Posted at 7:32
Identifying as non-binary and having no gender preference in her relationships, Laura Doyle-Péan, however, had difficulty imagining herself in the long term with a cisgender man. “It’s not the idea of being with a man that repelled me, but of being with a person who has a patriarchal attitude and who does not understand the questions of privilege and oppression”, explains Laura.
“With Zahur, I was amazed at first that it lasted, but we have a mutual understanding of power dynamics and a desire to deconstruct them. »
Her partner doesn’t feel like their non-traditional couple requires accommodation.
PHOTO PROVIDED BY ZAHUR ASHRAFUZZAMAN AND LAURA DOYLE-PÉAN
Zahur Ashrafuzzaman and Laura Doyle-Péan
“We had known each other for years before we got together. I already knew which pronouns to use. Since we speak mainly in English, it’s easier to find non-gendered terms than in French,” explains Zahur.
However, he questioned his sexual orientation.
I see myself as a heterosexual cisgender man since I am attracted to a non-binary person, a different gender from mine, he specifies. Other people say it makes me gay or queer. If so, I’m comfortable too.
Zahur Ashrafuzzaman
Couple in transition
Alexandre Bédard and Roxane Orsini also questioned their sexual orientation when Alexandre embarked on his gender transition. “We were originally a lesbian couple, but when we transitioned, I wondered if I was going to be straight,” recalls Alexandre.
“Roxane positioned herself as pansexual, and I realized that I too could be in love with a trans person, a cisgender man or woman, or a non-binary person. My vision of the couple was no longer the same. »
PHOTO PROVIDED BY ALEXANDRE BÉDARD AND ROXANE ORSINI
Roxane Orsini and Alexandre Bedard
Indeed, their union was influenced by the transition. “Every day, I had to mention that I no longer had a blonde, but that I was with the same person, explains Roxane. Since we had a child, some people have asked me what the father looked like and I tell them that it is Alexandre the father, even if he is not the donor. »
She also allowed herself to take Alexandre back when he used pronouns or feminine chords as before.
“At the beginning, when I was wrong, I feared what it implied about my identity. However, I had been talking about myself in the feminine for 30 years. The fact that Roxane was good at it made me feel valid. »
Alexander’s hormone intake also changed his hairiness, his smell, his skin, his style of dress, his food tastes and his emotions.
In the beginning, I was getting to know myself again. I was more egocentric, therefore less focused on my couple. Roxane had to accept that I was temporarily less present for her.
Alexandre Bedard
Their intimacy has changed. “As the body changes, the sensations are different,” he adds. I never touched myself the same way again. You had to be open enough to do things differently and name things. Even the “I love you” didn’t sound like they used to. “My voice had changed, so we adapted. When I cried in his arms, I didn’t recognize my voice. I felt like it was the neighbor who was sobbing. »
Roxane has always supported Alexandre. And don’t tell her she’s admirable. “When he told me of his desire to transit, I wondered if I was ready to embark and face prejudice. I did not stay by sacrifice, but because I am in love. Our couple works. »
Educate society
We can still argue that their couple is a model of openness. “We have a common desire to educate people without making them feel invalid in their ways of speaking,” says Roxane. I try to approach everything with humor. We’re very open to questions and we don’t want to get into arguments. »
That said, the duo must often let go in the presence of people who do not know their reality and the right terms.
If someone who doesn’t navigate LGBTQ+ communities uses a bad word, it might make me react internally, but I might not take it back to avoid them preventing themselves from asking more questions. to educate themselves.
Alexandre Bedard
On the side of Laura and Zahur, the dynamic with unknown people is more or less problematic. “I think it’s due to the fact that I wear clothes coded as feminine quite regularly,” says Laura. People who don’t know me refer to me as a cis woman. »
Thus, in public, their couple is perceived as heterosexual. “I’m not used to that yet. Especially since I have no patience for straight couples who express their affection in public without caring about the privilege of being able to do so without fear of reprisal like queer people. »
Alexandre, for his part, has called himself “sir” since the fourth month of his testosterone intake. So people don’t know he’s trans. “In cisnormative and heteronormative society, we don’t want to have to say that Alex is trans,” explains Roxane. But in LGBTQ+ communities, we want to put it forward to be validated. We are like between two chairs. »