You explain in your book that at the basis of the parent-child relationship, there must be a secure attachment bond. How do you establish this connection at a young age and does it become too late to do so later?
In fact, it’s never too late. This bond of attachment develops with the consistency of the responses of the person who most often provides care for the child. The attachment bond will be established when the baby gradually realizes that “when I cry, someone comes; when I’m hungry, someone gives me something to eat.” We establish routines; this regularity, but above all this predictability, ensures that the child, suddenly, develops the feeling of his existence, of his importance, of the fact that we take care of him, that we touch him, that we allows him to feel his body. All these interactions will allow it, when adapted, to become secure. […] Proximity and distance are well balanced in the reassuring style, where the parent sometimes knows how to let the child explore his environment, sometimes take him in his arms, give him a hug, just long enough to bring him back to his inner security before he sets out again to conquer the world.
PHOTO RON NORRISH, PROVIDED BY THE PUBLISHER
Psychologist and mediator Marc Pistorio
You discuss different parenting styles – assertive parenting, free rangehelicopter… Which should be preferred?
I didn’t want to write this book to write yet another book on parenting and say: this is how it should be done. There are approaches that are more authoritarian, others that say you have to be positive, etc. And that troubles parents, especially with access, now, to all kinds of information on the Internet, to conferences, to books… I say to parents: as a parent, what that I would like ? Give me the facts. Tell me: if you do a certain number of things, you will be able to find your own formula – not Doctor Above all, I wanted to give information that tells parents: if you identify your attachment style, it’s interesting because you will be able to know in advance that certain issues are likely to arise and, straight away, start to work possibly or modify things. If you identify your position in relation to authority, what values you want to convey, how you feel about emotions, about setting limits […], once you consider all these elements and answer them, it already draws the line of a certain model. The message I want to convey is this: don’t try to buy into something that is well presented, that you find interesting, but that may not be for you. And become your child’s caring observer.
How does tailor-made parenting work?
Look at the child; who is he ? Why impose a lot of restrictions on a child who, for example, is fairly independent, functions well, does not abuse screens or does not put himself in danger? On the other hand, maybe her sister is a little wilder and plays with the limits. And that’s why I say: personalize approaches, personalize parenting and parenting models. In the same siblings, there should be several parental models. I had two sisters and my parents were very proud to say: we do the same with everyone. And it took me a while to realize that I shouldn’t have done exactly the same because I had a sister who was much more of a go-getter, rebellious, who wanted to live all kinds of experiences and another who was super reasonable, very good at school, super independent. It created huge conflicts because my parents couldn’t adapt. In my office, this is what I see repeatedly: parents who say “we don’t understand; with him, it works, with the other, it doesn’t work.” When parents begin to question pre-established patterns and begin to adjust, they feel much more competent and, above all, less guilty.
Marc Pistorio will be in Montreal for two conferences on romantic attachment as well as tailor-made parenting, on September 27 and October 4 at the Gesù.
Secure parent, secure child
Editorial
280 pages