Posted at 11:00 a.m.
Q. What we understand from reading your book is that our temperament is of genetic and hereditary origin and that we cannot really change it?
R. We are governed by our temperament and our intelligence, which are factors inherited at birth. The personality is crystallized at 30, so we have to be realistic when asking our partner for changes. People ignore the personality, temperament and attachment that influence our life, but cannot be changed. What is fundamental is to have knowledge of oneself and of the other in order to have realistic expectations. Rarely do we ask ourselves the question: but who is the other? Are my expectations legitimate? So many people have unrealistic expectations of their partners. Temperament, be it perseverance, concentration, mood, reactions, adaptability, these are innate factors. You put 10 children around a table with a bag of candies, some will eat them until they get sick while others have the ability to delay the satisfaction of their needs, they are less impulsive . These are characteristics that change very little during our lifetime.
PHOTO FRANÇOIS COUTURE, PROVIDED BY EDITIONS DE L’HOMME
François St Père, psychologist specializing in couple therapy and lecturer
Q. So there are people who are easier to live with than others, but they have nothing to do with it?
R. Life is fair and unfair sometimes because we are born with many characteristics. Intelligence, for example, which is this ability to understand, to make connections. There are personalities who are very conscientious, who are reliable and responsible, that helps in life, of course. A more sanguine personality, which will be less analytical and nuanced, makes for colorful and entertaining people, but perhaps more difficult to live with, with more impulsiveness and reactivity, less equipped to relate to others and as a couple.
Q. In 80% of cases, it is misunderstanding of individual differences that is at the root of conflicts and separations?
R. We are all exposed to individual differences, it’s part of life as a couple. Over time, we will be irritated by the behavior of the other, which creates conflict, but we must learn to deal with these differences in a constructive way. Learn to name the emotional reactions we experience when our partner says hurtful words. Because repeated conflicts and negative interactions will wear down people and their relationships. Couples come out of negative interactions frustrated, sad, disappointed, rarely appeased.
Q. Attachment also varies from person to person.
R. It is fundamental. Attachment conditions so many behaviors within a couple. Attachment is not genetically inherited, but we are a bit of a victim of it in life because attachment comes from the bond we created with our parents. If they have neglected us in a significant way, we risk developing a detached attachment, which means that we do not trust others, that we are suspicious of them, and with this belief, we contaminate the whole relationship. , we protect ourselves, we reveal ourselves less, we are less generous. Whereas someone who grew up feeling loved will develop a confidence that will stay with them for life.
Q. We say to ourselves that your book serves as a survival manual for better understanding the other and for the couple to last!
R. I dream of a curriculum that would be taught at the end of high school of everything in this book (and more) so that people can truly know who they are and understand individual differences. How a relationship works, understand the obstacles, the wounds, what to do to last over time. Our childhood, our personality, our temperament, our emotional reactions have an effect on our relationship. It is very useful to know how to deal with differences, to show more empathy and compassion. There is a cruel lack of fundamental knowledge to be able to be well together in the longer term.
Q. We all aspire to live a harmonious couple relationship, a relationship that makes us happy?
R. What is most essential in life is the relationship we have with others. This is what brings the most happiness. As a couple, it is the closest relationship that we can develop, to feel appreciated, important, to know that this person will be with us in difficult times and that he will contribute to our development. The vast majority of people aspire to this form of relationship, but people are very demanding and are not ready to make compromises and sacrifices. Many choose not to live with their partner to avoid negotiating differences. The couple relationship meets so many needs, but it is clear that 50% of people do not succeed and separate. Life together is a happy mixture of tolerance and acceptance and small changes in a balance that is fragile, and when people get there, they say they are relatively happy and satisfied.
In love and happy despite our differences
François St Père with the collaboration of France Duval
Editions de L’Homme
176 pages