“I had never in my life measured the magnitude of the task that awaited me. I threw myself headlong into parenthood, eyes closed and heart filled with hope. I let myself be fooled for a long time. […] I believed in the idyllic photos on social media, the family movie gifts, the pancake breakfasts, the magical Christmases, the adventures at the end of the world. I wanted it so much to be true. I wanted it to be for me.
From the first pages of his book, The birth of a motherMélanie Boulay admits: her experience of motherhood is nothing like what she had imagined.
“I didn’t even know it was possible to have such an uncomfortable pregnancy,” says the singer-songwriter, half of the duo Les soeurs Boulay, in an interview. And that was just the beginning of the “roller coaster” for the woman who is now the mother of two boys, Léonard, 6, and Clarence, almost 3.
In her book, an intimate story punctuated by social reflections on parenthood, Mélanie Boulay recounts her first traumatic childbirth, a million miles from the birth plan filled with “good answers” that she had written – because, in her prenatal classes, she had been told “half-heartedly that a successful childbirth is a “natural” one, which is done vaginally and without pain-reducing methods.”
She talks about her difficulties breastfeeding and denounces the pressure exerted by the nurse – nicknamed Satan, in her writing – and the pro-breastfeeding discourse that made her feel like a “bad mother” when she turned to infant formula. Sleep, benevolent parenting, sharing tasks between her partner, the comedian Guillaume Wagner, and herself are also topics that she addresses by presenting her experience filled with imperfections.
Difficulties in silence
“I have wanted to share my experience for a long time because I had not heard my experience before,” replies Mélanie Boulay when asked what prompted her to tell her story.
“What I saw in the media, in social networks, were often perfect experiences,” she continues.
I think that people, when they experience difficulties around motherhood, they tend to keep it to themselves.
Melanie Boulay
Mélanie Boulay believes in showing a plurality of experiences. In this sense, she is proud to be part of a movement where more and more women are speaking out to talk about the challenges of becoming a mother – actress Jessica Barker and host Valérie Roberts have published books on the subject in recent months.
PHOTO JOSIE DESMARAIS, THE PRESS
Melanie Boulay
“I was one of those who thought that motherhood wouldn’t change me that much. I was in denial at that point,” confides Mélanie Boulay.
Before I became a mother, I looked at mothers who flipped their lives around and I didn’t understand them. […] You really have to experience it to understand it.
Melanie Boulay
Idealized role
She points out in her book that in public discourse, motherhood is still often idealized. Why, according to her? “We actually think that women are born to become mothers, that this is the greatest role of their life. […] We put a doll in the hands of a little girl and hope she learns to care for others.”
When we are told repeatedly that being a mother “is the greatest role of [s]”In our existence,” it is difficult to dare to talk about the pitfalls encountered as a parent, she continues.
I think it’s a huge taboo. […] When you feel inadequate, not perfect, unfit, when you find it difficult, it’s very shameful.
Melanie Boulay
How can we, as a society, better support new mothers? The one who was followed by a doula would like there to be more resources and a different approach. “The person arrives with their help, but they have their own way of seeing things, a desire for a specific result: when I leave here, you have to be able to put your child to the breast. Whereas the approach could be more on the mother: You, what do you want? What are your needs right now?”
She also demands the right to change one’s mind. Yes, before giving birth, one may wish to breastfeed, but if one changes one’s mind later, one should not feel the judgment and pressure of the healthcare team, she believes.
The importance of the environment
With The birth of a motherMélanie Boulay hopes to reach “mothers who feel like they’re in a strange place right now. New mothers, or those who are less new, who need to sort out their experience of motherhood.”
“But ultimately, I think it’s for everyone who’s in contact with mothers, directly or indirectly,” she adds, because the book opens a window into the thoughts and trials of a woman who has just given birth.
During the interview, she also emphasizes the importance of being well surrounded when you become a mother. “When I left the hospital, I arrived home, all alone with my child. I felt responsible for an entire life, but with no one around me to help me, guide me, give me advice,” remembers the woman who can still count on a very present partner.
“Mothers, we are not made to raise our children alone.”
The birth of a mother
Ink Scent
208 pages