Going back with your ex, a good idea?

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck have fallen in love again. After igniting social media last summer when they exchanged a kiss, the couple got engaged for the second time in early April. Is it a good idea to get back together with your ex years after ending a relationship? Specialists answer us.

Olivia Levy
The Press

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez met in 2002 on the set of Gigli. The couple, who quickly became iconic, are nicknamed Bennifer. The lovers were supposed to get married in 2003, but separate in 2004… then meet again in the summer of 2021. The years have passed. Ben Affleck has three children, Jennifer Lopez has two, and they are a blended family together. Beyond the Hollywood side of the couple, is it a good idea to get back together with your ex… 17 years later?

“It depends on a lot of things,” says psychologist François St Père, who specializes in couple therapy. “It all depends on how the separation went, because sometimes it can be hurtful, even traumatic, and for a long time. It also depends on how the partners have evolved on their own. Over time, we can become more compatible on certain subjects that were conflicting such as the education of children, questions of money and division of tasks. »

For the coach marriage Valérie Sentenne, you have to ask yourself if you are going to live a new relationship with the same person or if you are going to find the same problems. “Am I aware of the reasons that led to the breakup? Have I learned over the years? Have I worked on myself to experience something new? »

A new version of a relationship can also correspond to another stage of his life. “We have aged, our children have grown up or may have left the nest, our careers take less time, we have fewer responsibilities. There is a rediscovered freedom”, indicates the coach marital.

The situation that François St Père most often encounters are couples with children who have separated, who have lived in blended families, and who have faced many difficulties… perhaps more than they had conceived. “Some people tell themselves that in the end, their ex wasn’t perfect, but life was simpler! A few years later, they find a romantic feeling for each other. »

The psychologist also evokes the fascinating world of singles and dating applications which can be very hard. “After a separation, we become single, we meet (or not), we are in the seduction market, we expose ourselves to rejection, and often it hurts. Over the years, we become more understanding, less rigid in relation to certain things. Time allows us to forget the tensions and makes us realize how important our ex is in our life, ”he observes.

But why come back with his ex after so many years? “You have to assess the reasons. Does he really represent what I want as a life partner? Do we have a good bond? Or is it the fear of being alone? asks Valérie Sentenne.

She feels there’s a difference between getting back together with her ex a few months after the relationship ended or five, ten or seventeen years later, as is the case with 52-year-old Jennifer Lopez, and Ben Affleck, who is 49 years old. “We find the emotions linked to the memories we have with this person, which also means finding a part of ourselves, because it takes us back to when we were 25 or 30 years old”, underlines the coach marital.

A love for life

The fascination for the couple formed by Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck is explained: many people believe that there would be a love for life, a love stronger than anything, a bit like that of fairy tales. “They loved each other, separated, had children with other spouses, lived and experienced all kinds of things, analyzes François St Père. And they came back together, because they found no one comparable to their love! True and great love that transcends everything. That’s why it fascinates us so much! »

Valérie Sentenne shares this opinion. “There is this utopia that there is THE right person for us! And when we see Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck, we let ourselves be carried away by this idea of ​​an all-powerful love. There is confirmation that a soul mate exists… It’s a fantasy, hence the fascination. »

But back to earth. The couple requires constant work. “If it were simple, there wouldn’t be such a high separation rate!” It’s not easy to be happy as a couple, it takes effort, ”recalls Valérie Sentenne. In a society where couples do not last, this couple who are reforming 17 years later gives hope. “There is something reassuring. The fact of being able to count on a person who is dear to us and who loves us so much, it’s beautiful… It still has to last…”, concludes François St Père.