The Press offers you a weekly testimony that aims to illustrate what really happens behind the bedroom door, in privacy, far, far from statistics and standards. Today: Marie*, in her forties.
Marie has been in a relationship for over 20 years. A beautiful happy duo, solid, with children and full of projects. And for a year, very exactly, his couple is, as a bonus, “open”. She is jubilant: it is her “revenge”.
“Motherhood, that fucking a bit about women, ”explains the tall, blond, forty-something woman with blue eyes, sitting in a pretty café in Villeray. ” That fucking the couple. Because it is expected of us [les femmes] that we take care of a bit of everything. Even if he [le partenaire] is great, I invested a lot in motherhood, I gave it my all. But it’s over. “I am now the girl who puts her needs first. And I have zero guilt. »
She tells herself with obvious pleasure, in an assumed and carefully thought out discourse, and it shows. This is how she met her husband at university, after having had a handful of stable relationships, sexually “satisfying”, although without experiencing a phase of “exploration”, she underlines.
With his boyfriend, it’s love at first sight. “He was older, he had explored a lot […]do it party, date. […] It was the first time I had met someone with such self-confidence. »
In bed ? “It’s the complicity, the attraction, times a thousand,” she replies. Fire ! They are like “two lovers”, making love all the time. Obviously, the crazy chemistry of the beginnings lasts a while. Then, after 10 years, they get married. “And it gave us back a little kick trippy. »
In short, yes, “everything works”. Monsieur has “super emotional intelligence”, as a bonus he is an “invested” father and a generous companion. “He gives me a lot of slack, she says, if I have a contract in such a place or a trip with a friend, he tells me: go ! He’s a cheerleader. »
All is well in the best of worlds, so, until what? You guessed it: “Ah, the pandemic”, laughs Marie. “Here, the age difference takes over […]. Me, I’m 45 years old and the hormones are in the carpet, while he works a lot … “But there is more:” Me, I am on fire, and there, we are always together, a lot. Until Marie couldn’t take it anymore.
It’s getting cramped, stuffy, I’m running out of air!
Married
And then one fine evening, armed with all these reflections, Marie and her husband meet in a restaurant to take stock. The latter is not crazy: “I can see that you are badly,” he begins. Effectively. “I’m not satisfied, she replies, I want something else, and I suggest that we become an open couple. Like that, crack? Affirmative. ” I do not know anyone [d’ouvert]all my friends are single or in a relationship straight. I read that somewhere and it sounded interesting! »
The husband, “with his usual calm,” nods. “I think it’s a good idea. I don’t find it uninteresting, I don’t know if I’m going to enjoy it, but you, you’re there…”
For a year, to be exact, Marie and her spouse, rules (sorry, “marriage contract 2.0”) included, have been exploring this “sexual non-exclusivity”.
A world ”
It all happened last summer. Marie does not dare to appear too much in town, and therefore waits to leave for the South, sometimes alone, sometimes with the husband and the children, alternately, to dive. And what a plunge: “The party. […] I got on an app for the first time in my life. […] And there is the avalanche. Especially when you say you’re in a relationship and only here for the summer, that’s an open door for sex. »
This is what she wants and what she finds: half a dozen encounters with men aged 30 to 35 (“a match natural, she laughs, with the energy of a 40-year-old woman on fire”), she experiences a combination of “stress and adrenaline” which obviously suits her. She sees herself leaving the children to the husband to leave to meet a first stranger. “Am I really going to do this?” […] It’s like having a double life. Yes I do. And I slept with [lui] to the beach… ”
“I just want to have fun, she sums up, lightness, it clicks! Moreover, since she appropriated her sex life, Marie knows it: she is calmer, more peaceful. In a better mood, what.
Good for morale, all that? “It feeds your ego,” she confirms. Is it superficial? I do not think so. I think I needed this. »
What exactly ? Her eyes shine as she tells us about a midnight swim here, or a naughty shower there. If she takes her foot? “Most of the time, but not always. It’s not that bad, it’s not the ultimate goal. The ultimate goal is to have fun ! “, she repeats. Only once did she have to set her “limits” (“he was clumsy, it didn’t work”).
She’s been back in Montreal since the fall, and her adventures continue, albeit more quietly. “My ideal would be to have the person I love that I live with, and three guys that I see from time to time. »
Besides, he, this “person she loves”, how does he experience it? He has met a few girls, and Marie says she is “happy for him”. We won’t know more, because they don’t say more either. It’s not their thing. “It’s as if it were another file. If they had a boost in doing so? ” No. » If it goes out? Neither. “It’s just that rhythm. […] But I think it took the pressure off her, says Marie. He’s my best friend, the best father, the best partner, we play sports together. »
At some point, meeting all the needs of the other is still quite heavy. I think it relieved him, that case…
Married
Because she understood it: “We need two cases, she intellectualizes again. Security, stability, comfort on board. And then novelty and adrenaline on the other. And as one of her lovers once remarked to her: “I negotiated a solid deal ! she laughs. “I’m lucky…”, she also knows. “I already had great admiration for my boyfriendthere, I admire it even more for its openness… »
And if you want to know everything, no, she’s not afraid to fall in love. “I’m not here at all. Is this a risk? Of course it’s a risk. “In the meantime, “I am frank with the guys, my boyfriendand myself “.
Frank to such an extent that Marie intends to talk about it eventually to her children. “I am the girl who had a role model, saw a track : monogamy, the family, as a great well of happiness. And that talk is still there and it bothers me, she says. I would like my children to know that there are several ways to do things…” And to live.
* Fictitious first name, to protect his anonymity