Helping a child who is not well

“I felt like my heart was ripped out. The heart and the belly at the same time. »

When her only daughter called her from the bathroom at her secondary school, unable to get out of the cubicle as she was so anxious, asking her mother to pick her up, Caroline Scott could not help but feel distress too. Distress, but also a lot of helplessness.

“I felt like I was watching my child being tortured,” she said.

It was when she entered high school, in 2020-2021, that her daughter started to feel really bad. His grades were plummeting. She no longer played sports, ate less. And she had a stomach ache all the time. “We did all the tests possible,” she said. It was anxiety.

Caroline understood that socially, at school, things weren’t going well. Her daughter was being bullied. The pandemic also deprived her of her outlets, including sport. “Depression is exponential,” emphasizes Caroline Scott.

When his child is not well, whether young teenager, older teenager or adult, the parent suffers too. At Arborescence, an organization that supports the families or loved ones of a person living with a mental health problem or psychological distress, no less than 80% of the members are parents.

“Parents are among the clients for whom this generates the most distress,” observes Valérie Fortier, clinical team leader at Arborescence. It’s in the nature of parenting, she says: when you bring a child into the world, you love it unconditionally.

Martin and Sophie are parents of a 19 year old young man who has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. At Arborescence, the couple participates in a support group for loved ones of people living with this disorder, which is characterized by a feeling of inner emptiness and chronic and deep boredom. Martin and Sophie asked to be quoted with other first names, because it is a sensitive subject and their son is not aware of their approach.

Their son was a jovial, sporty little boy who experienced great, disproportionate joys and great, disproportionate sorrows. In elementary school, he was diagnosed with ADHD and learning disabilities. Because he was anxious, he consulted a psychologist when he was 12 or 13 years old.

In high school, the panic attacks started. Her suffering resulted in self-harm and a desire to die. He did long therapies to learn how to manage his emotions, to learn how to manage himself.

One day, a speaker asked a question to Martin and Sophie. Do you think you are responsible for your child’s happiness? Martin, the pragmatist of the couple, does not carry this burden. “I’m responsible for providing an environment where my child can thrive and be happy, but I can’t take their suffering on my back,” he says.

Sophie wore it for a long time, but she is now learning to get rid of it. The Montrealer has long been haunted by unanswered questions. Why does her child feel an emptiness inside? Why doesn’t he find meaning in his life? Why is his self-esteem low when she has said and done so many things to make him feel good?

“There are so many factors to consider that make young people unwell,” recalls Karine Gauthier, clinical psychologist and co-founding president of the Coalition of Quebec Public Network Psychologists.

Affect and empowerment

Psychologist at the Douglas Mental Health University Institute, Rick Noble often saw parents screaming and getting angry because their child was not well. “It’s not because they’re bad parents, it’s just that they themselves are so distressed…” he says. When a young person notices that his parent is in distress because of him, it puts a lot of pressure on him.

The first thing to do, for a parent, is to take care of his own affect, as Caroline Scott does by consulting a psychologist, and as Martin and Sophie do by seeking the support of Arborescence. Because a parent in distress will necessarily be a less effective helper.

And by preventing your children from experiencing failures, you inevitably prevent them from experiencing successes, underlines Valérie Fortier, clinical team leader at Arborescence.

Sophie and Martin realize it today: the suffering of their son, they felt it and did not really know how to manage it. “We did a lot of things in his place, we wanted to save him pain,” observes Sophie, who has understood many things about her son, but also about herself in her meetings with Arborescence. The couple also learned to set their limits, in benevolence.

Communication and validation

When his child is in distress, the parent does not have the power to eliminate his suffering, but there are certain things on which he can act. First, it can create an environment that allows the child to feel comfortable confiding, stresses psychologist Rick Noble. You can simply ask your child how he’s been doing lately. The discussion, he says, must be continuous. This is what Caroline Scott does with her 16-year-old daughter, who is going through a depression.

According to psychologist Karine Gauthier, we must keep communication open, but beware of insisting with specific questions. Otherwise, she says, the young person risks closing in.

Then, you have to validate the emotions of your child. This is the key.

“If, for example, the teenager or the young adult tells his parent that he is afraid of failing his exams, the reflex of the majority of parents – completely normal – is to explain to their child why he shouldn’t be anxious, underlines Valérie Fortier, of Arborescence. We will try to eliminate anxiety by logical examples. Against our will, we will invalidate the person’s emotion. As a result, the young person might think there’s no point in talking to their parent or even feel even more anxious about having to justify themselves, she says. “Maybe we could just go into, ‘I understand you might be feeling anxious. What can I do to help you?” »

This simple question – what can I do for you? – shows the child that we believe in their skills, but also that we are there to listen to them, says Rick Noble.

Valérie Fortier insists on the notion of hope. She sees people overcome their pain, recover. “You have to have confidence in the recovery of the other”, concludes Mr.^me Fortier, who advises parents to reserve moments of pleasure with their child.

seek help

Nearly three years after the start of the pandemic, psychological assistance services remain in high demand. Where to start to accompany your child to find help?

President of the Coalition of Psychologists of Quebec Public Networks, Karine Gauthier says it bluntly: resources are limited in the public network. Very limited.

Mother of a teenager going through depression, Caroline Scott knows something about it: she has been waiting for a psychologist for her daughter for a year. She therefore decided to turn to the private sector, with the costs that entails.

To explore public resources, you can ask your family doctor for a referral, call Info-Social 811 or ask the question at the school, CEGEP or university the young person attends. In these schools, psychologists – few in number – often generally offer between three and five meetings.

“Resources are limited, but I tell parents to ask for them anyway, because they exist,” says Karine Gauthier. Some schools offer peer listening groups and coping resources. “Before even starting school, you can look at what is available,” stresses psychologist Rick Noble.

And if his teenager does not want to consult? Karine Gauthier advises parents to explain to her why they consider this important, to tell them about athletes who see a psychologist, and to present it as a trial, with no long-term obligation.

If you fear for the safety and integrity of a loved one, you must then request police intervention or go to the emergency room.