Do you have issues? Buried frustrations or unacknowledged fantasies? Talk about it, they say! Certainly, but how?
It is to answer this silly question, although oh so sensitive, that arise one day or another all the couples of the world that Vanessa and Xander Marin have just published Sex Talksa practical guide to learning the art of discussing these delicate, possibly awkward, certainly exciting topics.
Their target audience: couples in love, who have passed the milestone of passion and who wish to find a little spice in their lives, a connection in bed. All these couples who love each other, but who don’t understand why the flame is no longer there. The famous flame that burned so strongly the first few months.
You remember ? How to forget it! Objective ? Turn it back on!
If it is here abundantly question of sexuality, desires and other pleasures, the interest of the subject goes well beyond the bedroom. Read the subtitle: The Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life, the conversations that will transform your love life, they claim. Nothing less.
Because it’s obvious: when you have the tools, the confidence, the delicacy and the ease to talk about sexuality, “we can then talk about everything”, indicate the authors on the phone, in an interview from California.
And they’ve found a hell of a lot here. Because if we know that the key, in terms of sexual relations, but also love, friendship, family, professional, in short, human, is communication, no work, until now, frankly offers manual.
How do you tell the spouse that his technique is not perfect? That we don’t want, but just a little? How to talk about frequency, desire, fantasies, without offending the main stakeholders? Do we dare to ask ourselves all these questions?
We found no other book that explains how to talk about sexuality with your spouse! And it’s fascinating, because it’s the universal thing that we all do in our couple, but not a book explains how to do it!
Vanessa Marin, co-author of Sex Talks
Before we get to that, a word about this daring duo of authors, together for 15 years: Vanessa Marin, 39, is a sex therapist, and Xander Marin, 37, her husband, presents himself as an ordinary guy (“regular dude”). Both pass the buck in the interview as in the book, offering a unique perspective, both theoretical and practical, on the issue. With all the secrets about their couple dynamics (yes, even under the duvet) that this implies.
And it works, to see the enthusiasm they arouse, both in the traditional media (New York Times, CNN, etc.) than on virtual networks (Instagram, TikTok). “I think people desperately need to have open and honest conversations about sexuality,” they say. And seeing us vulnerable with our own issues really hooks them. »
As proof, we learn here that they have done therapy, that they too have a more beige sexuality at times, and that Vanessa has even faked an orgasm for years. Yes, all of this is possible, even “perfectly normal”, they insist.
Better. Since they started talking to each other, sharing and exchanging, everything has changed.
PHOTO EVERGLOW PHOTO
Xander and Vanessa Marin
I’ve never had a relationship where I spoke as openly, honestly, and frequently as I did with Xander. I’ve also never had a relationship where the sex was so deeply intimate and wildly satisfying as it is now. I don’t believe these two things are coincidences.
Vanessa Marin, quote from the introduction to Sex Talks (free translation)
Hence the book, therefore, which offers a real theoretical course in sexual communication, questionnaires, statistics, topics to be discussed and summaries included. You will find there: in addition to the famous five sexual conversations to have (from the most modest to the most naughty: what are we trying new, darling?), eight golden rules in terms of communication, eleven types of sexual personalities and six styles of initiations.
True, the authors cast a very wide net here. That’s the whole point: it’s impossible not to recognize yourself in the crowd of profiles put forward. And yes, it’s awfully enlightening.
Confronting at times, even. “What is good sex?” asks Vanessa Martin. Everyone wants good sex, but most people never stop to define it: what, exactly, is good sex for us? […] I hope readers will understand that these conversations are the key to experiencing the intimacy they have always dreamed of. »
Five things to remember
1 – The link between pleasure and desire
“It seems obvious, underlines Vanessa Marin, but we often forget it. If you don’t have fun in bed, there’s a good chance you’ll want it less (you won’t crave it)! »
2 – The importance of emotional intimacy
“People will be surprised that so much is said about emotional intimacy in a book about sexuality, and yet that’s the key. »
3 – To each his own style
Are you more playful or tender? Do you want us to take care of you or to rough you up a little? “It is so important to understand! No one is the same! »
4 – Intimacy or sexuality
“Some people need sex to feel connected, others need sex before they have sex,” adds Xander Marin. And very often, within a couple, these preferences are not granted. You still have to know it to understand it.
5- And you, what sexual type are you?
The authors distinguish 11 types: givers, enthusiasts, explorers, romantics, etc. “But you have to know what type you are to understand what you are looking for! “, resumes Vanessa Marin. Want to explore? Relax ? Connect ? To like ? It is fundamentally different. Think about it for a moment.
Sex Talks – Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life
Vanessa and Xander Marin
S&S/Simon Element
272 pages