While the government insists on the responsibility of parents in working-class neighborhoods since Nahel’s death, the Hérault structure prefers to adopt a posture that does not make families feel guilty.
By giving birth to her first child in 2017, Aïcha became a parent. She quickly fumbled with her new responsibilities. The ewant to do well, the fear of not making it. Aïcha quickly feels “lost”. “It sent me back to my own wounds,” testifies the young woman of 37 years, whose azure blue veil matches the patterns of her dress. She sees some of her faults coming to light, too. “Maniacal”, according to her, she tries not to overreact when his children “put crumbs on the couch”. Aïcha understands that being a parent is something you learn. Whether you like it or not. In recent months, the government has regularly raised the issue of parental authority. Particularly since the death of Nahel in Nanterre on June 27 and the urban riots that followed.
A few months ago, Aïcha discovered the existence of the School of Parents and Educators (EPE) of Hérault, a parenting support association nestled in the CAF social center l’Ile aux Familles, in the Mosson district, in Montpellier (Hérault). Since then, she has participated every week in the “Parents break” workshop, a sort of coffee meeting with other mothers from this priority area of the city..
Tuesday June 18, there are three of them with Aïcha, sitting cross-legged on a carpet, discussing their daily problems. There is also Virginie Kersaudy, family psychotherapist, responsible for supervising the sessions. The facilitator notices that certain discussions arise more often: the relationship withschool (how to get involved as a parent?), to punishment (when and how to say “no”?), but also the apprehension of “bad company”. “With the drug phenomenon at the bottom of the buildings, they often fear that their boys will be taken in by the older ones. For their daughters, on the other hand, they hope that they will be free, that they will be able to sit at a café table in peace”, relates Virginie. Today, the debate is more about the distribution of family tasks. Because if Aïcha and those around her are married, they sometimes feel alone. The presence of men at “Parents pause” is also rare.
“People think you don’t work, but being a mother is a job from morning to night.
– It’s true, we do a lot of things, but you can’t see it!
– We are cooks, taxi drivers, nurses… When my children cry, they don’t call daddy.”
Khadyja sighs, fiddles with her silver bracelets. Her husband? “He is there without being there.” He works, she is a stay-at-home mother. They have four children, between 3 and 10 years old. “Sometimes he helps out. With the laundry and stuff, he helps,” concedes the thirty-year-old. She straightens her big glasses with gold frames. “Parents pause” is, for Khadyja, an outlet: “We free ourselves, we cry, we laugh. It feels good because there are no taboos.”
In addition to group discussions, the association offers, among other things, individual listening sessions. Selma De Wit, a psychologist, provides this type of consultation. In her office, soft toys for children sit alongside a box of tissues for adults. “Those who come are often destitute, isolated with their problems. The goal is for them to feel supported and to find their resources again.”explains the EPE professional for a year and a half.
“Every parent remains the expert on their child.”
Selma De Wit, psychologist from the School of Parents and Educatorsto franceinfo
It’s 3:30 p.m. when Hend – pronounced “Hind” – walks through the door. Her hair unruly around her face, she places her hat on the table. “I don’t know if I’m going to answer well.”, she says first. But quickly, the thirty-year-old recounts: her studies in educational sciences, her pregnancy, her 14-month-old daughter, and then, “sleepless nights”. This is her third session with Selma de Wit. “At the beginning, we come in distress. This help is not a luxury, we come here because it relieves us”, attests Hend. Around her, the young mother claims to have “talked a lot” of the EPE. Generally speaking, “We are lucky, at La Mosson, to have associations that do things for us and our children”she judges.
Her husband “earns a little more than the minimum wage.” She would like to find a job. They currently live in social housing. Hend is not complaining, on the contrary, it is a T3, clean and functional. On the part of the State, however, she would like the job “of mother” be better considered. According to her, this involves extended maternity leave. In the space of 10 weeks (for postnatal leave), “We barely have time to understand how our child works”, she slips. As announced at the beginning of May, Emmanuel Macron however wants to put in place, by August 2025, a three-month birth leave, which will be added to maternity leave.
To this was added the mention of more repressive measures on the part of the executive. In December, the Minister of Solidarity and Families, Aurore Bergé, announced the establishment of works of general interest for “failing parents”In April, Prime Minister Gabriel Attal said he was in favour of parents signing a“a contract of rights and obligations” every year. In case of “drift from their child”, they may be sanctioned.
However, the reality of what is happening in families in working-class neighbourhoods is more complex than simple laxity, argues Selma De Wit. “It’s hard to be a good parent because the daily worries are multiplied.notes the psychologist. Here, families may have concerns about how to make ends meet. There are also many housing issues, such as poor sanitation, lack of space and difficulties with the neighbourhood.” According to INSEE in 2018, more than half of the inhabitants of Mosson lived below the poverty line. Selma De Wit adds that domestic violence is frequently addressed at the EPE, and “are possibly exacerbated by socio-economic difficulties, although this scourge affects all environments.”
For Virginie Kersaudy, the parenthood of some of her patients is even “prevented. They are not resigned parents, they are doing the best they can!”she exclaims.
“There are parents who don’t know how to play with their children because we’ve never played with them.”
Virginie Kersaudy, family psychotherapistto franceinfo
For Blandine Sagot, director of the Hérault EPE, brandishing the threat of sanctions is therefore not the right way to go. “The more we point to parents as the sole cause of teenagers’ problems, the more we stigmatize them and lock them into it.”, suggests the manager. According to her, there are concrete and material responses to provide to parents and their children. She particularly welcomes the “colo pass” launched in April, this financial aid from the State so that 11-year-olds can leave this summer.
In the lobby of the social center, Malika comes out of a meeting with an advisor from the Information Center on the Rights of Women and Families (CIDFF). A structure which, in a more indirect way than the EPE, helps them to exercise their parenthood in good conditions. This forty-year-old lives alone with her four children. Her husband slammed the door of the house in February. “He doesn’t pay anything anymore, neither rent nor electricity.” Every month, she ensures that she survives on RSA, family allowances and 300 euros in alimony. But Malika does not let herself be defeated. “I am a fighter”assures the mother.
She will soon realize her dream of becoming a hairdresser, initially helped by the CIDFF to find an internship. Then, she imagines the rest: “I plan to move in at home to ensure that I can keep all of my disabled son’s appointments as best I can.”. Twice a week, she goes to the speech therapist. Once a week, with the psychomotor therapist. While these journeys take her at least two hours round trip by transport, Malika is also accompanied to obtain her driving license. His second dream? Buy a Clio. “It’s easy to drive, it’s small and doesn’t take up much space”. In this new life as a single mother, she hopes to make her daily life easier, but especially that of her children.
To help single-parent families, which concern women in 83% of cases, the President of the Republic also declared at the beginning of May that he wanted to forcefully involve absent fathers, in particular with a “duty to visit”. But several associations and elected officials have shown themselves to be sceptical. They warn that some absent fathers are “violent”They say they should be forced to undergo therapy and pay alimony.