Life is a series of seasons that we wait for, that we hope will come or disappear. It becomes an eternal repetition of “when will I have, do, be able to…”, as if glory, power and praise were all that mattered… And I realize that putting life off or hoping that it would be different is the reality for many people. But I have decided that I can no longer live like this, because the denial of reality leads me directly to suffering.
No one likes to suffer, but everyone is afflicted by conditions, dramas, fears, resentments, doubts, misunderstandings, traumas. It is how we deal with them that determines the quality of our present moment. I constantly tell myself that I have no choice but to accept reality as it is, even if it is terrifying, even unacceptable.
I tell this because about three seasons ago, I saw my mother begin to decline cognitively. Her reality and mine changed, but I didn’t want to see what was hanging over my nose. In turn, she is afflicted by old age. As much as she wants to avoid it in all ways, time takes its toll. It is inevitable, death awaits us. And being afraid of it is what makes us completely dependent on miracle solutions to feel good. Quickly. Here. Now. We have to do something to change our reality. And time slips through our fingers. Always. Forgetting the moment that was important.
Getting older is part of the game of life. Whether we like it or not. And when reality hits, sometimes we’re not ready to take it in the face. Alzheimer’s. The disease that hits hard. Just as insidiously as alcoholism. From the outside, your loved one doesn’t seem sick. But the truth is, their brain is getting worse, day by day, week by week, and eventually they’re becoming a version of themselves that we no longer recognize.
It’s like death before its time. Even worse because my mother is alive, aware that she is leaving the world as she knew it.
And that nothing will ever be the same again. She knows she will become a burden to the family. It is unconsciousness that wants to warn conscience. It is indescribable. Forgetting a word is no longer trivial. Asking the same thing four times is not either. Not understanding why you have to wear good shoes to avoid falling and hurting yourself is no longer a topic of discussion. We are going to buy shoes, to protect her.
Alzheimer’s is said to be the most common form of dementia. There is no such thing as a beautiful disease, but this one is disconcerting, as much as alcoholism, which I know very well. I wonder if they are not, ultimately, intimately linked, these two cursed things. It seems that excessive alcohol consumption triples the risk of dementia. Alcohol, alcohol, it is not a reason to go crazy! Well yes, it is. No one is safe from brain damage. I myself, aged 39, have serious memory problems, a condition of my brain that is declining at an accelerating rate. I know it, I observe it, I live it. I am afraid. I see my mother as I see myself and all those who have abused or who abuse this psychoactive substance without thinking about tomorrow. Later. The impacts. The consequences. I am afraid for all of us. Except I’m not afraid to say it anymore.
Far be it from me to be alarmist, but rather realistic. When we stop drinking, the harmful effects are still felt. Dangerously.
Because we must remember that alcohol is a very popular anesthetic that temporarily “patches” the evil that afflicts us, that transforms reality into an illusion of pleasure and happiness. For as long as it takes.
And when the medicine stops working, we start again. Drinking or suffering. And forgetting that we are suffering.
Lately, I’ve had moments of great shock and questioning thinking: “What will it be like if my mother’s brain declines rapidly and the next season doesn’t even have time to arrive before her brain becomes defective forever? How am I going to accept it, manage it, live with it?”
Honestly, it hurts me enough to know that my mother is not eternal. I have never experienced a great mourning, apart from that of the bottle. I try to see the bright side of things. I can prepare myself. I can love her so much that the illness fades from our souls. The joy in my heart is to have my mother under my roof. As long as I can, I will keep her with us. Living well with my mother, here, now, so as not to regret our life: that is the most important thing.
And never, no matter the season, my heart will be able to forget it. And for me, that’s what eternity is.
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Who is Eliane Gagnon?
- Born in Montreal in 1985, Éliane Gagnon is an actress.
- We saw her on television in Ramdamsince 2004, then in shows like Living memories Or Feminine/feminine.
- In cinema, she has played roles in particular in Louis Cyr And Jo for Jonathan. In 2019, she published the biographical novel Escape Notebooksin which she discusses her addiction issues and her journey towards sobriety.