Having friends is useful in life; it is emotional support, mutual aid and valorization. But friendship can sometimes be a double-edged sword, and turn out to be toxic when expectations are not identical on both sides.
Stéphanie and Laurence met at the start of their first year of university. “We started chatting together at the end of an English lesson, and we never left each other,” said Laurence, 25. Stéphanie is a very intense girl who demands a lot of attention. Talkative and playful, she also had darker sides. Laughter and tears were never far away.
As the months passed, Laurence felt that their relationship was beginning to slip. “I don’t know if it was jealousy, but Stephanie always had something wrong. She called me regularly in tears and I took my car to join her at home to cheer her up. I sometimes had the impression that she was alone in the world and that I had to take care of her. I spent a lot of time with her, without being able to see my boyfriend or my other friends.
Besides, when Laurence didn’t answer or said she had something else, her friend didn’t hesitate to sulk and not give her any news for several days. “My boyfriend started opening my eyes. Little by little, I realized that she was trying to lock me into an exclusive relationship, she was preventing me from doing what I wanted. We saw each other at the university, in the evening and every weekend.
As she became aware that this relationship was toxic for her, Laurence began to stop responding to all of Stephanie’s messages, to no longer come to her aid when she left him tearful messages. “I finally decided to change my field of study, because the program in which I was enrolled with her did not really suit me. Stephanie took it very badly and, overnight, she stopped talking to me, calling me and texting me. She even deleted me from her Facebook friends. I found it harsh and unfair.”
Strangely, even if Laurence knew that this relationship was going nowhere, she experienced a kind of friendship pain. “It’s crazy, because I knew this friendship was going to end, but the fact that it came from her, it locked me in a spiral. I had a hard time getting out of his grip, because I was thinking about it all the time.” Laurence was fortunately well surrounded and a vacation with her lover allowed her to move on.
one way relationship
Sylvain and Annie met at their workplace. Both of French origin, the connection is strong. “We started seeing each other regularly to go have a drink and eat together, my spouse, her and me, detailed Sylvain in an interview. She was single, in need of love. She lived alone in a small apartment and her landlord was not necessarily nice to her. Sylvain invests in this friendly relationship by regularly inviting Annie to dinner or weekends at the cottage. “It was a one-sided relationship. Then she supposedly started having health problems. Sometimes she was celiac, other times she had an irritable bowel. She couldn’t eat such a thing one day, then it was something else the next week. She was just drinking red wine one month, and just white wine the next month.” Of course, the menus had to be adapted to his condition, which changed regularly.
“I made a good living, but she never contributed to the costs. She never gave gifts to my spouse or to me. At some point, I realized that she didn’t bring me anything in life, that she had become more of a drag.” Sylvain ended this relationship by canceling his presence at Annie’s birthday party at the last minute, when he had to bring the champagne. He never answered her calls again.
Getting out of a toxic friendship
In a friendship, like a romantic relationship, you have to set your limits and express them. If you often feel belittled, that communication is difficult, you have to talk about it with the other, and not let yourself be suffocated.
It is often difficult to let go of someone you have loved, and sometimes still love, but the goal is to take time for yourself. Do what you really want. Finally, avoid going to places where you might meet your friend, and try to date new people.