Readers’ Corner | How to support your child suffering from addiction?

Twice a month, our journalist answers readers’ questions about health and well-being.

My eldest son, aged 25, has had an alcohol addiction problem for six or seven years. He wants to get out of it on his own; he has not yet “reached” the point of accepting treatment. But his problem has repercussions on the whole family, including his youngest brother, who has a normal and balanced adolescence, and in whose eyes we do not want to demonise alcohol either. How can we accompany the eldest – who is otherwise magnificent – ​​through this nightmare without losing ourselves?

– A reader who requested anonymity

Help for yourself

“When you’re a parent, you worry so much. It’s easy to get bogged down with your child…”

Anne Elizabeth Lapointe, general director of Maison Jean Lapointe, would offer this first piece of advice to parents who are going through this situation: take care of yourself first. There are organizations that offer support to loved ones, and they are very helpful, she says: “It helps you get out of isolation, shame, and guilt.”

Éloïse Rivoire, a psychosocial worker at Arborescence, an organization that supports the loved ones of people with mental health issues, agrees. When we help ourselves, we become stronger to help others. “And it shows your child that it’s okay to seek help,” she says.

We continue to worry, we continue to love our child, but we must learn to practice a little detachment, believes Anne Elizabeth Lapointe. Worrying all night will have no positive impact, neither on our child nor on ourselves.

Open the dialogue

Youth is associated with friends, loves, clubs, parties…What is “normal” and what is not? When should we be concerned?

When we notice a change in our child, our two speakers answer. He misses work or his grades drop, he goes out more or becomes avoidant, he adopts risky behaviors, sleeps less well… “We feel it when something is happening. I think that doesn’t lie,” says M^me Lapointe.

The idea is then to open a dialogue with him, at a time when he has not drunk. It is better to do it calmly, without making him feel guilty or lecturing him. Here is what we have noticed, here is what worries us.

And if the young person opens up, we can validate what they feel, their worries, their fears. “And we can tell them that if they want help, we are here to help them find it,” continues M.^me Ivory.

A person with a problem with alcohol can try to get out of it alone, of course, but a crutch is always helpful, emphasizes Anne Elizabeth Lapointe. “There are many other things to do before going to treatment, let’s be clear,” she says. “You can consult a psychologist, join support groups, undertake remote or external treatment, just reduce your consumption…” Drugs: help and referral can suggest services throughout Quebec, for both the young person and the parent, indicates M^me Lapointe.

Even if he closes the door to discussion, the young person will know that his parent’s door is open. Should we talk to him about it again later? Yes, says Anne Elizabeth Lapointe. Éloïse Rivoire nevertheless advises not to focus solely on the problem, because the young person risks feeling guilty and withdrawing into himself. “Maintaining pleasant moments with him helps maintain a connection,” she says.

Setting your limits

At Arborescence, parents of young people suffering from mental health issues (often accompanied by substance abuse) arrive “completely exhausted” because they have not established their limits.

When their child reaches the age where they will have the opportunity to consume alcohol, every parent would benefit from taking a position on alcohol, says Anne Elizabeth Lapointe. Do we prefer that children parties take place at home? Do we prefer our child not to drink when he goes out? “Afterwards, we must be able to defend and maintain our position,” she emphasizes.

If your teen or young adult has developed a problem, setting boundaries is also essential.

What do we consider unacceptable as parents? Texting? Visiting while intoxicated? “If we give ultimatums, we have to be able to stick to our guns, even if it hurts,” says Anne Elizabeth Lapointe, who agrees that parents have more leeway when their child still lives at home.

Should we give pocket money? In the eyes of Éloïse Rivoire, this decision is up to each parent. Anne Elizabeth Lapointe is more critical of the idea: “If you are always saving your child, no matter how old he is, you are always giving him good reasons to continue.”

The siblings

Our reader also mentions her fear of demonizing alcohol in front of her other 17-year-old son. Drinking alcohol does not mean sinking into addiction. In Quebec, 83% of young people aged 18 to 24 have drunk alcohol in the last year, while drug and alcohol addiction affects 3.8% of the Canadian population.

“We may not want to demonize alcohol, but a 17-year-old teenager should still be aware of what can await him,” says Anne Elizabeth Lapointe, who points out the genetic dimension of alcoholism. The daughter of two alcoholic parents, Anne Elizabeth Lapointe had this discussion with her son at the beginning of adolescence. She explained to him that, statistically, he should be aware of the family baggage and that it was in his best interest to delay the day he would taste alcohol as long as possible.

Eloise Rivoire also believes that it is necessary to open a dialogue with siblings. Children sense it when something happens with one of theirs.

“I strongly encourage having an honest conversation about what’s going on at home, in an age-appropriate way,” she advises. And finally, the parent is best placed to set an example with their own drinking.

To this worried mother, Anne Elizabeth Lapointe would like to give a message of hope. “The beauty is that he is only 25 years old. He still has his whole life ahead of him.”

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