Catherine Gauthier will be 40 years old in a few months. She has no children. She won’t have any. It’s not completely his choice. It is the circumstances of life which impose this decision on him; a decision she is now at peace with.
“I always told myself that my age limit was 37,” says the author, met on a terrace in Vieux-Rosemont. Seeing this deadline approaching, still single, I started chatting with other friends without children, reading on the subject. I didn’t recognize myself in the surrounding discourse. The few women who speak out about nulliparity – the fact of never having given birth – claim non-maternity. It was not representative of what I observed around me, women for whom motherhood simply did not happen, without it being a choice. I wanted to explore this gray area. »
In I don’t think I’ll have anyan autofiction presented in the form of a graphic novel, Catherine Gauthier relates the many questions, doubts, mourning and affirmations that have marked her journey.
To illustrate her different states, the artist called on a model, found on Instagram, whom she took care to photograph from all angles. “My relationship with myself is too complex for me to have thought about reproducing myself 8,000 times,” she says, laughing. The illustrator, who works from photo references, had written her scenario and carried out the entire cutting of her book before immortalizing her model.
“As I draw with lead pencil, it required hours and hours of work. » The images in gray-black hues, of striking emotional and technical precision, reflect all the subtleties and delicacy of the subject.
Five women, five experiences
This illustrated introspection is interspersed with five testimonies from nulliparous women who recount their own journey and the reasons which led to this state of affairs.
“My story is rather banal. I didn’t meet the right person in time, but I didn’t experience any major drama that prevented me from getting pregnant. It was important for me to show different perspectives, to exemplify how non-motherhood is more complex than we think, and all the forms of grief it can involve. »
The graphic novel therefore reports on failed attempts at assisted procreation, misaligned stars, lack of energy, overloaded schedules and illnesses which put a damper on the dreams or expectations of women at the dawn of maternity, and recounts the stubborn regrets, the affirmed resignations or the reliefs which inhabit them.
The prejudices surrounding those who are not mothers still need to be deconstructed
A big contract
Catherine Gauthier points out the obvious through the different journeys that she stages. However, these discussions are rarely held in a society where the cult of birth is still very present, and where childless women stand out and are often the target of unsolicited interrogations. “People don’t realize that their questions can stir up storms,” she writes.
“The prejudices surrounding those who are not mothers still need to be deconstructed. They are not necessarily retarded teenagers or careerists. Many are hiding tragedies. They are not selfish either, on the contrary. It takes courage to admit that you wouldn’t be able to do something. »
Catherine Gauthier, for her part, understood during professional burnout that motherhood would be too demanding for her. “I know I would push myself to the limit. It’s impossible to be a perfect mother, but I know I would try. I would torture myself, I would experience disappointments every day, and I would end up sinking. »
The cartoonist notes in passing that motherhood is often an automatism, which occurs without us asking the right questions, or without having a nuanced and realistic vision of the contract that awaits us. “It takes a certain amount of naivety and enthusiasm to have a child, otherwise no one would have one. But it’s a big responsibility, and we owe it to the baby who didn’t ask for anything not to go in blind. It’s difficult, because on social media motherhood is always presented in a positive way. It’s not just unconditional love and beautiful photos. »
Throughout her journey, and the reactions she arouses along the way, Catherine Gauthier has sought to define herself in the eyes of others, even wondering if it was possible to be a woman without being a mother. “Of all the questions I ask, this is the only one I really have the answer to, and it’s yes. It allowed me to reflect on the fact that in our society, happiness is associated with the nuclear family. This model is far from perfect, and does not represent reality. The fairy tale does not exist. »