“We are not made to live alone, but the whole system is made to make living together complicated,” writes Karine Côté-Andreetti, in the introduction to Home portsher first essay which she chose to devote to friendship, a subject which had haunted her for a long time, like this feeling of solitude which she was afraid to name and explore.
“I was experiencing dissatisfaction with my friendships,” confides in an interview the woman who is a journalist and college teacher. It wasn’t necessarily because I didn’t have friends or people around me, but friendship wasn’t unfolding in my life the way I wanted. » It was when she started talking about it to those around her that she realized that she was not alone in this solitude. “There was a kind of shared solitude, but it was very joking, as if we were resigned. It’s like that, when you’re an adult, you have lots of things going on: life, career, family, and then you have less time for your friends. » She quotes the journalist Lydia Denworth who, in her book Friendshipdescribes the thirties as the decade where our friendships die.
Just in her thirties, Karine Côté-Andreetti notices that there is a barrier to talking about her feeling of loneliness “for fear of appearing loser “. Although she approaches the subject mainly through her feminine lens, she believes that, despite their differences, both men and women feel the need to create connections.
This loneliness, maintained by the crumbling of friendship bonds in adulthood, is a “tragedy”, an “unnatural disaster” which must be treated seriously, she believes.
We are not made not to be connected together, not to maintain deep and meaningful friendships. It is so important in terms of physical, mental and spiritual health, but also in terms of democracy, living together, and society.
Karine Côté-Andreetti
In his eyes, friendship is not only intimate and romantic, it is also political. Not only have several scientific studies demonstrated that maintaining social relationships is associated with better mental, physical and cognitive health and greater longevity, but being socially isolated can also lead to feelings of uselessness and social erasure as well. than a loss of confidence in democratic institutions.
On this subject, Karine Côté-Andreetti cites a study carried out in 2016 by the USA Center for the Study of Elections and Democracy which asked 3,000 people who they would turn to if they needed help. Those who answered that they could only count on themselves were the vast majority supporters of Donald Trump.
The privilege of friendship
If friendship is political, it is also because it is associated with privilege. “We don’t necessarily have the tools, the resources to create and maintain these friendships. By resources, I’m talking about time, energy, privileges that allow us to access these friendships […] There are people who experience food insecurity, neurodivergent people for whom it is more difficult to come into contact with others. There are disabilities, mental health issues and a host of other things that sometimes get in the way of creating friendships. »
If it is recognized that children living in different environments will not have the same equal opportunities in life and that policies compensate for these disadvantages, why could the right to healthy friendships not be the responsibility of the state? asks the author based on an interview she conducted with Andrée-Anne Cormier, now associate professor of ethics at the National School of Public Administration (ENAP).
Of course, the State cannot provide us with friends, but for the teacher, it can put in place resources and tools to facilitate friendship, by repositioning interpersonal relationships around the educational mission, mainly.
Karine Côté-Andreetti gives the example of “social ordinances” introduced by former British Prime Minister Theresa May. “The doctor assesses the person as part of a family and a community. He will scan his loneliness and also prescribe things to counter it. »
Review our priorities
Forming friendships is so natural during childhood and adolescence, why is it that as an adult we sometimes need a prescription to feed it? “We take it for granted that in adulthood, emotional transfer occurs within the couple,” says Karine Côté-Andreetti. Thus, we put friendship on the back burner when, according to her, we should put it back at the heart of our priorities, renegotiate its codes too, to allow ourselves the right to live, with friends, major projects, like those experienced by couples. Dare to leave the house, say yes to opportunities for social connections, sign up for an activity alone and see the small talk like a treasure hunt likely to reveal potential friends.
Gestures that she dares more today. “I put the finishing touches to this book when I left the metropolis to settle in the Eastern Townships,” she says. I experienced great transitional solitude. If I hadn’t worked on this book before, I think I would still feel very alone. It seems that having written gave me the courage and confidence to reach out to others more easily, to open up and dare directly to a friendly coffee. »
Home ports: let’s dare to revolutionize our friendships!
Quebec America
304 pages