of his weight in poutine every week. the ice. Kelce says he will think about it.
16
The Alouettes announce with great fanfare the return of Blitz, their enormous inflatable mascot from the 2000s. “In addition, for only $195, Blitz can go to your home and serve as a trampoline for children,” we explain in the press release.
JUNE
1er Opening of the NBA finals. In an interview, Commissioner Adam Silver stated that in the event of expansion, around twenty cities could be considered. The site “In the basement of my mother’s house” gives birth to this title: “The NBA and Montreal? A QUESTION OF TIME? »
7
Start of the Montreal Grand Prix festivities. The Canadian announces that for $195, Youppi is available to fill up your gas tank for you.
9
Presentation of the Grand Prix on Notre-Dame Island. Lance Stroll won the event with almost as awkward anonymity as the time he was presented to the crowd at the Bell Center.
PHOTOMONTAGES THE PRESS
20
The Arizona Coyotes win the Stanley Cup in front of a packed house of 4,000 people. Commissioner Gary Bettman is delighted with this triumph. “It’s a great day for hockey, played where it belongs, in the desert,” he said.