The little-known reality of footballers’ spouses

Florence-Agathe Dubé-Moreau, contemporary art curator, has a flourishing career. The most recent exhibition on which she collaborated, Françoise Sullivan in the present, will soon be presented at the Montreal Museum of Fine Arts. An environment a thousand miles from the microcosm she has just left.


The NFL one.

For the last 10 years, this young Quebecer has lived out of her suitcases. Between Montreal, where she worked, and Kansas City and New York, where her partner, Laurent Duvernay-Tardif, played football. There, she joined the WAG community. The “Wives and Girlfriends” of footballers. A big culture shock. His values ​​were put to the test. In her words, she felt like “an alien”.

It is this experience that Florence-Agathe Dubé-Moreau recounts in her essay Off-side, which you will find in bookstores this week. If the author defines herself as an extraterrestrial, her book is a UFO in Quebec sports literature. A unique project. A unique look.

In the first part of the essay, rich in personal anecdotes, she testifies to her reality as a WAG. She lifts the veil on situations that are as disturbing as they are absurd. It’s captivating. The other two parts, halfway between the pamphlet and the university thesis, focus on the role of women in men’s professional leagues in North America. The point is relevant. The search is exhaustive. It makes you want to be indignant. But it’s less surprising than the first chapters.

From the outset, Florence-Agathe Dubé-Moreau puts her cards on the table. Being in a relationship with a footballer wasn’t a plus. “I have long avoided mentioning to people in my community that I liked an athlete who played in the NFL,” she wrote. For what ? I asked him in an interview. “Because I anticipated having to respond to the same prejudices that I had towards football players.

— Even if Laurent had studied medicine?

— Even at that [rires] ! »

Laurent Duvernay-Tardif’s debut in the NFL shook her up. “Can a feminist person be in a relationship with a football player? Can I appreciate an industry whose values ​​I condemn? “, she asks herself in her essay. We feel tormented. Torn. Looking for answers.

Several times in the story, she returns to moments that she found uncomfortable. “Some exchanges took me by surprise. At my first Thanksgiving dinner in Kansas City, I remember a discussion about the responsibilities of wives [wife duties]where I had to justify why I wasn’t wearing a jersey with the inscription ‘Mrs Duvernay-Tardif’ embroidered on the back.

She also draws up a long list of the aesthetic requirements clubs have for WAGs. Gender ? “The Ravens may, monthly or on match days, carry out checksand you can be [recommandées] to our hair and makeup artists. » Or, this gem taken from the code of conduct of the Buffalo Jills, the spouses of Bills players: “Rinse the razor often when you shave. Especially after cleaning a new region. »

Contrary to popular belief, WAGs, she explains, are mostly educated women. “Those I know are real estate agents, journalists, special educators, kinesiologists, entrepreneurs, lobbyists, influencers, programmers, accountants, lawyers, human resources consultants. They have a baccalaureate, a master’s degree, an MBA, and passed the Bar exam. »

Except that several of them put their careers on hold to support their husbands. “Once married, they take care of the house(s) and soon have children. If they have a job, these logistical and mental burdens are added to their paid work. »

Florence-Agathe Dubé-Moreau decided to pursue her career. Even without children, the logistics could be complicated. “I try to look in control, to look fulfilled, in an industry [la NFL] which absolutely does not take my existence into consideration, she writes. I contradict myself. I’m getting exhausted. I’m learning. »

Now imagine the challenges when it comes time to start a family. “I have heard so many women vent about their calculations to give birth in the off season so their husbands can be there. Others who asked to induce the delivery on Monday, the Chiefs’ day off, so as not to be alone in the hospital. At the 2023 Super Bowl, Kylie Kelce [la conjointe de Jason Kelce, des Eagles de Philadelphie], at 38 weeks pregnant, attended her husband’s match accompanied by her gynecologist. »

A reality which is not unique to the NFL. 10 days ago, the wife of baseball player Marcus Semien planned her birth between the quarterfinals and the semifinals, so that her husband would be present.

In another anecdote, Florence-Agathe Dubé-Moreau demonstrates the mental burden placed on WAGs by telling the story of a spouse who was stressed about having forgotten to put something in her husband’s suitcase before a match. “Although I don’t see why adult men live in a world where they are not required to pack their own suitcases, I understand better the stress of these women given the weight of the traditions they wish to carry. »

The NFL, as you will have understood, does not promote work-family balance. “However, all the players are old enough to have families,” she told me. She suggests the NFL establish a parental leave program of “at least two weeks,” as well as daycare in stadiums and training sites.

Being the spouse of an NFL footballer also means playing G.O. To the kind organizers. A blind spot that I had never heard of before his testimony. “Even the players don’t really know what it’s all about, having never attended a game at their stadium themselves, and certainly never having organized a barbecue in the Arrowhead parking lot for 20 guests with passes [pour le] field before the match, and people sitting in three different sections of the stadium, but who all have to meet after the victory in the anteroom in the basement of a building four times the size of the Bell Center to be taken to the field join Laurent. » What if she refuses? “She exposes herself to being perceived as lazy, selfish and haughty. »

The story also addresses the power struggles created by the astronomical salaries of players. “When the spouse earns in one match what the spouse could collect in 10 years, a veil of absurdity covers money matters in the couple. » This gap, she emphasizes, “assigns ipso facto [les femmes] to the role of household manager and parental responsibility, in compensation for the fact that they do not “work”. »

We understand, after reading the book, that his decade around the NFL was both enriching and exhausting. That she was marked by great moments of euphoria, such as the great victories alongside her lover, as well as by other more difficult ones, notably the times when Laurent Duvernay-Tardif was injured. “Even after nine years, I still felt outsider. » When she talks about her early years, she writes: “I have the impression that I am acting to the detriment of feminist struggles, against my own values. […] I feel in conflict with myself. And I’m angry at being this person who follows, who adapts, who molds himself. Like my mother, before me, did for my father. Then I’m sad. I’m angry-sad. And grateful. What I’m experiencing in the NFL is extraordinary – literally out of the ordinary. »

Heartbreaks that she summarizes in this very beautiful formula, used to explain her numerous trips. “I am a long aquatic plant without roots. Strong and vigorous. Above all very flexible. »

Hors Jeu: cultural and feminist chronicle on the professional sports industry

Hors Jeu: cultural and feminist chronicle on the professional sports industry

Editions du agitation

236 pages

In bookstores from October 24


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