We have said everything about love, or almost. Do we still believe in it? Are we disillusioned? “For the majority of adults, there is this hope of finding love, of meeting a person who will be important to us and for whom we will be important”, underlines the psychologist François St Père.
“There is this desire to fall in love and to share your life with someone, but do you need passion and the feeling of love to be good in life? No, I do not think so. We need, from a psychological point of view, to be appreciated, loved, supported, but if we have friends with whom we help each other, with whom we share interests, sensibilities, we live very well “, notes the psychologist François St Père.
PHOTO FRANÇOIS COUTURE, PROVIDED BY FRANÇOIS ST PÈRE
Psychologist Francois St Père
He reminds us that love is helping the other. “It’s not just the feeling of love. There are people who have very invested, enriching and fulfilling friendships and consider themselves very happy as a result. »
“There are certain singles who are not looking for love and who live their celibacy well, he adds. They have a very satisfying social life, made up of sharing and benevolence, and that suits them very well. »
Chiara Piazzesi, professor in the sociology department at the University of Quebec in Montreal (UQAM), believes that the idea of love lives on, but that it is less idealized than before. “We believe in love as a source of happiness. We continue to couple, to marry, to separate, to divorce, to remarry. »
PHOTO ALAIN ROBERGE, LA PRESSE ARCHIVES
Chiara Piazzesi, professor in the sociology department at UQAM
There has always been this fear that people will be completely disillusioned and no longer pair up. This fear was maintained throughout the XXe century, but we continue to get married and believe in love! It is no longer love forever, but we believe in it and we can now conceive of it differently with multiple models of couples.
Chiara Piazzesi, professor in the sociology department at UQAM
An opinion shared by Katherine Péloquin, psychologist and professor in the Department of Psychology at the University of Montreal. She believes that the majority of adults have the objective of succeeding in their life as a couple. “It remains an ideal, a foundation, a basic structure, to be in a couple, but there are changes in the models. There are partners who do not live together, there are also more open relationships. There is more equity between men and women. There is also a greater awareness of individual well-being. There are fewer sacrifices for the family or the spouse and the feeling that you have to take care of yourself to be balanced,” she believes.
Rethinking the couple
François St Père, a psychologist specializing in couple therapy, notes in his practice that there is greater openness among couples. “What I observe is that we give ourselves more personal freedom. Some will, for example, go on a trip with friends without the spouse, or still others have the courage to discuss sexual or romantic non-exclusivity. »
The psychologist also notes that the requirements are higher. “Today, we enter into a relationship not to contribute to society as in the past, but for our personal fulfillment, our well-being, so the requirements are greater. We want our lover to be our best friend, or someone stimulating with whom we share several common interests and we have less tolerance towards each other, ”he says.
“We ask a lot of things from each other, but it’s also the beauty and richness of contemporary relationships in the 21st century.e century compared to a 1930s or 1950s wedding! “says Chiara Piazzesi. ” It’s normal ! Everything is more complex today and everything is negotiated, but that does not prevent relationships from forming and flourishing, ”says the researcher.
think about yourself
It is no longer enough to emphasize romantic idealization. “To say that it is enough to love each other and that everything will be fine, this speech no longer works! There are other factors that must work for two people to achieve a project of living together. There is listening, benevolence, good communication between partners, the ability to put oneself in the other’s shoes. These are changes in the intimate culture, it complicates relationships, but for the better, ”thinks Chiara Piazzesi.
PHOTO KARENE-ISABELLE JEAN-BAPTISTE, SPECIAL COLLABORATION
Katherine Péloquin, psychologist and professor in the Department of Psychology at the Université de Montréal
In these times of Valentine’s Day, should we remember that it is important to devote time to our relationship? “The challenge is not to relegate it to the background, especially when there are children. You have to make time for your partner and maintain this special bond you have with your lover,” says Katherine Péloquin.
Having a happy and fulfilling romantic relationship has psychological benefits. “We have greater life satisfaction, greater well-being, better sexuality, fewer psychological difficulties, fewer problems of drug or alcohol abuse. But beware, it is better to be alone than with a loving partner who does not support and value us. »
The evolution of sexual exclusivity
In your opinion, what is the ideal intimate relationship? This is the question that was asked of nearly 4,000 Canadians as part of the MACLIC research project co-directed by two UQAM professors, Chiara Piazzesi and Martin Blais.
Result: 81% of people in a couple indicated romantic exclusivity as their ideal, while 70% of people in a couple indicated sexual exclusivity as their ideal.
PHOTO IVANOH DEMERS, LA PRESSE ARCHIVES
Romanticism always has its place in a couple.
Romanticism
“What is interesting in this result is that romantic and affective exclusivity seems to be more important than sexual exclusivity,” explains Chiara Piazzesi, professor in the sociology department at UQAM. She launched last year with a team of researchers the MACLIC project (for Mapping Contemporary Love and Intimacy Ideals in Canada). Nearly 4,000 adults, Canadians, answered a questionnaire on the conception of love and intimacy. This five-year research project aims to document romantic and intimate relationships within the Canadian population, and the first results relate to the theme of exclusivity.
PHOTO YUICHI YAMAZAKI, AGENCE FRANCE-PRESSE
It is for the 25-39 age group that sexual exclusivity as an ideal is the lowest, at 61%, and it is higher among the oldest.
Chiara Piazzesi is not surprised by these results. “When we see that 70% of people indicate sexual exclusivity as their ideal, it is a significant data which means that we begin to think of monogamy as being less central or at least not as insurmountable as in the past, she observes. There are differences in responses by sexual orientation, gender, relationship status and age. »
Indeed, it is for the 25-39 age group that sexual exclusivity as an ideal is lowest, at 61%, and it is higher among the oldest – at 87% among people aged 65. years and over, 78% among 50-64 year olds and 65% among 40-49 year olds. Heterosexual women are more likely than heterosexual men to identify romantic exclusivity as the ideal (95% compared to 85%) as well as sexual exclusivity (87% compared to 76%). Among gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual or queer people who are in a relationship, 55% indicated romantic exclusivity as their ideal, while 36% indicated sexual exclusivity as their ideal.
Among single people who were not dating anyone, 89% considered romantic exclusivity as their ideal and 79%, sexual exclusivity, while among single people who were dating one or more people, 66% considered romantic exclusivity as their ideal, and only 51% listed sexual exclusivity as their ideal.
Chiara Piazzesi thinks that there is a real evolution and reflection on this question of exclusivity. “One wonders if a single person is capable of fulfilling all our desires. Does being in a relationship with a person imply giving up all other sexual relations? »
This is what is questioned here, whether we are in a relationship or not. Until recently research showed, especially for heterosexuals, that sexual exclusivity was synonymous with commitment, and I think there is a change in this regard.
Chiara Piazzesi, professor in the sociology department at UQAM
“We are in the process, slowly, of normalizing sexual non-exclusivity, in any case, it is a hypothesis. These results reflect a change in sensitivity that is slowly taking place on sexual exclusivity, but we see that there is something more delicate in romantic exclusivity,” she analyses.
The professor and her team of researchers are beginning to analyze the data collected by questionnaire. “We will interview a little over fifty people in Canada to deepen their answers to questions about love and intimacy. The whole thing should be completed within four or five years, we hope to have a very complete picture,” says Chiara Piazzesi.