Maternal regret | “If I had to do it over again, I wouldn’t have children”

Astrid Hurault de Ligny does not regret having a son, whom she loves more than anything, but she regrets her role as mother and all that that implies. And if it had to be done again, she wouldn’t have children. She publishes Maternal regret, in which she explains all the reasons, personal and societal, for this regret. We met her.

Astrid Hurault de Ligny, 36, knows it’s a taboo subject. But how can you say you regret being a mother? “I know it’s hard to understand, but what I regret is this role of mother, a thankless role, too heavy to bear, which is not made for me, a bit like a bad casta job I can’t quit, because if I was offered a new life, it would be childless,” she says, without hesitation.

However, she had always imagined herself with children. Of French origin, Astrid Hurault de Ligny has lived in Montreal since 2008. She met her husband there at the end of 2012 and gave birth to their son in 2018, a child desired by the couple.

She knew it would be difficult, but hadn’t imagined that it was going to stir up the pain linked to her childhood, her frustrations, but also the mental burden, the sacrifices, the gift of self, the lack of support, her tenfold anxiety, lack of freedom and self-confidence and a certain renunciation.

But what did you expect?

“I know people say to themselves: but what did you expect? I knew it would be difficult, but it brought back so many wounds from the past. It’s hard to project yourself into all that motherhood entails, because it’s a leap into the void. As long as you’re not a parent, you don’t realize the magnitude of the task, the way you’re going to feel, no matter how much you imagine it, it never happens the way you thought it would.” , she says. Beyond the exhaustion of the first months when breastfeeding was very difficult, she does not recognize herself in this mother that she has become. She isolates herself, she finds it difficult to exist in this new role where everything is organization, management, forecasting. Where the pressure to be an irreproachable mother is invasive, where there are still too great inequalities in the distribution of household tasks within the couple and where the mental load weighs too heavily on her shoulders.

This maternal regret did not come suddenly, she did not wake up one morning deciding that she regretted being a mother. She started to feel it during her postpartum depression, then the pandemic arrived, she lost her job, and the confinement was very badly experienced. Exhausted, she then started therapy.

“I discovered the book by sociologist Orna Donath The regret of being a mother, I felt concerned, that’s really how I felt. It was not my depression, it had been treated, but I felt that I did not belong and that I did not like this role of mother that I regretted, and that is where I have it talked to my husband,” she explains. He had a whole process to integrate to understand. We are in couples therapy, it helps us a lot, he encouraged me to write this book. »

Relieve guilt

In 2020, Astrid created the Instagram account @le_regret_maternel and exchanged with other mothers who experience the same regret. “This page helped me to feel guilty, to speak openly about this taboo subject and to accept my regret. Being able to discuss it with other mothers, without shame, in kindness, is extraordinary, as is the writing of this book which has been therapeutic”, she says.

“Many mothers tell me that if it weren’t for all this mental burden, they wouldn’t regret it, but they constantly feel judged, criticized in this role of sacred mother. There are the injunctions: “Are you only breastfeeding for six months? Are you really going back to work after six months? Don’t you make your homemade purees? We want to do so well that we get lost in it, and we set the bar too high, ”laments the author.

How to live with this regret? First, Astrid Hurault de Ligny wishes to repeat that this regret concerns her, and not her son. “He is not at fault, he did not ask for anything. It is possible to live well with this regret, it can fade, but it is a long work on oneself. It’s better, I’ve been in therapy for three years [et en thérapie de couple depuis un an], I am supported by my husband, my friends, my psychotherapist who does not judge me, my community on Instagram, I am well surrounded. I take time for myself. My son is growing up, he is 4 and a half years old, he is gaining autonomy, it makes everyday life a little easier,” she says.

Will she tell him about this regret? “Yes, I’m not going to lie to him, because there is this book, but it is much too small. I’ll talk to him about it later, I think it’s all in the way you talk to him about it, in the choice of words, and again, it’s not him that I miss, but my role as a mother and all that that implies. »

Maternal regret

Astrid Hurault de Ligny

Editions Larousse

304 pages

The opinion of the psychologist

To better understand maternal regret, we asked a few questions to Lory Zephyr, a psychologist specializing in perinatality and maternal mental health. Interview.

