Interview | Let the boys cry and be scared

Are we giving boys the chance to express everything they feel? In his new book Anger, fear and joy: supporting my boy in his emotions, doctor in psychopedagogy and professor Marie-Claire Sancho guides parents in the emotional development of their child with a wealth of practical advice and examples taken from everyday life. We asked him a few questions.

Laila Maalouf
The Press

Do we still tend to minimize the importance of emotions in boys?

Oh yes ! I observed it at school, while preparing my thesis [de doctorat en psychopédagogie]. The teachers I filmed reacted more negatively to the emotions of boys than girls — whether positive or negative. We use distractions, we ignore them, we pay little attention to their emotions since they are very young. I had a clip of a little girl coming to the teacher with a stomach ache; five minutes later, he was a little guy, and the teacher’s reaction was not the same! […] Men are brought up by being told to hide their emotions; the only emotion that is possible is anger, because it is not an emotion of vulnerability. And what we will often see in boys is that when they are sad, they will be angry.

You write that one of the reasons for adopting a male angle in the book is the “huge gap” between girls and boys in terms of emotional skills. What explains this difference?

There are two dimensions to emotional competence: how one interacts with others and how one calms one’s own emotions. [Selon une étude], at 4 years old, that of girls was already significantly better than that of boys. The boys experience the same emotions, but they don’t understand them. And they do not express them appropriately because they have been implicitly sent the message that they have no right to these emotions – whether they are parents, educators, teachers, coaches… our boys understand that they are going to have to put on a shell, because of social expectations; at some point, they won’t be able to cry anymore, show their fear… they’re going to have to be tough. It’s still feminine to be emotional, as if society hadn’t made that turn yet.

Why is it so important to promote a healthy management of emotions?

We do not give emotional competence the place it should have, when we know how essential this variable is for a person to be well. How come boys kill themselves five times more when girls have more suicidal thoughts? Because they talk about it, because they have been taught to seek help. But when you teach a little boy: “Be independent, be brave, you’re strong, you’re capable”, it doesn’t just sow the idea that if one day he lives in fear or distress, will he keep it for himself? The men who do feminicide, basically, they were little babies who were socialized and they find themselves paralyzed, stuck, blocked in their emotions.

Are there any possible solutions?

I would see classes at school, half an hour a week of emotional management throughout primary and secondary school — presenting cases, doing scenarios… We have forgotten what is most important for the development of the child: what will make him succeed later, that he will have healthy interpersonal relationships, promotions, is emotional management. We need to make teachers aware, but also present boys with role models who are emotionally skilled — not always the boy or the man who is uncomfortable with his emotions, who speaks less… What are the implicit values ​​that we bequeath to our little boys? Are we really in a society that values ​​the emotional man who speaks, who is in pain, who is afraid? Looks like we’re not ready to let our boys experience their emotions properly yet. I have the idea of ​​“we do it for our daughters”. We taught our girls to assert themselves, we broke down boundaries, but we forgot that boys too are treated differently and suffer the consequences. At least, in our discourse, that has changed; before, we were not interested in these subjects.

Anger, fear and joy — Supporting my son in his emotions

D^D Marie-Claire Sancho

Fides

156 pages