Mental load: who is right?

I was having dinner with colleagues when one of them displayed a humility that stunned me. He admitted to us that he always believed he was a chum modern who carried out half of the family tasks… But there, his girlfriend had just bought a pack of cards which plunged him into serious questioning.

Since I love sweet vulnerability and am discreet by nature, I started clapping and shouting, “I want to know everything!” » My colleague then told me about a real phenomenon created by the American Eve Rodsky.

A Harvard law graduate specializing in organizational management, Eve Rodsky worked while carrying out the majority of domestic tasks essential to the well-being of her family. Exhausted, she made a list of all the invisible work she was doing and sent it to her husband… Who unfortunately did not take offense. Eve therefore said to herself that she had to find a way to encourage him to action (I for one would have said to myself that it was time to find another partner, but I have never been recognized for my patience).

Eve Rodsky met with more than 500 people around the world to identify what needs to be done to keep a household running smoothly and, more importantly, how to carry out these tasks effectively. In 2019, she created a plan for equitable sharing of responsibilities. His book, Fair Playquickly sold more than 250,000 copies and the following year, the card game of the same name could be purchased.

It was this game that improved things for my colleague. He explained to me that he now realized to what extent his girlfriend had long dealt with the most alienating aspects of everyday life.

The realization had been bitter at the time, but the process had proven beneficial.

I immediately bought the card game (I would like to point out right away that it is in English, but as it involves basic words with illustrations, I consider it accessible to the majority of French speakers).

Frankly, I expected to sit down with my partner to assess who was doing what and for the top pile to generate revolutionary guilt… Except no. To my great surprise, the 102 cards are more there for us to establish what activities are important to us, then who will take care of them in the coming week. It’s not so much a question of knowing who’s doing what at the moment, but rather of planning the rest of a life together… A less cathartic approach, but probably more lasting than the one I imagined.

Concretely, it’s about sitting down alone when you have a free hour and are in a happy mood. We then have to sort the cards and put those that have meaning for us in the same deck (for example, no need for the 40 cards relating to child care, in my case). All that remains is to draw each card from the deck to discuss it…

Who will take responsibility for “designing, planning and executing” the activities for the coming weekend; morning routine; buying gifts for the holidays; insurance renewal; renovations; housekeeping, etc. ?

The choice is made according to the “preferences, capacities and availability” of each person. The objective is not to have the same number of cards at the end of the game, but rather to know precisely who will do what in the days to come. With peace of mind comes the space needed to flourish, believes Eve Rodsky.

If I don’t think about planning or executing meals for a week, I can actually practice my Italian, go for a run, take a nap, or see friends. Moreover, the card game includes not only tasks relating to family life, but also activities that promote connection and well-being, even spirituality. The goal is not just to “manage”, but to live better.

After a week, we can shuffle the cards again or make adjustments. Through the band, we learn… Whether it is to develop new skills or to recognize the invisible role that our partner played in the family balance.

Now, should we need a deck of cards to fairly share the tasks that keep a household going? Obviously not, but considering that “most research indicates that women continue to shoulder the majority of housework and child care work”, according to a report published by Statistics Canada in 2021, I am ready to all the proposals to restore a certain balance.

Should we need a deck of cards to be believed when we say we’re doing too much and we’re out of breath? Obviously not, but if it can drive some people to the wall, it will be a win.

Should we have to pay around thirty dollars to separate tasks more fairly? Neither. I would therefore like to point out that a frank conversation can result from a list that you have designed yourself, without spending a penny. I would be curious to know who, however, added the creation of said list to their mental load… (I put $10 on the woman, if we are talking about a heterosexual couple.)

In short, what I applauded during this dinner between colleagues was not a game of cards, but the openness of a person ready to review her preconceptions to better ensure the well-being of the people she love. And this, notwithstanding the standards that color the culture in which we have evolved for too long.

I applaud those who agree to change in this world which demands and requires upheaval.

(And I promise to learn how to deal with a flat tire soon, my love.)