We didn’t warn you how tough it would be, an extreme cardio stroller. Normal. We hold on to our myths. We stick to this fantasy of a devoted, loving, sacrificial mother, a Madonna of Dollarama who entered religion for whom abortion is a fragile and taboo achievement.
Your heart will be as big as the dome of the oratory 24/7; the patriarchy and the Church have always promoted this magnified version of self-denial. Being a mother is innate, you were born to do this job, voluntarily and with enthusiasm. They told Radio X.
We want you that way because it’s always been that way. It’s like giving birth, we didn’t fan the wick too much. Anyway, all the mothers in the world have been there. You might as well respond to instinct. You’re not going to be a sissy.
Antepartum depression, postpartum depression, those are depressing statistics. I made the ante, as a warning. Breastfeeding too, you’ll find out (and hello pressure!), whether it’s ok or not, 45 to 90 minutes every two to three hours. And the whole “village” will make you guili-guili and then go back quickly to their important little business. When my B was born, a friend warned me: we don’t care about other people’s children. It was honest.
When my young friends in their thirties turn to me for reassuring words about motherhood, they (and they) expect me to save them the retweeted cliches: “It’s life-changing, but it will be your greatest achievement, the most beautiful accomplishment that, there is nothing that, an un-con-di-tion-nal love, you will find your jeans skinny and you can do everything like a man: career, couple, love, tonic gym, gin and tonic, perfect children and karaoke nights. »
Oh yes ! And another for the road: “Your guy will stay by your side against all odds. »
Who am I to inject toad slime into a fairy tale? To emphasize that it’s in your interest not to be too demanding? On nothing, in fact.
Shared custody, an ideal
Worry will gnaw at your guts, your joys will be unspectacular, the word “survival” may come into your life. No longer will a night be the same, nor will a morning.
If you expect a Hail Mary in state at the end of the show, drop motherhood, buy yourself a hockey stick instead. You may fry your placenta and express your milk by hand, but you will quickly understand that no one cares that you are fulfilling your beautiful “project”. Maternity is anything but a project. It’s an anti-glamor state akin to a rollercoaster.
“I didn’t have afun“, has already confided to me a mother who did not like the merry-go-round of her motherhood. The issue of fun is very overrated. Curb your expectations. I read this sentence recently: you could not be happier than the most unhappy of your children. It’s all there, I assure you.
Seventy percent of mothers would be dissatisfied with their romantic relationship after their first child. If you still have a relationship, of course… You could end up alone.
It wasn’t easy, but I did it, because I’m an animal. Who speaks of victory? Overcoming is everything.
In the best case, there is always joint custody. More and more, this formula is gaining ground in an uninhibited way. I have friends who envied me on the back burner. Today, you can squarely make it a goal: make a success of your separation and put yourself in absentee subscribers every other week.
In his book Help ! I have children! (just the title should scare you), journalist Olivia Lévy mentions it several times. Shared custody is now seen as the perfect balance, ideal for busy people who want a taste of part-time parenthood.
As I advise my young friends: choose the person with whom you will have children in shared custody. “You will always remain a family,” a pediatrician told us. An asset: knowing how to manage an Excel calendar shared between five families, two provinces and two countries to plan summer holidays.
We started in January.
self-sacrifice
In a telephone interview, I made a list with Olivia Lévy – mother of a Romain and an Inès, pre-teens – on the questions we should ask ourselves before: “Why do you want children? Are you ready to turn your whole life upside down, to tear yourself apart on the work-family balance? Do you know it’s going to be expensive? Do you know the word “surrender”? »
The word “sacrifice” comes from sacred, we can read in Olivia’s book. The sacred gives meaning to this unique bond and the time you will devote to it by murdering your FOMO (fear of missing out) interior. Psychologist Gene Ricaud-François, author of Sacrifice, what’s the point?, underlines to Olivia that we live in a time when we think we can achieve everything without sacrificing anything. It’s wrong, wrong and wrong. Hence the inevitable frustrations. And let’s not even talk about mental (or physical) load. Mothers have gained 1.4 minutes per year for 30 years, if we forget the famous mental load. They spend an hour more per day than their spouse on household chores, roughly the equivalent of 10 weeks of full-time work per year. Ten !
And I keep wondering why nobody told me. Why ? If the routine kills the couple, the arrival of the children pulverizes it.
According to experts, women have adapted more quickly to labor market conditions than men to new domestic realities. “The pandemic will at least have revealed the hidden face of domesticity in Zoom with children in the background, notes Olivia. For entrepreneurship to change, it has to be talked about. »
Overparenting awaits you if you opt for competition or mimicry. A single mother tells Olivia: “I can see it around me: we shine, we accomplish, and we project a perfect family image. It’s a question of pride, of ego. Appearance and performance all the time is what matters. […] I dare not say that my daughter is only registered for one activity. »
You have been warned. And don’t think I’ve become a-mother. I’m just an ordinary mother who learned to love against the tide.
Instagram: josee.blanchette