At 15, Marie Delaere was seriously harassed in school. Today a psychologist, she decided to open a practice in Mouscron near Tourcoing to receive both harassed young people and young harassers. Maintenance.
It was 10 years ago, but the memory is still vivid. At 15, Marie Delaere experienced violent cyberbullying and bullying at school. “It all started with a photo, posted on social media. I had a dress found on the internet, and I was asking for opinions. This post took off, and in the space of an evening, everything degenerated. People insulted me. I received messages: “You’ll see, we’ll find you and settle your account. I absolutely did not believe it. I had never been threatened at the school before.” she says.
Since it’s the end of the school year, she goes to college the next day, “still with a lump in my stomach“, to return her school books. She is relieved to see no one, but is in fact awaited firmly, where she left her bike. A small group of girls surrounds her.I took violent blows, which I did not see coming. At the end, I was in a panic attack, on the ground, in tears. There is one who looked me in the eye and said: ‘you just have to die, no one will miss you’. A friend of my brother passed by and recognized me, he put an end to the aggression. As I had been seen, I had to put words to it right away. Otherwise, I think it’s something I couldn’t have told.“
Marie Delaere left her town of Mouscron after her studies, and stayed away from it for 7 years. But she recently returned as a psychologist. On March 1, she will open her office, specializing in issues of school bullying and cyberbullying.
On the occasion of the mobilization of France Télévisions against this cyberbullying under the hashtag #AimeSansHaine and the call number 3018, Marie Delaere analyzes the dynamics of these disturbing behaviors.
What do you think drives a young person to bully another?
Marie Delaere : It is something rather delicate to investigate, we have very few statistics on the subject. We note all the same that what pushes young people to bully is a feeling of difference, compared to someone who has another culture, who dresses strangely, who is the nerd of the class… What motivates bullies are also a whole dynamic: the playground is a micro-society. In this small society, there are young people who have more power, harassment is an asymmetrical power relationship: we keep it by sitting on others, by denigrating them.
It is difficult to identify a typical profile, but harassers, like all perpetrators of violence, are not happy people. They are often young people in difficulty at the social, school or family level. They are also young people who are very concerned about the image they project to others, their reputation, including online, and who need approval. Sometimes it is also a way of calling for help, of attracting attention. In some rather striking cases, harassed young people who are not accompanied change roles and become harassers.
What is the impact on the victims?
We see this slogan, now, on the internet: harassment kills. This is very significant for the victims, who may have difficulty developing social relationships in adulthood and become isolated. We often also see school dropouts or phobias. These young people are even more in pain, and they find it difficult to denounce.
They are silent for multiple reasons. Because they don’t have a trustworthy person around them to talk about it, because they’re afraid of hurting their parents, afraid of being considered a “snitch” by others, or because they want to go it alone. They can’t always put the words to it. But one thing is certain: you absolutely need an adult to take matters into your own hands.
Why choose to receive not only the victims, but also the aggressors in your office?
I have always had this sensitivity in listening, this non-judgmental, human attitude. But my experience impacted the rest of my life. If I hadn’t been bullied, maybe I wouldn’t be a psychologist. It’s a great symbol for me, to be able to reach out to these young people and I don’t make any distinction between harassed and harassers. I consider them the same way: as young people in pain.
What would you advise a teacher who identifies a young person in pain?
If the teachers are aware of the theme, that’s already great. Many establishments consider that the problems of harassment do not concern them because with online harassment, the border is blurred, even if it starts in the playground. If a teacher perceives that a young person is in distress, opening the dialogue is already a victory. Freeing up speech is important, it can also go through exercises in place, the establishment of regulated speech spaces. You have to talk about it, and know how to listen.
There is more and more content available on the theme, more and more things put in place, and I am hopeful. I believe that the challenge now is to make this content accessible. Institutions, teachers, need a toolbox ready to use. It is important to train them, and that they are supported by management. It is a work that must be done in a network.