Life at work | The art of saying “no” to avoid burnout

Out of a desire to please, a lack of confidence, or for some other reason, some people are afraid to say no to work. If their boss or colleagues become aware of the breach, these employees often find themselves buried in additional tasks… and risk paying the price.

That’s what happened to Cindy*, an administrative assistant in the manufacturing sector.

Overwhelmed after a wave of cuts in the SME where she had recently worked, she did not dare refuse her bosses’ requests. She accumulated delays, missed a few commitments, worked night and day to close the loop, then… she cracked.

“I was on sick leave for four months due to exhaustion,” confides the 40-year-old Montrealer, who is changing careers. “In hindsight, I realize that I lacked the confidence to assert myself and refuse the surplus. Instead, I took it and withdrew into myself.”

Wanting to please

In many areas of life, including work, saying no is a learning process, confirms Nicolas Chevrier, an occupational psychologist. One of the main reasons is the fear of the other person’s reaction — and this desire to please.

“Some people have a strong need to control the image that others have of them,” he says. “This control gives them the illusion that a catastrophe, such as being fired or left, can be avoided. Unfortunately, this fear puts them in the opposite position, because it prevents them from having an accurate picture of the situation.”

So, in a workplace, a manager will not understand the reality of an employee’s work overload if the employee always agrees to his requests. Always saying yes distorts the situation… and harms the worker in the medium or long term.

Disapproval and guilt

According to Julie Carignan, organizational psychologist and certified human resources consultant at Humance, there are three main reasons why we are not always very good at saying no.

First, conditioning comes into play. She points out that human beings are trained to say yes from a very young age, to accept requests from people in positions of authority, whether they are parents or teachers.

Then, the desire to be recognized pushes one to accept requests. The feeling of seeking approval is strong in every individual, recalls M.^me Carignan. “We don’t want to erode the relationship or generate frustration,” the expert emphasizes.

And finally, saying no could lead to feelings of guilt. “It’s as if we still have the perception that saying no is admitting to being incapable, showing ourselves to be weak, vulnerable. We don’t want to be seen as someone who does the minimum,” says Julie Carignan.

Emotional response

To get out of this mania, which can become a dead end, we must dare to tell the truth, says M.^me Carignan — and say no.

Besides the psychological and physical impacts of not setting boundaries, other risks include being unable to fulfill commitments made later, going outside one’s scope of expertise, or doing something unfair, unethical, or even illegal.

Psychologist Nicolas Chevrier says that there is often confusion among workers between an emotional response and a realistic response when it comes time to accept or refuse a request.

“The first is based on what you feel,” he notes, “while the second is based on an objective assessment of the resources in place. The person who receives a refusal could experience disappointment or frustration – and this is a normal emotion at work and in life in general!”

One of the keys is to be able to trust yourself, to step back and not take the situation personally. Because after all, “no one is obliged to do the impossible”, as the saying goes.

^* Cindy testified on condition of anonymity, fearing reprisals or judgment from her former employer and former colleagues.