You think you know your partner like the back of your hand. You know his hopes and dreams, his favorite foods and movies. After so many years together, you can practically read each other’s minds… Except when it comes to money.
Financial infidelity is very common among couples, and it wreaks havoc on relationships. According to a new Bankrate survey, more than four in ten American adults in couples admit to keeping a financial secret from their partner.
Of these couples, 28% say hiding financial information from their partner is as serious as physical infidelity, and 7% say it’s even worse.
So, what is financial infidelity and how can you avoid it with your partner?
What is financial infidelity?
Financial infidelity occurs when a couple lies to each other about money. This type of infidelity can present itself in different forms.
This could be a partner who makes secret purchases, accumulates debt, or engages in financial deception.
One partner may also open secret credit cards, keep side accounts, lie about purchases, refuse to discuss their finances, or engage in other questionable financial behaviors without the other’s knowledge.
Even if a couple has not pooled their finances, lying about their level of debt, or hiding certain major expenses can constitute a form of financial infidelity.
The most common forms
According to the same Bankrate survey, the most common forms of financial infidelity include spending more than the partner would accept (30%) and accumulating debt without the partner’s knowledge (23%).
Here are the other main financial infidelities:
-A secret savings account (19%)
-A secret credit card (18%)
-A secret current account (17%)
Although financial infidelity occurs in different age groups, younger couples have a greater propensity to keep money secrets.
The same survey found that 67% of Gen Zers and 57% of millennials say they have kept at least one financial secret from their partner.
In comparison, only 34% of Gen Xers and 33% of Baby Boomers report financial infidelity.
The study also indicates that the lower the household income, the more frequent financial infidelity is.
Nearly half of people whose household income is less than $50,000 reported financial infidelity, compared to 34% of those whose household income is greater than or equal to $100,000.
Why do people cheat financially?
Financial infidelity can be due to several reasons.
“People may hide financial information out of fear of judgment or conflict, shame about their spending habits or debt, or a desire for control or independence in the relationship,” says Taylor Kovar, certified financial planner.
More than a third (37%) of people who have hidden financial information from their partner admit they want to maintain their privacy and control their finances.
One in three people cite a lack of communication (the subject of money has simply never been discussed).
Additionally, 28% of those surveyed said they were embarrassed by the way they managed their money, so they kept it a secret.
People who secretly get into debt or lie about money often feel ashamed, guilty, and anxious.
Money secrets harm the couple
For many, financial infidelity is as serious as physical infidelity. Lying and deception can undermine the trust and transparency on which a relationship is built.
Since money affects almost every aspect of our lives, cheating on money can impact a couple’s plans.
“Financial infidelity can seriously damage trust, which is the cornerstone of any relationship,” Taylor Kovar, a certified financial planner, tells the New York Post.
“It can lead to feelings of betrayal, hurt and a breakdown in communication. The financial repercussions can also be significant, with a potential impact on the couple’s credit score, savings and overall financial stability.
Another survey found that 38% of couples say financial problems are the cause of their divorce.
How to deal with money secrets
The best way to deal with financial infidelity is to talk about it openly.
“It is possible to repair the relationship, but it will take a lot of work,” Regina McCann Hess, a certified divorce financial analyst, told the New York Post.
“Both sides must agree on ground rules moving forward and commit to taking the necessary steps to heal. One or both parties may need to meet with a therapist to get to the root of the problem,” she advises.
Here are other tips for dealing with financial infidelity:
-Talk as soon as possible
-Present facts and not accusations
-Put everything out in the open: amounts, accounts, debts
-Express how you feel about this infidelity
-Demand financial transparency for the future
-Seek neutral financial advice together
-Reinforce financial transparency within a couple
Whether you’re a new couple or have been together for many years, there are ways to establish or reestablish financial transparency.
“A good way to build financial transparency into a relationship is to hold monthly or quarterly meetings to review the family’s finances,” says Hess.
“It’s a financial statement. To make exercise less stressful, I suggest going to breakfast on a Saturday morning, then coming home and having a conversation around the kitchen table,” she suggests.
Review your bank statements, investments, retirement accounts, etc. According to Ms. Hess, by doing this together, both partners feel included and participate in conversations. This is also a good time to talk about financial goals.