Is female rivalry a taboo subject?
There is a lot of denial around this issue. We quickly realized this in our previous book on the imposture syndrome. We have had chilling testimonies of misconduct by women against other women, particularly at work. It’s inappropriate to say that you feel in competition with your colleague, your best friend, your sister or even your daughter, the ultimate taboo. This rivalry exists, in the form of jealousy, envy, pettiness and in the form of very mean comments from women towards other women.
Where does this female rivalry come from?
Historically, there is this idea that we must eliminate potential competitors, it is anchored in our psyche, in our culture. Stereotypes begin in childhood with tales and legends of wicked stepmothers, rival and malicious sisters, it feeds the imagination. There is also the fact that in the past, women who had no land or property, their only way to gain social status was through marriage and that was through men. We wanted to please them at all costs, which remained.
Historically women did not have the same qualities as men?
Women’s view of other women is still biased by centuries of male domination. Western culture is replete with references to the bravery of men facing off in duels or in epic knight battles. The male realized himself in the struggle. As if its value depended on its way of managing the rivalry which becomes constitutive of its power. Among women, rivalry is out of place, a woman is not made for combat or for a show of force. A woman fulfills herself not in rivalry, but in motherhood. A woman is gentle, nice, supportive, otherwise she is a shrew (Shakespeare) or a hysteric (Freud).
Male rivalry is accepted, unlike female rivalry?
Among men, rivalry is not only accepted, but valued. Aggression, combat and ambition are not part of the female repertoire. There is no direct confrontation allowed, because women are expected to be gentle and empathetic. What manifests itself frontally in the man becomes tangent and diverted in the woman. Women have not learned to manage rivalry, so when they have ambition, they keep quiet, but they resort to other strategies which are rumors and aggressive passive, which can be harmful in an environment. professional. An American study revealed that 63% of women prefer to have a man as their boss. Women often say bosses are emotional, mean, or bitchy.
This female rivalry comes in particular from the lack of self-confidence?
Yes, when we feel in competition with another woman, it is because very often we project our own flaws and our lack of confidence onto her. There are so many women who reflect on the way other women dress, we’ve all done it, let’s face it. We judge women’s bodies so harshly, there are injunctions around beauty, youth, thinness and all of this is amplified by social networks. Women constantly compare each other, are very harsh on each other, but we have to be vigilant, and become aware of our misogynistic reflexes. We must learn to be in solidarity.
Do you also mention intra-family rivalry?
It is customary to say that relationships between sisters are a laboratory for future relationships. In siblings, we compete for the attention and love of parents, it’s natural, it teaches us to share and behave in society with other women. The ultimate taboo is the rivalry between a mother and her daughter, because unfortunately, there are mothers who are jealous of their daughter, it’s terrible. It’s a losing battle, because your daughter will always be younger and perhaps accomplish things that you may not have been able to achieve.
Can rivalry also be healthy?
Rivalry is inevitable because it’s an emotion, it’s envy, jealousy, comparison, which is human, and when rivalry is used well it can be a great driving force like in sport, where you talks about healthy competition and surpassing oneself.
Should solidarity between women be further developed?
Examples of solidarity between women are very inspiring. It is our responsibility to all of us, to change things, to unite, to help each other, to stop making unpleasant comments. We have to be aware of our behavior. It must be said that from now on, I will no longer comment on a woman’s body. This way of being judgmental, you really have to stop it and be on the side of women, let nothing pass, reach out, help each other. We must learn to admire instead of envy.
End female rivalry
Elisabeth Cadoche and Anne de Montarlot
Editions de l’Homme
288 pages