You have become quite the phenomenon during the pandemic, with a very first Instagram post on March 28, 2020, which quickly went viral. Basically, you wrote, “Our kids are going to remember those times at home a lot more than the virus. […] Arm them with resilience, not panic. Here’s how. “You are on all the stands since. How do you explain this success?
We have always been presented with two models of education. As if there were only two options: to be stiff and repressive, or soft and lax. My approach clashes because finally, here is a proposal that allows both to establish a solid parental authority, while forging deep bonds with our children. Finally an approach that respects both parent and child. And we tell the parents: we hear you, we know you, you need help and we are there for you. And I think the parents are relieved. Finally !
At the heart of your vision: the child, as fundamentally good. How does this translate into everyday life, and why is it so new?
The punitive approach confuses the child and his behavior, the child and his feelings, the child and his motivations. What is new is that we propose to both set solid limits, while validating the feelings of the child. And it’s reassuring for parents: they can assert their authority and respect their child for who he is. Namely: a good child who sometimes has a bad time. And not just a bad kid.
Concretely, this means: no punishments, no rewards. You don’t send your child to think in his room either. So what do we do ? Child-kings?
No way. These punishments and rewards miss the point: children need tools for life and security to acquire those tools. Children need to feel secure in the relationship with their parent, but that does not mean that they can have everything they want, on the contrary. They need consistent and firm parents (“no, I won’t let you hit your little brother”). But they also need parents who see the good in them (“but it’s hard, huh, having a little brother?”).
In your book, you advise creating a “capital of connections”, suggesting consolidating ties, and to do this, you insist on the importance of moments without screens… to the parents!
Children need attachment. They seek the moments of connection. It doesn’t mean that they can have them all the time, but by putting your cell phone aside, from time to time, you tell them: “You have my full attention, I’m present, you’re worth it and this contributes to their sense of security. And that is so important!
At the end of the day, the goal is not to make our children happy, you say, but resilient. It’s a bold proposition. What do you mean ?
The more we try to make our children happy when they are young, the more we lead them straight down the path of anxiety as adults. For what ? Anxiety is the inability to bear distress. But this is learned. But by continually striving to keep them happy, we deprive children of valuable tools. Our children can’t learn to tolerate different emotions if we don’t tolerate them in them ourselves. So instead of always trying to keep them happy, it’s better to show them that their moments of distress don’t scare us. That is the secret of resilience.
Finally, what are the three most important things to remember?
The perfect parent doesn’t exist (but the good parent apologizes when they make a mistake). Raising children is the hardest and most important thing in the world, so if you’re looking for help, it’s a sign that you take your job seriously (not that you’re doing something wrong). Finally, connection is the most important tool. When your children are over 14, this will be your only tool. If you want your kids to cooperate, talk to you, have a relationship with you, you have to bond and connect. This does not mean to tolerate everything. But that means seeing the good in his background, realizing that your child may be having a bad time, but that he is not a bad child for all that.
* The author’s comments have been summarized for the sake of clarity and conciseness.
caring parents
DD Becky Kennedy
Editions de l’Homme
360 pages
Who is the DD Becky?
Becky Kennedy is a clinical psychologist and mother of three. She lives in new york.
Dubbed “The Millennial Parenting Whisperer” by the magazine Timewith more than 1.5 million followers on Instagram, she is considered the voice of reason for the new generation of parents.
His book Good Inside has just been published in French, by Éditions de l’homme: Attentive parents – A guide to prioritizing empathy towards the child… and towards oneself.