By getting down to writing his work Secure parent, secure child, psychologist Marc Pistorio had no desire to write a book on parenting that proposes an approach to follow to the letter.
“Parents look for a lot of information on the Internet, mainly recipes: “How do we do discipline?” or “What do you do when a child is disruptive?” », underlines Mr. Pistorio, in an interview with The duty.
In his book published on September 20, he instead suggests breaking away from this pattern by sending a message to fathers and mothers: “you are certainly more competent than you think.” “Go and occasionally look for information online, but don’t go looking for an approach that may seem interesting to you, but which does not correspond to your personality or that of the child. »
Some fathers and mothers are influenced by widely held myths, he observes. “For example, when we say: “Let your baby cry, otherwise he will become manipulative.” However, we know very well that a baby has no intention of this nature. »
Marc Pistorio then encourages parents to listen to their intuition. “I tell them: ‘Trust yourself. If intuitively you tell yourself that you don’t like this practice and that it doesn’t suit you, it’s probably because it’s not the right educational practice for you”. »
The latter wants to reassure mothers and fathers who, upon learning that they have relied on certain myths, fear having damaged the bond with their little one. ” This is not the case. From the moment a parent modifies their behavior and adapts better to the child’s development, the child is enormously plastic and does not remain with this first impression. »
From one parenthood to another
The father of a 31-year-old daughter says he got the idea for this book when he noticed the difficulty for new parents in navigating between the different types of parenting that exist, especially since some are opposed.
On the one hand, very authoritarian styles of education are gaining popularity, particularly in France, where the author is from. On the other hand, some people rather advocate parenting that does not impose punishments and few limits on toddlers, underlines the man who lived for several years in Montreal before settling in Los Angeles, in the United States.
Instead of dictating to parents what style of education to adopt, the psychologist wanted to present them in his book with information drawn from scientific research and clinical practice.
It deals in particular with the way in which parent-child attachment is created and the different stages of its development. “If parents have information about how the child is developing, perhaps they will develop more realistic expectations about what is possible and what is not and, in fact, adapt the educational practices. »
His book is full of advice for ensuring that the parent-child bond is warm, while setting limits. The latter, when properly placed, secure the little one, underlines Mr. Pistorio.
Observe your child
The author suggests that parents become a “benevolent observer” of their little one. “Observe him playing, observe him with other adults, observe him in the schoolyard, and find out a little bit about how he reacts. Is he rather solitary, does he like social interactions, does he talk a lot or is he a child of few words? »
It is then a matter of accepting the personality of your toddler and assisting him in what constitutes a challenge for him, continues the psychologist.
Pistorio believes it is important to develop a unique parenting style for each sibling. “We hear a lot of parents say: “We do the same with all our children because we love them the same.” I find that loving a child well means adapting to their needs rather than offering them practices that perhaps don’t suit them. »
Some toddlers can be very go-getters and don’t seem to be afraid of anything, he illustrates. “We will have to teach this child to take care of himself by saying: “You can put yourself in danger. It’s good to try things, but you might be a little too young for that. Let’s wait.” » However, it is not necessary to impose the same rules on your brother or sister who takes few risks, he explains.
Revisiting its history
Marc Pistorio also advises those who want to become parents to take stock of their own childhood. “It’s the idea of being clear with one’s own history and with the parental model that one has observed. Were we raised by parents who were very authoritarian or rather permissive? »
It is not a question of reproducing without questioning what we experienced with our parents or doing the opposite of them, because “it repairs us”, he emphasizes. “The goal is to keep the best of what our parents gave us and to adapt what was perhaps more difficult. »
Mr Pistorio strongly contests the idea that it is impossible to give to our children what we have not received ourselves. “It’s false,” he emphasizes. It would be good for parents to say to themselves: “We can offer what we have not received.” Otherwise, there would be no introspection or therapeutic approach that would work. »