Sharing passwords with your loved one, good or bad idea?

While some couples share their passwords and willingly lend each other their devices (phone, tablet, computer), thus giving access to their messages received by e-mail, text or Messenger, others prefer to keep “a secret garden”. Why, and is it a good idea?

Maude Goyer
Special collaboration

Parents of two children aged 7 and 9, Mélanie Maheux and her spouse have lived together for nine years. Since the start of the pandemic, they have both been telecommuting, full time, in their home in Brossard. For them, the common management of all technological devices is a way of saving time… and avoiding oversights and delays.

“It’s very open,” says Mélanie, 31. The passwords are saved on our two phones, our two laptops and on the tablet. We both have free access. ”

Since her partner has a busier schedule than her, Mélanie admits that it allows her to follow up appointments more quickly, whether it is a summons to school for the children or a repair for the car in the garage.

Doesn’t that add to his mental load? No, she thinks. On the contrary. “You might think my load is greater since I have to check two couriers, two schedules, etc., but I think that actually lightens it. We do not run after information, we do not wait for an answer from the other to settle something. ”

Pascale Boudreault is going through the same thing: she shares everything with her partner… partly because she has attention deficit disorder. “She tends to forget or delay telling me about different things related to our 4-year-old son,” confides this 37-year-old Montrealer. This has already put us in trouble! ”

Sharing everything, for her, seems obvious: “Why not just do it? ”

A secret garden

This question, François Bérubé, a 44-year-old teacher from Rimouski, is also asked, but in reverse. “Why share everything? What’s the point ? », Launches the one who has two children aged 6 and 8 in shared custody.

In a relationship for less than a year with a new spouse, he wonders what would be the needs behind a complete sharing of personal information.

Valérie Laliberté agrees. A mother of two young children and a stepmother of two preadolescents, she prefers to keep a healthy distance from her partner’s communications, especially with regard to her stepchildren. “I don’t have to know all the discussions that my partner has with his ex,” explains the 40-year-old from Sherbrooke. We are in a transparent and trusting relationship, but it’s important that I have my own things, and him, his. ”

She points out that the nature of their professional work also plays a role in their decision: they are both public servants in the federal government. “We are very aware of computer security,” she says. And we must not forget that a conflict or a separation, it can happen! ”

Myriam Saidi knows something about it: she lived a difficult separation… where her ex-husband searched in his phone to erase compromising messages that he had sent her. “I wanted to keep them for our file before the mediator, drops this mother of two teenagers. For me, it’s clear: I will never share my passwords again! ”

The sex therapist and psychotherapist Sylvie Lavallée believes that it is “a very good sign to give access to your devices” to your partner. Why ? “In a relationship of trust, we do not dig into the things of the other, unless it is for a practical concern, to manage something, for example, underlines the specialist in couple relations. But if one of the two people has a doubt, and she does not find soothing certainties to answer this doubt, then she will interpret that the other has something to hide. It will not be secure. ”

However, the feeling of security is the basis of a relationship of love built with authenticity, integrity and honesty, says Mr.^me The valley. “The real question is: why do I want to keep something to myself, to have my little world apart? she advances. Sharing passwords is a way to demonstrate our trust, our transparency, to nurture intimacy in a rich and vast relationship, without masks. ”