Saying no to children may be the easy way out in the moment, but not in the long run, according to a parenting expert.
Kirsty Ketley, 42, advocates a “respectful parenting” method instead.
Herself a mother of two children, Ella, 10, and Leo, 6, she has been offering them “controlled choices” since they were toddlers.
“I think it’s important to respect your limits, so that children understand that ‘no’ means ‘no’,” the British tiktoker told Jam Press.
“All families are different and boundaries vary, which is normal: what works for one won’t always work for another. But the way the ‘no’ is expressed will make a difference in the reaction of children, whether they are toddlers or teenagers,” she added.
It is therefore not a question of proscribing the word “no”, but of making a judicious use of it, in order to preserve its full meaning.
Mme Ketley clarifies that she reserves this word for situations in which her children could be in danger.
“Of course, a firm and clear ‘no’ is essential if your child is in danger. If he is about to run away on a busy road, of course you can say ‘no!’” she nuanced.
However, she advises not to use the “no” when there is no danger, she confides to the New York Post.
Here are his methods to avoid saying “no”.
1. Giving instructions to children
Mme Ketley, who has more than 20 years of experience working with young children and their families, says positively reinforcing children is more effective than telling them to stop.
“First, tell them what you want them to do, rather than what you don’t want,” she explains.
“For example, if he’s running and you’d like him to walk, remind him to use his ‘walking feet’ instead of telling him ‘don’t run’.”
2. Say yes
Mme Ketley argues that it’s best to put ego aside, and not associate ‘yes’ with defeat. It is more of a negotiation tactic.
“It’s not about giving in at all”, she explains, but about answering the child: “No, it’s not the right time”, telling him, for example, that what he wish could happen in the near future.
3. Provide Choices
Which is more appealing, a definite ‘no’ or a few options? M asksme Kettley.
“Give them controlled choices,” recommends the specialist.
“It’s about giving them a choice between two things that you approve of, to help them feel in control when you are in control,” she advises.
4. Divert his attention
If the child no longer remembers what he asked for, the problem is already solved, and that without there having been a crisis of any kind.
“Use distraction techniques. If you’re at the supermarket and he wants something, use distractions instead,” advises Ms.me Kettley.
“Make it seem really, really exciting,” she adds.
5. Grant yourself peace
Finally, M.me Ketley suggests avoiding potentially problematic situations.
“If you’re going to someone who isn’t ‘childproof’ at all, don’t go there,” she suggests.
“Rather than spending time there, feeling stressed and having to say no to the person, ask them to come to your house instead. Or go meet her on neutral ground.”