Your child frantically unwrapped his presents, the wrapping paper flying through the air. The new toys now pile up in a corner of the living room. Although you are grateful for the generosity of relatives, is it a nice Christmas memory or the demonstration of a spoiled child?
Mother of 4-year-old twins and a 1-year-old baby, Geneviève Guay has already experienced this scene of disorganized outbursts, where children become overexcited, even “crazy”, in front of the mountain of presents to be opened.
“It was the twins’ party, says this Mauricie resident, and they were unpacking at lightning speed, without being interested in the toy and without thanking the person who gave them the gift. I couldn’t believe it! Was it my fault? Did I raise monsters? »
Once the episode passed, Mme Guay wondered if she could go back. Can we “spoil” our children?
“Everything works, it’s never too late!” “says psychoeducator Stéphanie Deslauriers, mother of a 4-year-old girl.
According to her, a little introspection is necessary before opening the discussion.
We are the role model for our children. What is our relationship to material and consumption? You have to be able to have a frank and honest look at yourself.
Stéphanie Deslauriers, psychoeducator
Psychologist Nathalie Parent also believes that our own attitude will guide children a lot: if parents are balanced when they make purchases, if they are grateful, there is a good chance that children will will also be.
“As parents, if we never say ‘thank you’, if we don’t recognize what others do for us, the children are likely to remember that,” she says.
What clues?
But first, how do we know if our child is spoiled? If he goes from one good to another without much interest, if he does not thank people, if he takes for granted what he receives, in short, if he is not aware of his privileges , it’s a sign, say the two experts.
Mme Parent also invites us to observe our emotions in the face of the actions of our children.
When one is irritated by his behavior, that one has the impression for example of doing everything, of being at the service of all the members of the family, it is time to talk about it and distribute the tasks.
Nathalie Parent, psychologist
Ian Costa, a Montreal father of two teenage girls, doesn’t like the word “spoiled” because he believes it describes a permanent state, as if it were an immutable fact. “I don’t see it as a character trait, but as a behavior,” says this educator.
At home, everyone has their responsibilities and tasks to do. And he always resisted giving money to reward services rendered to the house. “It makes no sense to me. We all live in the house, everyone has to get their hands dirty. »
Develop empathy
In this same state of mind, he goes with his family to a donation center every year during the holiday season. “We are able to see that we are lucky and that some families have unmet needs”, illustrates Mr. Costa.
With small gestures like this, parents can help their children develop values like solidarity, empathy, compassion, openness – which helps put things in perspective.
But beware, warns Stéphanie Deslauriers, it is normal for children to ask for games and toys. “It’s appealing to them. The idea is not to ban, but perhaps to teach them to tolerate a delay, she suggests. If we wait until tomorrow or the day after tomorrow, will he talk about it again? »
Stick to your budget
Establishing a budget, sticking to it and setting limits is also a good way to not spoil your child too much – and to show him the value of money.
From the age of 7 or 8, a child has the maturity to talk about consumption, purchases, money and overabundance, believes Nathalie Parent. “Instead of lecturing, I like to ask questions and see with the child how we can solve the problem,” she says. How does he see this? What can we change, together? »
Psychoeducator Stéphanie Deslauriers likes to offer alternatives to material goods offered as gifts: outings, activities, special meals, coupons to access surprises or privileges, for example.
“It’s a way to create memories and to highlight the fact that the most important thing, basically, is the time spent together,” she concludes.