Testimonial | I can’t see the finish line anymore…

In connection with this COVID-19 pandemic, which seems to have no end, there is much talk about the many negative impacts on people’s mental health that the whole work can cause. This is all the more true when we advance in time.

Posted yesterday at 10:00 a.m.

It’s very beautiful. However, in my opinion, the discourse stops there. I have the humility to think that, concretely, the harmful effects on mental health are not popularized, dissected, or even analyzed.

In order to democratize the thing, I allow myself to speak because I feel concerned. I’m not afraid to say it, I’m a person who lives their daily life with fragile mental health. This, for X reasons. I’m not afraid to say it either, it’s getting harder and harder to keep your head above water.

* * *

Since March 2020, the worst day of all was December 30. The bad news announced by the Quebec government that evening hit me like a ton of bricks. New confinement, new curfew and all that comes with it. This step back gave me the impression of reliving the nightmare of January 2021, a period of great darkness lasting several months that I never thought I would experience again. And yet!

It was with this in mind that, on the evening of December 30, I sat in a small ball on the ground against the wall and cried. I took refuge in alcohol. I couldn’t believe what awaited me. A strong feeling of helplessness and incomprehension inhabited me. I had done my part to protect the most physically vulnerable people.

However, by dint of compromise to protect others, it is I who have become vulnerable, mentally speaking. I feel that I have no more effort to give. I am on my knees.

Water has flowed under the bridge since that evening. Since then, and even more than before, an amalgam of loneliness, depression and emptiness has taken over me. I don’t have a family life to put down roots. Even though I am newly single, I must therefore experience this mourning by myself.

Also, the feeling of perseverance is gone. This results in having no personal or professional ambition. I don’t feel fulfilled at all, and I need this engine to move forward, to realize myself as a human being and thus contribute to society. To go further in this thought, I feel in seclusion. I’m not the captain of my destiny, I don’t have both hands on the wheel of my life. I am at the mercy of others.

Above all, in this emotional shambles, I feel a taciturn form of despair. I always drag my little bundle of melancholy with me. I feel the effects on my body.

You should know that I built myself through my social activities, my networking, my friends. I am an outgoing person. I feed on the contact of others, I am greedy of others.

Finally, if I could change one thing immediately, it would be to be able to go to the gym. I need this routine to evacuate my daily worries, free my mind and let off steam. Just with that, I know I’ll be fine.

In short, to move forward in my life, I need to be stimulated and entertained. To paraphrase one of Newton’s laws of motion, the less I do, the less I feel like doing. I am in inertia. Unfortunately, I don’t know when that will change.

I can’t see the finish line anymore, I must admit.

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