Out of sight, out of mind… For couples who live their love at a distance, this adage means nothing. For them, the solidity of the links does not crumble either by distance or by time. The key ingredients? Communication, trust and autonomy.
“It takes a lot of organization, planning, and you have to be willing to put in the effort and have the difficult conversations. »
This is how Marianne Bouchard-Côté, a 22-year-old university student who currently lives in Italy and whose boyfriend lives in France, describes the winning conditions for peacefully living a long-distance romantic relationship.
PHOTO PROVIDED BY MARIANNE BOUCHARD-CÔTÉ
Marianne Bouchard-Côté and Dorian
For almost two years, the young woman, who travels regularly to practice water polo at the professional level, has been in a relationship with Dorian, a Frenchman she met in Quebec. They lived together for three months before hitting the road, each on their own, for reasons related to their work and their occupations.
“We had a real discussion to find out what our way of life was going to be, our ambitions, our aspirations,” explains Marianne calmly. You had to know what to expect next. »
Spontaneity and accessibility
According to Lucas Mancini, a 38-year-old Montrealer, having a clear plan for the future helps him overcome the fact that his lover lives thousands of kilometers away.
We met six months ago in Miami and we plan to move in together next summer. I never thought I would experience this, I am rather anxious by nature… But I believe that our relationship is solid and that we will get through it. The doubts have evaporated.
Lucas Mancini, 38-year-old Montrealer
According to psychologist Marc Pistorio, one of the biggest pitfalls of a long-distance relationship is the lack of daily sharing. Without spontaneous sharing and opportunities to communicate, love can slowly die.
“We have less possibility of having access to others,” underlines Mr. Pistorio. For the viability and longevity of the relationship, sharing our thoughts, our experiences, how we feel is crucial. Because of distance, we lose certain benefits of being a couple, such as mutual assistance, support, sexuality…”
A clear plan
This last point is shared by Lucas, who describes himself as “a bore” and “a romantic”. “You have to nurture that,” he believes, “and be honest and transparent. »
Patricia Dufort, mother of two teenagers and two young adults, lives six months a year separated from her partner of the last 30 years. For professional reasons, he exiled himself to another Canadian city before returning home.
PHOTO CHARLIE RIEDEL, ASSOCIATED PRESS ARCHIVES
A long distance relationship is an act of faith.
According to her, a clear agreement, reached on both sides, is essential.
“You should not do it reluctantly,” specifies the 50-year-old Sherbrooke resident. I think that being well surrounded helps a lot and also, being independent, autonomous. I give myself the right to say, some days, that all of this is painful and that I’m tired of it. We are human! »
A short or medium term plan, to get together, must be put on the table, says Marc Pistorio, otherwise disinterest can set in.
The more time passes, the more difficult the plan may be to achieve, one or the other may be tempted to move on… However, proximity is essential to the relationship, regardless of the plan chosen next. , for example that everyone lives in their own apartment or house.
Marc Pistorio, psychologist
The question of finances is raised by Lucas: long-distance love is expensive, sometimes in technological packages, sometimes in planes. “We put our cards on the table on how many return trips we wanted to make, at what times during the year,” he admits. It’s not easy, but the moment you commit, it must become a priority. »
Optimism and flexibility
Avoidant personalities, either those who are afraid of committing, or people with an anxious temperament, who need regular reassurance, will have a hard time experiencing long-distance love, warns psychologist Marc Pistorio. This is a question of each person’s degree of internal security.
“Optimism, flexibility, confidence and being creative, among other things in ways of keeping in touch and nourishing a certain eroticism without physical contact, are essential to maintain the bond,” says the expert. .
Just like Lucas and Patricia, Marianne keeps the faith. “I have unshakeable confidence in my boyfriend,” she slips. I know that no matter what we face, we are ready. We are capable! »