Financial infidelity | My love, I spent our money

Are you one of those who allow themselves to hide, from time to time, a small expense (or a big one) from their partner? These financial infidelities, once uncovered, can be harmless, but sometimes also lead to separation. State of play.

“Honey, I’m giving us a vacation!” I booked early and got 50% off the price of hotel rooms! »

If in fact you paid the full price, but prefer to hide it from your romantic partner because he would not agree, you have just committed a little secretiveness which is similar to financial infidelity. Some of these lies are without serious consequences, other betrayals around finances can nevertheless be destructive for a couple.

Why are financial matters so sensitive for some couples?

It is not the money, but what it represents that is in question, nuances the psychologist François St Père, author of the book Infidelity – A Surmountable Trauma.

“The symbolic representation of money affects values ​​such as transparency, trust, the feeling of protection, of benevolence. It’s more that, in general, that generates strong emotions. When those values, through money and money-related behaviors, are challenged. »

Financial stash misconduct is not all created equal. Passing off a new expense as an old one or pretending to have bought something on sale when it was bought at regular price were found to be less serious transgressions in a study conducted by Missouri Southern University, in 2021. A doctored truth would therefore go a little better in the couple than something that is completely hidden.

After analyzing the confessions of 203 participants, the researchers conclude that the most serious faults are:

• Hiding a bankruptcy
• Losing money gambling without saying so
• Lying to cover debts
• Have a secret account
• Tapping into the savings account without telling
• Spending on pornographic material in secret
• Hide credit card accounts
• Get a raise or bonus and hide it

One of these actions would be serious enough to cause a separation, the researchers conclude: secret bankruptcy.

Initially, the group of researchers wanted to measure the impact of certain financial infidelities, from the point of view of the person who suffered them. They also admit in their work that credible literature on the subject is rare. This lack of data is explained by the fact that infidelities are (of course) often hidden and that few people want to talk about them publicly when they are no longer so.

Surveys are interested in this subject, but the answers vary greatly depending on whether the question is very specific or not.

If we ask people if they have ever hidden an expense from their partner, the rate of positive answers will be much higher than if we are particularly interested, for example, in rarer secret investments.

Let’s be reassured: small lies do not necessarily lead to big ones, says psychologist François St Père.

Sometimes we lie to respect a social convention, other times to avoid generating negative emotions in others.

Shock

for their study Financial infidelity in the relationshipthe American researchers recruited participants who were all in a long-term relationship and lived with their partner.

An interesting conclusion: spouses in a relationship for longer are more likely to have very negative reactions to these budget infidelities than if the relationship is more recent.

This conclusion is not surprising, believes François St Père.

“The more you invest in yourself, the more you expect not only the relationship to be satisfying, but also your partner to be loyal and faithful,” he says. When you invest yourself, the propensity to have pain is much greater if there is a separation than if you have been in a relationship for four, five or six months. »

This explains why spouses who are happy in their romantic relationship are more likely to consider leaving their partner if they discover financial infidelity, according to the same study.

“It’s like the rest of the relationship,” says François St Père. It’s more normal for there to be behaviors that are more or less optimal, including financial infidelity, when things aren’t going so well. »

When the couple is going well, the shock is therefore greater when a spouse discovers an aspect of the relationship that he did not suspect. “A bit like people who find out their partner has been unfaithful when they were very satisfied in the relationship. It’s much more disturbing than if the relationship has been running out of steam for years, “analyzes the psychologist, whose most recent book, In love and happy despite our differencesis interested precisely in the conciliation within the couple.

Does someone who lies about their finances fully appreciate the impact this can have on their partner who finds out?

“No”, slice François St Père, convinced.

“If people took the time and care to stop and assess the potential consequences to their partner of such lies, probably there would be a lot less acts of financial infidelity. »

Especially, explains the psychologist, that financial infidelity can also include small gestures deemed inconsequential, such as lying about the price of a purchase.

However, you have to be careful: discovering a little lie can cast doubt on the whole relationship and on the integrity of the person with whom you share your life.

“This is where it clashes with the fundamental values ​​of transparency, the impression of protection, loyalty, says François St Père. It also depends on the amount. Someone who makes $800,000 a year and loaned his friend $500, maybe that’s a grain of sand on the beach. »

And if, precisely, a spouse decides to deliberately hide such a small amount, isn’t that even more suspicious?

“People’s argument is: it wasn’t significant, so I didn’t think to tell you about it…”

Finally, married people are more likely to have lied to their spouse about their finances than those who are in a common-law relationship, study finds Financial infidelity in the relationship. The American researchers believe that this may simply be because they have more joint accounts and manage household expenses more often than common-law spouses, who each have their own more confidential accounts and expenses.

There are essentially three ways to manage finances as a couple, specifies François St Père: the pooling of all resources, the pro rata sharing of income and the sharing in equal parts. In any case, it is better to define the sharing model at the beginning of the relationship.

Possible solutions

Communication is key

“People underestimate the benefits of discussing money with their partner. They believe these will be difficult discussions and prefer to avoid them,” says Hristina Nikolova, professor of marketing at the Carroll School of Management at Boston College, co-signer of the study. Love, Lies and Money: Financial Infidelity in Romantic Relationships.

Hristina Nikolova and her colleagues became interested in this subject because polls confirm that it is a widespread phenomenon, but few researchers have dug into the question.

According to her, if you are caught in a relationship where there is cheating around the budget, you need to talk about it.

“It’s an opportunity for those who do couples therapy,” she says. We have to bring up this subject, financial infidelity, since it has an effect on the well-being of the couple in general. »

A trick: talk about finances from a common point of view. “Let’s talk about common goals rather than individual behaviors,” says Hristina Nikolova.

Red flags

Published in 2019, the survey Love, Lies and Money: Financial Infidelity in Romantic Relationships wanted to better understand the reasons and predispositions that lead to budget cheating between spouses.

In order to determine the “seriousness” of the gestures, the researchers created a scale of financial infidelity which wants to measure the probabilities that one commits this type of lies, when one is in a relationship.

It is accepted, for example, that the poor quality of a relationship will encourage people to lie more. Likewise, people who lack self-confidence are more likely to hide things from their partner. Finally, the chances of hiding a purchase (or behavior) are higher when you know that your partner will disapprove of it.

Learn from one’s mistakes

People feel that they are more transparent in their current relationship than in the previous one.

“We wanted to show, with this study, that financial infidelity is not static,” says Hristina Nikolova, who specializes in decision-making within the couple.

A person may behave in one relationship and act completely differently in another. “Behaviour is very much influenced by the relationship,” says the researcher, who believes this shows that we learn from our past relationships and try to do better, over time.