Maternal regret is a very delicate, even taboo subject.

It’s hard to hear, but in our society, we should be more open and understand the reality of parents. How do we support mothers? The parents ? Are they happy in their parenthood or, on the contrary, do they need help? I see a lot of mothers in consultation who think that being a good mother means cooking all the meals at home, depriving themselves of outings, sacrificing themselves all the time, they don’t have other models of mothers who flourish, who see their friends and who continue their activities.

Should we distinguish between maternal regret and love for her children?

One can regret being a mother, while loving one’s children. This contradiction is difficult to accept, but fundamentally, becoming a parent comes with this ambivalence. I can love my child, but all the burden that comes with this role is something else, and it’s not because I rub shoulders with my nephews and nieces that I know what it is to be a mother. There are so many unknowns around motherhood. Parents do not know how they will react to the lack of sleep, the crying, the lack of freedom, the sacrifices associated with their parenthood. This is where we will begin to develop a feeling of regret. We will prefer our life before, our pleasures, our freedom, and we don’t like what we have become. We have trouble with this new role of mother, but it is too late.

Should we better support mothers and parents?

When a baby does not sleep well, cries a lot, is difficult to console, the feeling of parental competence is undermined. This is where regret can be felt. It is multifactorial, there are many parents who start parenthood with all kinds of social and economic difficulties, problems with the development of the baby, allergies, we are tired, there is nothing positive… There are socio-demographic factors, such as being away from the family, not having a support network or respite, which weigh down parenthood. When you are a grandparent, friend, neighbour, uncle and aunt, then you can support new parents, it’s important.

Is the role of mother still too sacred, idealized? A role where happiness hovers at all times?

In our society, we have this strong and unshakeable image that motherhood is only a positive experience, that it is only happiness, so that leaves little room for anything else. Maternity is also fatigue, milk flowing from the breasts, doubts, breastfeeding which can be difficult. There are mothers who are isolated and who think that they are alone in experiencing difficulties. On social networks, motherhood is idealized, we do crafts, we pick apples, but this is not the reality.

Do we tend to underestimate the complex transition that is motherhood?

These are bodily, identity, social changes that we have to face, changes within the couple that are also complex. Matrescence is when we integrate a new role into our identity, that of motherhood. There is a baby born, but it is also the birth of a mother who is learning. She will make mistakes, that’s normal, but mothers don’t see themselves like that, they have the perception that as soon as they leave the hospital, they should know everything and master everything, and what a shock! That’s not motherhood! We are confronted in our roles to learn, and we have to adjust, observe, understand. Motherhood also has this psychological effect that makes us reflect on our own parents, it confronts us and we experience anger, frustration, sadness, discouragement. The transition to parenthood isn’t easy, it doesn’t have to be difficult, but it can be complex.

Should we question ourselves more about the desire for a child?

There are more and more models of women and men who don’t have children and who live it very well. We live in very pro-natalist Western societies, we value family and children, but we can choose not to have any and assume it, whereas before it was very badly seen. We still have work to do, above all we must not put pressure on young people, because we still do it for women with questions like: when are the children due? And this is where there can be regrets.

Should we talk about maternal regret to our child?

If our child, teenager or young adult has questions about parenthood, if he wonders about the desire to have children, it can be a good time to discuss it, but with some nuance. He must understand the difference between the regret of being a mother and the love we have for our child. We can explain to her that we find the role of mother difficult, that the transition has been difficult for various reasons, including the mental load, the lack of support. We would do well in our society to talk about this difficult transition when you become a mother, to prevent mothers from judging and blaming themselves.

And paternal regret?

Yes, there can be paternal regret. I’ll be honest, I get far fewer fathers in my clinic who come to my clinic for advice about parenting. There are fathers who find it difficult, of course. I do a lot of couples therapy and fathers feel helpless and guilty because they go to work and see their wives who are tired after childbirth. Fathers feel propelled into parenthood, and also lose their freedom. They might experience some regret. There are also changes for fathers, on the identity, social and physical level, there is in particular the couvade syndrome, it is when future fathers gain weight during pregnancy, we talk about it less, it is true, but maybe there is something to explore.