I repeat it every year: I hate this day!
Posted at 12:00 p.m.
I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). It means that my brain fixes the negative. It produces concern, anxiety. He is always afraid. The problem with the brain of someone with GAD is that it can’t tell what is real danger from what isn’t. He sees mammoths everywhere.
At 16, I was convinced that I was going to die of a heart attack. So much that my body could simulate heart discomfort. I started having agoraphobia. Panic attacks in public places. It wasn’t easy to pursue my studies at CEGEP and university, let’s say… That’s when I saw that people didn’t understand what I was going through. I asked classmates for help because I was missing morning classes (taking the subway at rush hour was downright impossible), but they thought I was lazy. I just looked like someone who doesn’t want to get up in the morning.
I know, my brain was playing tricks on me. My relatives, not knowing what I was going through and thinking I was doing well, said to me: “Well, come on, calm down! If only it had been that simple…
After years of this inner struggle, I met a fabulous doctor who said to me, “You’re trying to stop a speeding train on your own. We will help you. And it was medication and psychotherapy.
It was long, but I think I got a good mental balance. I keep the medication. I tried to quit, but it’s taking too much.
Panic attack
Of course, my brain is still an anxious brain. Which makes it hard for him if there are too many difficult things to manage. This happened in 2018 when I was a secondary school teacher. I had trouble managing my three French groups of 3and secondary. I tried to stay calm, but I was always afraid that they would take over. I felt very small and very alone. The worst was the feeling of not being able to help those who needed it. I was too busy with the “tanners”. One day, it hadn’t happened to me for a long time, but when it was time to go to class, I felt bad. Convinced that I was having a heart attack… Hospital, exams, result: it was a panic attack…
Hence a sick leave for depression. Of course I was not well. It took many months to heal. And I thought, wrongly, that I could talk about it to colleagues who I thought were friends.
One day, they announced to me that they did not want any more links with me because I was depressing them too much. You know, the famous one: I only want the positive in my life, so I keep the negative away… The negative was me. And my damn defective brain.
So imagine my reaction when these famous fake friends posted their profile picture with the Bell logo to announce their support for mental illness research!
So that’s what I want to tell you today: supporting Bell cause for cause is good. But staying with someone in pain is better. Often, the affected person just needs a listening ear, and, above all, a lack of judgment. We do our best to be normal, believe me.