Denounce or not? | The Press

They just have to file a complaint, it is often said about victims of sexual violence.

Too bad for them, otherwise.

As if it were that simple.

Denounce or not?

Michelle* is haunted by this question every time denunciations break out.

“With each wave, I hurt, because a part of me would like the truth to come out”, she writes in a poignant letter where she explains why it is as difficult for her to denounce her attacker as not to denounce him. .

Last week, it was the Philippe Bond affair that rekindled the trauma of past assaults in her home.

His attacker is part of the cultural milieu. His name never came out during the waves of denunciations.

She was only 18 when it all started, she tells me. He was ten years older than her. They were a couple. This was before the #aggressionnondénouncee movements in 2014 and #me too in 2017.

“While I was with him, I consulted a shrink who said to me: ‘You are a victim of domestic violence. »

She left him and tried to put it all behind her. A few years later, she was overtaken by symptoms of post-traumatic shock.

“With the waves of denunciations, I noticed that I was entering a zone of almost generalized panic. I was not well. I could no longer work. »

People in the area would ask him, “Why don’t you say his name? »

I quote his letter again: “Sometimes I have the impression that all the weight of the world rests on my shoulders to say his name. Yet many people are aware of his problematic behaviors. Some of his friends have witnessed his inappropriate remarks, some of his associates may have been victims of his excesses and, although I do not wish it, perhaps some fans too. »

Maybe she’s the only victim? “I often think about that. On the one hand, I hope to be the only one, because I don’t wish on anyone to have gone through what I went through. And on the other hand, I would like to have someone who hugs me and tells me that their nightmares have the same face as mine. »

During the wave of whistleblowers in the summer of 2020, Michelle consulted a lawyer. She lived very badly with her traumatic memories. She tried in vain to normalize them. Maybe she had just been in a “shitty relationship”?

She told everything to the lawyer who confirmed to her that her testimony unfortunately evoked something much more serious. This was consistent with possible charges of forcible confinement, assault, mischief and sexual assault.

The lawyer gave him a warning. “She said to me, ‘If you don’t need a trial to be at peace with this, don’t. Because it’s going to be really, really difficult.” “Let’s go back on her decision if she felt the need.

Two years later, inner peace is unfortunately still awaited. But when she sees stories of absolutions offered to abusers, Michelle says to herself that she does not want to live that¹. Nor do you want to embark on a long painful process, to face humiliating cross-examinations, to risk swallowing a verdict of not guilty. “I would walk out of there humiliated, once again, by him. »

Sue in civil court? She can’t afford it and doesn’t want to risk getting into debt. She also fears the gaze of those who will see her as a “profiteer”, even if no sum has the power to erase the past.

Denounce in social networks, then? No more. She risks facing a lawsuit for defamation and attracting the hatred of many people.

Reporting anonymously? It’s not better. He will know it is her. And she is still afraid of him.

“I still have nightmares years after the fact. I sometimes hallucinate it while walking in the streets of Montreal and my heart panics. Just the thought of seeing his name pop up on my cell screen makes me shudder. “To be at peace with what he made her live, she would paradoxically like the public to know. Let his entourage know. That his colleagues do not close their eyes when it suits them. Don’t ignore the elephant in the room.

She sometimes dreams that he himself does his mea culpa, without waiting for his name to come out in social networks. Let him recognize all that he broke in her.

I quote his letter again:

“While I question my talent and everything I create, he lives off his art.

“While I’m having panic attacks, he goes on stage.

“While I rush to trust men, he is in a stable relationship, it seems. »

She would like everyone to know. But it is not that simple. “If I denounce it, I will create a small storm and I am afraid that the calm that I have cultivated with pain and misery, in my head and in my heart, for years, will become chaos. My sanity is still struggling, years after we met. Everything is fragile inside me, to denounce would only break me more. »

She would like everyone to know. But that would mean getting naked in front of strangers. Exposing his pain, his shame and his helplessness.

She does not give up the idea of ​​filing a complaint. The progress of #metoo with the deployment of specialized courts for sexual and domestic violence gives it a small glimmer of hope.

Maybe someday…

But for her, that day has not come.

“I can’t report my attacker, because if I do, we’ll fall apart together. »

Until it was otherwise, she wanted to share her story. In the hope that the dilemma of the voiceless victims is better understood. And the necessary introspection of their faceless executioners.

* The name is fictitious, the story is not.