Their names are Anaïs, William, Elliot, Elizabeth… They were still so young when their hearts stopped beating. Journalist Jessika Brazeau and psychologist Lory Zephyr tell their stories in Invisible mourning: rebuilding oneself after the loss of one’s child in the perinatal period. A book full of gentleness and compassion created to accompany families bereaved by the loss of a baby.
Posted at 4:00 p.m.
According to Lory Zephyr, perinatal bereavement remains “a big taboo” in Quebec, despite the fact that it affects a large number of parents. The dramas of these families have different names: stillbirth, neonatal death, sudden infant death syndrome, termination of pregnancy or even miscarriage.
“The loss of your child, regardless of the number of weeks of gestation, the context or the course, can be very painful and even, for many, traumatic”, write the two authors in the first pages of the book. The invisible mourningwhich includes advice and testimonials.
“These people need help, support, but there is almost none. The book comes with this in mind, to be able to offer a tool to parents,” says Lory Zephyr in an interview with The Presson the sidelines of the launch of the book.
Heartbreaking testimonies
As part of this project, Jessika Brazeau collected the moving stories of a dozen families, including that of Joannie Poirier. In 2020, 12 weeks pregnant, she learns that the heart of one of the twins she is carrying has stopped beating. Four weeks later, misfortune persists. After feeling severe pain in her stomach, the young mother gave birth prematurely to the second baby, William. “I gave birth and everyone was expecting a dead baby,” she says in the book. But, against all odds, William is alive. Even though they knew their son was doomed, Joannie and her spouse Dany were happy to be able to cuddle him and live his last moments with him.
For Joannie Poirier, it was important to talk about her perinatal grief. “I felt the need to talk about it from day 1,” she confides to The Press.
Everyone experiences it differently, but for me, it’s the only way I’ve found to make my baby exist.
Joannie Poirier
Like other bereaved couples, she and her spouse have also established a ritual to mark William’s “birthday”: a festive cake eaten with the family.
PHOTO SARAH MONGEAU-BIRKETT, THE PRESS
Lory Zephyr, psychologist
According to Lory Zephyr, this kind of ritual “helps to symbolize mourning”. “The ritual can be unique to everyone. Sometimes it’s just a minute of silence. Other times, we’ll sing a song. […] Being able to have a meditation around a symbol that is shared by the couple, by the family, it helps to find meaning, ”explains the psychologist.
When the guilt hits
Many women live with guilt after the loss of a baby, noticed Jessika Brazeau over her meetings. “A comment that came up a lot was that their body had failed. […] They were like, “I should have felt it. I should have known that.” »
Rather than being so judgmental, mothers should be kind to themselves, argues Lory Zephyr. “There is no ‘right way’ to grieve, but do it by giving yourself a little self-compassion, by not judging yourself, by being able to simply welcome the emotions that come to you” , advises the psychologist to bereaved women.
Fathers can also feel great suffering following the loss of a baby, even in early pregnancy, remind the authors, who also devote a chapter to them. “We wanted to tell them: ‘You too are going through something. It’s valid”, explains Lory Zephyr. Take the time to listen to what is happening. Try to remove yourself from the social pressure of the strong man who has no emotions. On the contrary, value and validate yourself in these feelings that you experience. »
It is also quite common that the two members of the couple do not experience their mourning in the same way or at the same speed, indicates the duo behind the platform It’s going mom.
The loss of a child is certainly a tragic moment, but there is also “a lot of love and a lot of sweetness” in each of the testimonies collected for the book. “Parents often told me: ‘It’s the best day of my life and the worst at the same time,'” says Jessika Brazeau.
“There is really something very bright [dans leurs récits], adds Lory Zephyr. I think it brings back a bit to the essence of the human. We are capable of being strong together, of being resilient. »
How to help a bereaved friend?
A friend just lost a baby? What should we do or say? “My advice would be to listen to him. The parent knows what he needs. Sometimes I just need you to come sit next to me and not talk. Sometimes I need you to take my mind off it, whatever. But you have to ask the parent, ”answers Lory Zephyr.
Invisible mourning: rebuilding oneself after the loss of one’s child in the perinatal period
Jessika Brazeau and Lory Zephyr
Editions de l’Homme
208 pages