Sad news is the death of Christine Caron, who repeatedly tried to get help for her mental health and took her own life last December. Christine and I shared the same fight, that of being diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD).
I’m sorry, Christina. Sorry your storms weren’t validated by that doctor who, as you mention in your letter before you left, said “if you wanted to kill yourself, you would have done it already and you just want to do a show to attract attention”, that we saw only simple drops of water in a glass. This gaslighting unfortunately exists and it only makes us more powerless. It is heartbreaking to know that it happens that people with BPD are not taken care of because they are misunderstood, because what cannot be seen is so hard to believe.
I understand this confusion. For 10 years, I warned those around me that I had to consult for a borderline personality disorder. It was very difficult to have a consultation since apparently, I was “functioning well in my everyday life”. But crises don’t happen every day, and when they do, we never know if it’s for the last time. I cried fire when no one saw the smoke or inhaled the pungent scent, and yet. It was not until two years ago that I had a toxic psychosis that I entered through the front door of the emergency room to be saved from myself.
At that moment, I no longer knew who was alive and who was not, I was too big for my body. I was choking. I wanted to open up so I could breathe again. I believed that my grandmother was still alive, and that my uncle who accompanied me to the emergency room was dead. It is thanks to him if I am still here to write this post. I was able to consult a psychiatrist after a long agony in the whirlwind of my psyche on a stretcher. How relieved I was to be taken seriously, to be listened to for once. But unfortunately not everyone is so lucky.
TPL constantly gives us the impression of being on the edge of an abyss. Some days are more difficult than others to maintain balance. However, we are not just our diagnosis. We are total people who love, who dream, who are passionate, who just want to be understood. We are endowed with this superpower called hypersensitivity which, if left unchecked, can quickly turn against us.
It is time to revise our priorities as a society, to provide access to more information to medical personnel and above all, to more resources in the field of mental health. Knowing that people who present in a state of crisis will slip from the hands of medical personnel at one time or another, one can only experience dismay and consternation.
Christine, your death will not be in vain. It wasn’t suicide that got the better of you. We don’t kill ourselves. Suicide is a symptom of something bigger than us. It is our suffering that can get the better of us. It is this failing system that must map our struggles appropriately as well.
I consider people struggling with mental health issues to be warriors, but every warrior needs to rest, and it’s time we all had a helping hand, a listening heart, access to a the health professional who supports us.
Christine, I would like to express my condolences to your family and loved ones. I look at your photo, where you are all smiles, all full of light. And I think of our smiles which are islands of peace resurfacing between two storms. Smiles given by miracle or received by the grace of others. Our smiles like water lily flowers blooming despite the hardest nights.
Need help ?
If you are thinking about suicide or worrying about a loved one, workers are available to help you, anywhere in Quebec, 24/7. Telephone: 1 866 CALL (277-3553) . Text: 535353 .
Chat, information and tools: www.suicide.ca